My roommate has decided to take her virgin skin to an artist and get inked up at the ripe old age of 29. As getting a tattoo (or seven) becomes more and more socially acceptable, many "virgins" are getting in the chair without having a clear idea of how their life is about to change. Having gone under the needle quite a few times, I couldn't help but caution her on the terror she was about to endure just from having a tattoo. It may seem like fun and games to those who haven't made the calculated decision to get permanently inked up, but there are horrible, unspeakable things that happen when you get a tattoo.
I know what you may be thinking, if having tattoos are so bad then why do people keep getting more? BECAUSE WE'RE ADDICTS NOW. We can't help ourselves! This life isn't for everyone, being a slave to the beauty and pain of tattoos, always wanting more and rarely wanting less, is something you must consider before you get in the chair.
The ghastly consequences of your tattoo happen pretty much immediately; right when the needle hits your skin you've formed a bond with an artist. You are no longer a person without a tattoo, you have joined the 1 in 5 American adults that have a tattoo and you now have to pay a steep penalty for your calculated, lovely piece of artwork — a penalty you will pay for the rest of your life. Think of it as your own personal prison.
So for those of you who are even THINKING about going down this one-way road, just know that there is no turning back. Trust me, I live this life now, forever. If you think you can possibly live with these seven annoying, horrible things that you will be faced with on a daily basis, fine. Just don't say I didn't warn you...
1. You'll Have To Talk To New People At Parties
Yes, I thought I'd start with the absolute WORST part of having tattoos. Sometimes, strangers come up to me at parties and THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY TATTOO! It's probably one of the most disgusting things that having tattoos have brought into my life. Why would I want to meet new people??? Obviously, I came to this party to stand alone in the corner and try to beat level 380 of candy crush! GAWD!
2. You'll Have To Deal With The Sound Of Annoying Alerts On Your Phone When You Get More Instagram Likes
Holy crap, can I just like...get some space? I'm just trying to purchase some beeswax at the store and it's alert after alert after alert. I UNDERSTAND that 56 people have already liked my new tattoo photo and I UNDERSTAND that I've gained five new followers because I cleverly used the popular #tattoo hashtag. If I wanted everyone to tell me they liked my new tattoo I WOULD HAVE INVITED YOU ALL TO GET MY TATTOO WITH ME. It's just embarrassing.
3. People May Think You're A Badass
Real talk: I can't even hang a poster up on my walls without thumb tacks ricocheting off my glasses, making me go into a sobbing fest about how I can't do ANYTHING right. Now that I have tattoos, people assume I can lift cars with one hand or laugh in the face of danger. I want everyone to know that I am a feeble woman incapable of doing anything for herself, but now that I have tattoos? Ugh, no way.
4. You'll Never Run Late Because You Were Spending An Extra 30 Minutes Picking Out Accessories For Your Outfit Ever Again
You can basically just light all those accessories you thought you needed on fire because your tattoo is a permanent accessory that goes with all your outfits. I guess you'll have to sell those arm bangles now that you've inked up your forearm because you won't need them. And all that extra spending money is going to weigh down your wallet like crazy. Ughhhhhhh.
5. Your Confidence Level Will Be Too Much For Anyone To Match
According to Harris Interactive, 30 percent of people who get tattoos feel more confident afterward. Now, I don't know a single person that needs to feel confident or sexy permanently. Personally, I prefer to shrink up in a pool of insecurity with a beverage of my own tears. Of course, now that I have tattoos, every time I get dressed I think, Damn, that gazelle skull is rull rull sexy, or Look how my Viking compass makes my arms look toned. I asked for a work of art, not the key to happiness.
6. People Will Constantly Be Harassing You With Compliments
While we're on the subject of feeling confident, nothing makes me more sure of how awesome I'm looking than compliments. Which is exactly why most of us avoid them at all costs! Do you know that sometimes people actually come up to me and say "Hey, sweet Black Flag tattoo" or "I love your bow" and every time I get a compliment, a part of me dies a little...the self-doubting part of me that gets in the way of having a good time. Would you even wish that on your worst enemy?
7. You'll Have To Start Having More Adventures, Because You Already Did Something Daring
Ugh, can you believe that you survived the pain of a tattoo? Think of how many other thrills you thought you couldn't possibly do that now don't seem so daunting. Suddenly, you're no longer a conformist. Backpacking through Europe like you've always wanted to is starting to sound more and more appealing. Life was so much better when you didn't take any chances, but guess what? You can't turn back now.
Image: Kristin Collins Jackson, Giphy