The Biggest Katie Holmes Mystery Just Got Solved

What a time to be alive! Forget the bad weather, the terrible news, the fact that Ted Cruz just might become our next president — this March is all about celebrating, because it's Illuminati Month on Black Bag! For those not familiar, Black Bag is a section of Gawker devoted to cults, hoaxes and the like, and for the past few weeks, it's been unraveling the greatest conspiracies of our time. So far, they've covered everything from the secrets behind the Denver airport to the truth about Beyonce's pregnancy, and now, they've taken on the biggest mystery of them all: if Katie Holmes had a secret entrance to the Chelsea Whole Foods.

First, some background: in 2012, a recently-divorced Holmes and her daughter, Suri, moved to New York and bought an apartment in Chelsea. Their building, the Mercantile, was located down the street from a Whole Foods, and many times in those months, Holmes and Suri were spotted shopping at the market. All normal, right? Wrong. While paparazzi caught the duo roaming the aisles and leaving the store, no photos of them actually entering the store ever emerged. As Gawker discovered, the only official entrance to the store was on street level, meaning that somewhere, there must have been a secret, private entrance that Holmes used instead.

Yet when a reporter asked a Whole Foods employee about this, they denied that such an entrance existed. So, naturally, Gawker decided to investigate further, and after some intense research that involved secret stairwells and 15-year-old blueprints, found out a startling truth: there was a secret entrance to Whole Foods, accessed through a neighboring, associated store called Whole Body. Whether or not Holmes used this entrance is unknown, but it's certainly possible. And if so, Gawker might've just solved one of the greatest celebrity mysteries of all time. Or, at the very least, given New Yorkers a way to sneak into the produce section undetected.

Learning the answer to this particular mystery, though, as satisfying as it is, just leads me to ask: what other Katie Holmes theories have yet to be unraveled? Sure, there's plenty we don't know about her marriage to Tom Cruise and Scientology, but I'm not talking about that stuff — I'm talking about what's really, secret-entrance-to-supermarkets-level interesting. For instance:

Who's Running Her Social Media?

There are two types of celebrity Twitter accounts: the funny and natural, like Anna Kendrick's, or the promo-filled and boring, like Pharrell's. Then there's Katie Holmes' account. The actress' Twitter and Instagram feeds are unlike those of any other star, a hilariously strange mix of badly-cropped selfies, questionable punctuation, and pictures of her feet. Seriously — there are so many pictures of her feet. Is Katie Holmes herself responsible for this? Does she have an assistant who takes said photos and adds them to her account? Who dictates the exact number of exclamation points used per post? So many questions.

What Was Going On In This Photo?

In September 2013, Holmes attended mayonnaise company Hellmann's 100th birthday celebration, and posed with this cake. It just doesn't make sense.

And In This One?

No one gets that close to Muppets unless there's a reason.

How Did That Karaoke Group Really Come Together?

I'm sorry, but I don't buy that Katie Holmes, Ellen DeGeneres, Pharrell, Lenny Kravitz, Jamie Foxx, and former Secretary of State Colin Powell just happened to be in the same room together and decided to team up for some karaoke. Something fishy went on here.

What Happened With Suri's Christmas List?

In November, Holmes told Ellen DeGeneres that Suri had a very long, detailed Christmas list, and that if she didn't get all items, "that’s years and years of hearing about it — and then probably therapy.” Sounds pretty intense for an 8-year-old; no wonder Holmes said she was starting to panic. Here's where it gets mysterious, though: when describing the list, Holmes said that one of Suri's items was a puppy. Three months later, there's no dog in sight; is it just super well hidden, or did Holmes not get Suri one of the biggest items on her list? If so, what happened? Are the duo still on speaking terms? Is one of them in therapy? Has Suri chained Katie to the house, refusing to let her go until a puppy magically appears? I'm concerned.

Why Can't She Read The Newspaper Like A Normal Person?

Someone please inform her that there are better ways to read the Times, because this can't be safe.

Why Isn't She Friends With Taylor Swift?

Back in 2013, it seemed like a Holmes-Swift friendship was inevitable; both stars had roles in The Giver. They followed each other on Twitter, and Holmes posted a photo of them together. Holmes has a young daughter, and Swift loves nothing more than hanging out with her friends' young children (and documenting said hang-outs). Yet once the movie came out, all signs of their bond vanished: no tweets, no photos, no mentions of each other in interviews. This could just be because of their age difference and opposite lifestyles, but I don't buy it; something happened here, and one day, Swift's going to write a song with thinly veiled references to Holmes' marriage to Tom Cruise and it will be wonderful.

Images: Getty Images