The Worst Diet Swaps for Delicious Food

Dieters are always looking for ways to eat their favorite foods without packing on pounds, and that often results in some disgusting concoctions. Diet programs encourage their participants to find low-fat, low-sugar, and low-taste ways to eat as much food as humanly possible while still losing weight.

As a result, these dieters come up with some highly inadequate and pretty unappetizing “healthy” substitutes for their favorite foods. Often consumed alongside diet soda, Lean Cuisine meals, and raw veggies, these three “diet-friendly swaps” for tasty food are making people that are trying to lose weight completely miserable.

1. “If you’re craving a creamy treat, swap that ice cream for one scoop of plain low-fat Greek yogurt drizzled with honey!”

Are you kidding me? Greek yogurt is tasty, but it in no way resembles creamy and delicious ice cream. If you’ve got a sweet tooth, something tells me that a cup of Fage, with or without fat, isn’t going to do the trick. Greek yogurt may be able to satiate a craving for Greek yogurt, but studies are inconclusive. It’s also worth pointing out that fat-free yogurt is absolutely disgusting (according to me), and that production of this “creamy treat” results in highly acidic waste that is toxic to animals and aquatic life. Not only are you depriving yourself of something great, you’re also killing little fishes and crabs. Jerk.

2. “For a low-carb dinner side, swap cauliflower for the potatoes in your mash!”

Dieting message boards offer a wealth of terrible advice, and I think mashed cauliflower is one of their most abominable creations. Often a concoction of steamed cauliflower, light butter, and skim milk, this dish is supposed to be a healthy way to make “faux mashed potatoes.” Unfortunately, cauliflower is only similar to potato in that it is white, which means that your “creamy, indulgent side” is really a big watery pile of “meh.” These dieters are also guilty of trying to pass off minced cauliflower as fried rice, which should be punishable by a lengthy prison term.

3. “These zero-calorie miracle noodles are the perfect way to beat your pasta craving!”

If you ever try Shirataki noodles and are also a human being with taste buds, you'll find them completely disgusting. Advertised as a “guilt-free” way to avoid the dreaded carbohydrates, many dieters are tricked into trying this slippery snack. An entire bag of Shirataki noodles is practically calorie-free, which leads many dieters to substitute them for the real thing. Unfortunately, I find that these noodles taste more like long worms than linguine, and have a squeaky, rubber texture that's really off-putting.

Because of Atkins and other popular low-carb diets, many of us have a really skewed relationship with this starchy, and still necessary, macronutrient. Carbohydrates are the body’s main source of energy, which is why a low-carb diet can make you feel drained, tired, and sluggish. You’ll also miss out on the nutrients in the actual version of the food you’re craving.

Ultimately, these “healthy” substitutes for already-perfectly-fine pasta, potatoes, and ice cream are so unsatisfying that you’ll be craving the real thing in no time. Instead of eating a bad-tasting substitute and feeling sad, just go ahead and have a damn scoop of ice cream. You’re most likely going to eat the Ben & Jerry’s anyway, and you’ll save yourself the heartache.