Royal christenings have been a longstanding tradition in the British royal family, so it is not surprising that before it's even happened, Prince George's christening, scheduled for Wednesday, is being mercilessly discussed in the press. Who will the godparents be? Who will be invited? Is the fact that Princess Anne wasn't invited the sign of a family feud? Is the fact that Cressida Bonas got an invite a sign that things are serious between her and Prince Harry? What type of food will they serve? Will George be circumcised? The conversation goes on endlessly, but no one is asking the important question: What if Prince William and Kate Middleton were Jewish?
Well, if this were a Jewish get-together, let me tell you, things would be very different. Sure, there is a logical leap necessary to imagine a Prince George enjoying a royal bris, but don't be a schmuck: It'd be one hell of a party, everyone looking down at that adorable shayna punim, no weird baby cross-dressing needed. Plus, there would be a mohel and enough bagels and schmear to go around. What could be better than that? So let's imagine Prince George as more of a Prince Moishe, and let the fun unfold from there. Someone pour the Manischewitz and kick this circumcision part-ay off right, kineahora. Here's how things would be different for Prince George's royal bris:
All Would Be Included
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would never, ever get by without inviting great aunts and uncles. If you don't invite them, you know you're getting bubkes from them in terms of baby gifts. Plus, those alter cockers will force you to have them over to see the baby anyway, so really, in this bris scenario, they'd have the whole family coming just to get it over with. No one likes to be excluded when there's a free meal offered, even if they are related to royalty. They don't want to see the yentas at the synagogue gossiping about family drama, do they?
No Christening Gowns
No son of Judaism would be circumcised wearing a white dress. Queen Bubbe and Prince Zeyde would probably putz if they had to see their beloved grandson in a dress on his special day, and you know, they're getting old, so you mustn't risk anything.
But a Lot Of Gossip
What's worse, the talk of the day wouldn't be poor little George. Don't be mistaken. The older generation would be scandalized, talking amongst themselves in a panic because Prince Harry brought home a shiksa girlfriend. They'd gather together near the cream cheese spreads, whispering to one another, "Cressida? You know that's not a jewish name. And oy, have you seen her? So skinny! We can't have two goyishe wives in the family. What a mishegoss that would be!" It would only be a few glasses of Manischewitz before some auntie took Harry aside, whispering promises about the really lovely daughter her friend Ethel has. She's a nice Jewish girl, just graduated from Brandeis, who he just has to meet. Tragic.
And a Lot of Fun... and Manischewitz
But, overall, a nice time would be had by all. Ruggalach would be eaten, Manischewitz quaffed, decisions on who is hosting Passover this year could be resolved as a group, and what's more, little Georgey would finally join the faith. Mazel Tov!
