Angelina's $50 Mil. Memoir Better Be Good

If the rumors are true, I know what I'm getting you for Christmas next year. British tabloid The Daily Star is reporting that Angelina Jolie's $50 million book deal is in the works. That's right, fifty. The website claims that multiple publishers are vying for the rights to her autobiography because they think it'll be a goldmine. And right they may be — the last book to really capture the nation's attention was the authorized biography of Steve Jobs. It became the top-selling book in the U.S. after its first week on the market — 379,000 copies were sold.

If close to 400,000 people shelled out $35 for a heavy biography about one of the biggest tech moguls of our time, imagine how many people will line up to buy a book by one of the biggest celebrities of our time. Fifty million doesn't sound so crazy, after all.

But hey, we're a savvy people. We know a lot about Angelina Jolie already, so if she's going to get us to buy her memoir, it better be good. Damn good. The real-story-behind-the-Jennifer-Aniston-husband-stealing good. If it's just going to be 350 words on her humanitarian aid, thanks but no thanks. I think we all want it to be a little more, uh, personal than that.

Because Angelina is a fascinating woman. From her vial of blood wearing days with Billy Bob Thornton to her feud with father Jon Voight to her relationship with Brad Pitt to those kids of hers to that damn leg at the Oscars to her double mastectomy. She knows how to get your attention and the best part is, she does so without making you think it's on purpose.

So yeah, we're going to need a chapter on the Mr. and Mrs. Smith drama. Jennifer Aniston called the whole thing "uncool," and we wanna know what Angelina has to say. And as far as giving birth in Namibia, we could use a chapter on that, as well as how she deals with the rumors surrounding her children. Ooh! And what does she think of Brad's tea-partying mom. And if she had to fuck, marry, or kill Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, or Sandra Bullock, who would get which honor? And personally, I'd love to know her thoughts on kale, Obamacare, the media, doughnuts, lipstick, the Kardashians, feminist roles in Hollywood, what it's like to be stupid rich, Suri Cruise, Brad's hair long vs. Brad's buzz cut, aaaaaand her thoughts on cats versus dogs. It's a polarizing issue, after all.

What I think we all need most from her memoir, though, is that middle section of glossy pages printed with pictures. That's the best part of any autobiography, so she better not let us down in that regard. If I don't see one selfie of her with Brad... I swear to god...

Should go without saying but so far, there's been zero confirmation that an Angelina Jolie memoir is actually happening, but rest assured, if it does come to fruition, I'll be the loser in the Tomb Raider costume waiting outside a Barnes and Noble at 4 a.m. Sober.