Amy Dunne, the ice-blonde lead of Gone Girl, is fictional (we hope, we hope, we hope). But when even a real life FBI agent starts calling her “one of the most disturbing female villains in movie history," you know we've got a serious creeper on our hands.
If it's been a minute since you read or watched Gone Girl, here's a crash course in Amy's deviousness (SPOILER ALERT): she keeps a fake diary of a happy marriage, she fakes her own death to frame her husband, she kills her obsessive ex-boyfriend, and she manages to trap her husband in the marriage forever and ever and ever, even though he knows she's a killer. Both she and her husband are major liars — author Gillian Flynn describes marriage in general as a "long con" — but Amy in particular is notable for her willingness to do absolutely anything to further her deception, including but not limited to siphoning out massive amounts of her own blood, stealing urine, and, uh, killing dudes.
But what if Amy Dunne escaped the confines of her own novel and crept into other books? Would she change the plots for better or for worse? Would anyone escape alive?! (Let's ignore the fact that if Amy Dunne suddenly appeared in canonized literature, it would mean SHE HAD SUPERNATURAL POWERS, and we'd all be doomed.)
If Amy Dunne replaced Daisy Buchanan in The Great Gatsby
If Amy slipped into Daisy's flapper dresses and feathered headbands, you can bet that none of the men in this novel would be getting a particularly happy ending. Tom would have been disposed of long ago for cheating on her, Nick would be locked up on false accusations of rape, and Gatsby? Poor, poor Gatsby. After waiting years for Amy's affection, he'd be blown away when she showed up at one of his extravagant parties and beckoned him into one of his mansion's many rooms. But he'd never come out again.
If Amy Dunne replaced Hary Potter in the Harry Potter Books
If, as the aforementioned FBI agent believes, Amy suffered from Munchausen syndrome — hurting yourself and others because you feel like you don't get enough attention — she'd thrive in Harry's role. Attention everywhere! So much attention! People literally shouting her name! She'd blossom at school in her new-found role as The Chosen One, and would probably kill Voldemort in book one, because she's good at that sort of thing.
If Amy Dunne replaced Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice
She'd banter with Darcy just like Elizabeth did — she's great at telling men exactly what they want to hear — and might even sleep with him on the first date. After blissfully dating for a while, Darcy would pop the question and they'd move to the countryside. But fast-forward a few years later to their now-loveless marriage when Amy finds out that Darcy is sleeping with one those Bennet girls, and the plot of Gone Girl would unfold as usual, just set in 19th century England.
If Amy Dunne replaced Lady Macbeth in Macbeth
She wouldn't have that silly out-damned-spot breakdown over being covered in the king's blood, that's for sure.
If Amy Dunne replaced Edward Cullen in Twilight
She would straight-up murder Jacob the second he showed any interest in Bella. You think Edward Cullen was obsessive? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN OBSESSIVE.
If Amy Dunne replaced the twins in The Shining
She's too clever to go for such an obvious horror-movie trope — two terrifying little girls with wide, staring eyes — so Amy would probably just appear to little Danny as a kind, maternal figure with pockets full of treats. She'd slowly win over his affection, maybe even turning him against his real mother, and by the end of the book, Amy would be running that entire hotel with Danny as her brainwashed little serf.
If Amy Dunne replaced Pa in Little House on the Prairie
Like Pa, she'd teach Mary and Laura a lot of valuable lessons about hard work, but instead of teaching them how to make the most of the parts of a pig and how to turn maple syrup and snow into candy, she'd teach them how to fake pregnancies, how to disguise appearances, and why it's very, very important that you don't clean up all the blood on the kitchen floor.
If Amy Dunne replaced Anastasia Steele in 50 Shades of Grey
She'd immediately see through Christian Grey's "romantic" behavior and pin him for the obsessive, controlling narcissist that he is. And she'd rise to the challenge, because if anyone knows how to play a role that men want, it's Amy Dunne. She'd probably go along with the controlling relationship for a while, as she secretly ordered incriminating pieces of evidence with his credit card, but eventually, she'd lead the police to his red room — now soaked, inexplicably, in her blood — and sit back as the manhunt began.
If Amy Dunne replaced Galadriel in Lord of the Rings
She would absolutely take the ring when it was offered to her, and by the end of the novel all of Middle Earth would be under her glamorous thumb. Sauron who?!
If Amy Dunne replaced the mad wife in the attic in Jane Eyre
She would have been faking madness the entire time, keeping a spare key to the house hidden behind a loose brick. When Mr. Rochester started falling for Jane, Amy would have faked a pregnancy and a head wound and...well, you get it.
If Amy Dunne replaced Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games
Like Katniss, she'd definitely come out the winner. Unlike Katniss, she'd win by faking vulnerability and then killing everyone else in the arena.
Photos: 20th Century Fox; Tumblr (9); Giphy (2)