Entertainment

In Honor of the People Magazine Awards, We Bring You the Awards Show Awards!

Last week, when NBC announced that it was bringing back the American Comedy Awards, I know what you were thinking: There still aren't enough awards shows. Think about it: We only have the Academy Awards, Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, People's Choice, Teen Choice, Kid's Choice, Critic's Choice, CMA Awards, Grammys, Tonys, and just a few more.

If there aren't enough awards shows, how will we ever figure out which celebrities are better than the others? And how would Ryan Seacrest fill his free time between hosting reality shows? Luckily, someone over at People noticed this enormous void in the world and is doing their part by starting their own awards show. The magazine will work with NBC and Dick Clark Productions on a two-hour special, expected to air in 2014, that honors the most influential celebrities and pop culture.

To celebrate this newest addition to the awards show family, we've come up with awards that some of the biggest awards shows deserve for themselves. Celebrities get enough recognition; it's time to honor those who spend all of their time honoring others. Because, before awards season, we must make way for awards season for awards season!

Longest Annual Runtime Goes To...

Our first award was a tough category, with almost every single awards show in history having gone over its time limit at some point. Ultimately, the awards award goes to the Academy Awards, for a few reasons. While all shows have the potential to go over their allotted time, only the Oscars deliver by at least 20 minutes every single year. And no other awards ceremony tries so hard to not go over, with the music that plays over speeches becoming more and more obnoxious each year. Congratulations Oscars, now give your acceptance speech — oh, but you only get seven seconds. Sorry.

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Most Likely to Give the New 'Twilight' All of the Awards (Even If There Is No New 'Twilight') Goes To...

Most of us don't exactly think of any of the Twilight movies as "award-winning," but the films have won a heap of trophies. This award goes to the awards show that is responsible for a solid majority of those trophies — the Teen Choice Awards. For a little while, it seemed like the Robert Pattinson-shaped prize would go to the MTV Movie Awards (pictured), which have honored the Twilight series 18 times, but, ultimately, the TCAs proved to be the real Twihards, with a whopping 31 awards handed out between the five films.

Congratulations TCAs: I'm sure the cast really enjoys all of those surfboards. Also, can someone give those voting teens the Harry Potter series please?

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Best Use of Slime Goes To...

Nickelodeon's awards show, the Kid's Choice Awards, may have some odd host choices (why exactly did Rose O'Donnell host for most of my youth?), but it is the only awards show to cover celebrity guests in green slime every year. With all of the fancy red carpet talk that surrounds other awards ceremonies, it's always refreshing to watch them get really gross once a year.

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Worst Judgement of Outstanding Comedy Actors and Actresses Goes To...

SOMEONE GIVE AMY POEHLER A FREAKING EMMY, Umm, we mean, this prestigious prize goes to the Emmys, which — no, screw it. Poehler needs an Emmy, and Jon Cryer needs all of his retroactively nulled. Get your shit together in the comedy categories, Emmys, or we'll never give you this prize again so you know how it feels.

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Most Likely to Have a "Best Post-Baby Body" Category Goes To...

I don't want to pick on the new kid, but this one goes to People. It's the magazine that celebrities turn to when they want to share their weight-loss secrets, and so many cover stories have featured new moms in bikinis (or new moms with babies), it's hard to imagine that there wouldn't be a whole category dedicated to these stars. And it's hard to imagine we won't grumble over it. Maybe they'll follow it up with a "Cutest Celeb Baby" award?

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Most Self-Indulgent Awards Show Goes To...

There was no competition for this one: The Screen Actors Guild Award is the clear winner. It's the only awards show where celebrities get to give each other prizes, rather than letting the rest of the dumb old world be in charge. After all, who better to give an esteemed actor a prize than his own former co-stars? And without the SAG awards, how would young actors know when they have earned the respect of their elders?

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Awards with the Most Questionable Decisions Goes To...

Some of you might not even be aware of this, but Spike TV has its own awards show called Guy's Choice. The categories are diverse, ranging from Our New Girlfriend to Funniest M.F. to the simple Guy Movie of the Year. Sometimes, award recipients are logical — Ben Affleck won 2013's Man of the Year, and Lincoln won over Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as, you guessed it, Best Lincoln.

But other times, the nominees and winners are just... bizarre. Jeff Bridges' book The Dude and the Zen Master as Outstanding Literary Achievement? Vince Vaughn as the Guycon for 2013? Whatever guys vote for the Guy Awards seem to be stuck somewhere around 2005.

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Saddest Grammy Imitations Go To...

This award was such a close call that we had to make it a three-way tie — the American Music Awards, the Billboard Awards, and yes, even the MTV Video Music Awards, all have to share this prize. The AMAs and Billboard Awards try pretty hard to be the Grammys, giving out very similar nominations and squeezing as many performances as they possibly can into each broadcast. Take the most recent ceremony of each awards show: Taylor Swift, fun., Gotye, Adele, Carly Rae Jepsen, Katy Perry, and many other artists can be found on nomination lists for both the AMAs and the Grammys, and each show had at least 15 performances.

The VMAs, on the other hand, don't seem to be trying to be the Grammys, but accidentally end up becoming the Grammys' trashy cousin. Though it shares some nominations with the Grammys, the MTV VMAs boasts fewer performances. Of course, it makes up for lack of performers by introducing controversial moments — remember a certain headline-grabber that showed up at 2013's ceremony?

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