Fabulous news, party people! Your favorite friend science has figured out how to create hangover-free wine. Are you excited yet? You should be excited. Though you cannot line up just yet to purchase this must-have item, it is theoretically within scientists' grasp — and thus will presumably be within our collective drunken grasp at some point. Hopefully soon.
So how does this work? Well, basically, wine and other fermented products are made using a specific type of yeast, one whose genes are very difficult to alter in any significant way. But now, researchers at the University of Illinois have engineered a type of yeast that can be altered, opening up all sorts of possibilities for new ways to make wine. Using this new yeast, they could make genetic alterations that effect the wine's taste or nutritional content. And they could also reduce the number of toxic byproducts that contribute to hangovers.
I think I speak for all of us when I say this: Woohoo!
Unfortunately, hangovers are caused by other factors beyond just toxins, so they wouldn't be able to fully guarantee a hangover-free morning after... but still. This might be the best gift science has ever given us. Especially since they haven't come up with a suitably effective hangover cure that I'm aware of.
Of course, now that they've cracked the mystery of how to end our "Morning After Bookclub" headaches, it would be great if they could also get on solving a few other types of hangovers as well. Because I am not always getting drunk on anything so classy at three dollar wine, OK guys? There are other hangovers that need attention, too. Such as...
1. The "Vodka Told Me It Was My Friend But It Lied" Hangover
Why does the vodka hurt me? Why won't science make it stop?
2. The "Tequila Made Me Dance On the Table" Hangover
Science, get on it!
3. The "I Fought the Gin and the Gin Won" Hangover
No! No more gin! Not until science saves us!
4. The "Beer Has Less Alcohol So I Don't Need To Count" Hangover
You still need to count. Science will back me up on this one. And then hopefully fix your hangover.
5. The "Rum Made Me Think It Was Really Funny To Talk Like a Pirate All Night" Hangover
Because you drank it all. It's science.
6. The "Scnapps Aren't Real Alcohol" Hangover
Schnapps are still real alcohol. And you will still wind up begging science to cure your hangover.
7. The "Absinthe. Just Absinthe." Hangover
There is a reason this stuff was banned for a century. Not even science may be strong enough to take on absinthe.