When you think about the phrase "eat a bag of dicks," one has to wonder why a bag, and not a box or a can? One also has to wonder about the logistics of packaging such a bag, how big a bag you would need (Yes, guys, it would have to be a huge bag, of course. Huge.), how to wrap it...you know, all the practical concerns. And not to get too literal, but what kind of flavor are we talking about here? But fear not, my friends, because a company called Dicks By Mail has taken all the worry out of the logistics of wishing a bag of dicks upon your enemies, and will even ship it for you anonymously, whether it's going to that ex-boyfriend who wrecked your car, or that rude woman from the apartment down the hall whose dog will not shut UP even though you asked nicely. Now, you can actually order and send someone a bag of dicks, instead of just screaming it at them. We are all about to living our best lives, finally.
So, OK, they're not actual male appendages. That would probably lead to some criminal charges, you weirdos. They're basically gummy bears, only shaped like little tiny penises. According to one recipient of a gift delivery of said gummy dicks, they apparently are not only cute but taste good too. Who would have guessed?!
Now, don't even think about abusing this privilege, friends: The people at Dicks By Mail have some pretty stiff guidelines about how to use their product. They don't want you to bully anyone by sending them a bag of their product, rather, they want to "put a smile on people's faces" with a well-meaning prank. "If you are sending this with the intent to ruin someone's day, then maybe it's you who needs to eat a bag of dicks," their website states. Maybe it's you, indeed. On that note, let's take a moment to clarify that it's totally fine to order your own bag of dicks, for your own consumption. We're not here to slut-shame.
They do have some recommendations about where to send your package. (I'm sorry, I can't help myself; the jokes just write themselves.) Sending the gift to your recipient's workplace is much more likely to cause extreme embarrassment, their website notes, which, if we're being honest is really the only reason to send such a gift. And, no, you can't customize the message, everyone gets the same printed note with the same words.
It's an amazing thing to think that someone dislikes you enough to spend $15.99 to send you a 5-lb. bag of candy penises. It's really not that many dicks for the price, but we all know that size doesn't matter.