TV & Movies

20 Fleabag Quotes To Make You Laugh (& Then Cry)

The show was over far too quickly, but we'll always have the memories.

by Alice Broster and El Hunt
Originally Published: 

Season two of Fleabag came to a sad end in April 2019 but the spirit of the show lives on. To fans' delight, Phoebe Waller-Bridge has been reunited with the Hot Priest (Andrew Scott) in the His Dark Materials series, although he’s left his dog collar at home and she isn't actually seen on screen... Either way, it will have got you wondering if you should rewatch Fleabag from beginning to end again. And the answer is of course, yes, always. But, if you need a little bit more persuading, we’ve collected together 20 of Fleabag's best quotes, from the cutting truth to the completely hilarious.

Very rarely do characters come along who are so raw, ridiculous, and relatable that you can’t help but adore them. Waller-Bridge did that when she created Fleabag. I have no doubt that it wasn’t Waller-Bridge’s intention to create a life guru (I mean, Fleabag is the exact opposite of an influencer) but somehow that's what we got.

Season two of Fleabag was pretty epic. The love story with the Hot Priest and Fleabag’s relationship with Claire (played by Sian Clifford) left us broken and disbelief that this was the last time we were going to see our favourite characters on screen. But we'll always have the memories, I guess. And with that in mind, here are 20 of Fleabag’s best insights.

On Parenting

Season 1, Episode 1: “Dad’s way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fu*king our Godmother, and eventually stop calling,” Fleabag explains to camera – while walking into a feminist lecture.

No Fairy Tales Here

Season 1, Episode 1: Speaking about her passive aggressive stepmother (played by Olivia Colman), Fleabag says, “To be fair, she is not an evil stepmother. She's just a c**t.”

Can't Stop Thinking About It

Season 1, Episode 2: Looking straight to camera, Fleabag tells us: “I’m not obsessed with sex. I just can’t stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.”

In Remembrance

Season 1, Episode 3: Speaking to Claire by their mother's graveside, Fleabag comforts her sister by saying, “I did a fart the other day that was exactly like mum's.”

Fun Drunk Martin

Season 1, Episode 3: Speaking straight to camera again, Fleabag’s explanation of her brother-in-law is basically every creepy man you've ever met: “The man's got a problem. But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was ‘just being fun.’”

Fashion Tips

Season 1, Episode 3: When tasked with finding Claire a surprise birthday present with awful Martin, Fleabag drops another pearl of wisdom: “Chic means boring. Don't tell the French.”

On New Business Prospects


Season 1, Episode 4: Presented without comment, Fleabag’s accidental new pitch for Dragon’s Den. “Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called?” she asks Claire in the car. “Twat nav.”

Going Soft

Season 1, Episode 6: Mid-way through hooking up with Arsehole Guy, things go awry, and Fleabag tells the viewer, “There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection. They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.”

Making Mistakes


Season 1, Episode 6: In a parable worthy of inscription on 1000 fridge magnets, Fleabag has an unexpected nugget of wisdom for the bank manager tasked with bailing out her failing cafe. “People make mistakes,” he tells her. “It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils,” she replies. It’s also a subtle call back to a piece of wisdom Fleabag remembers from her late best mate, Boo.

On Being A Grown Up

Season 2, Episode 1: In the restaurant at the start of season two Claire says that putting pine nuts in a salad doesn’t make you an adult. Fleabag’s response? “F**king does.”

Don’t Tell PETA


Season 2, Episode 1: Playing Fleabag and Claire’s evil godmother-turned-stepmother, Colman is the show’s finest villain. And when she’s not hard at work staging her next “sexhibition,” the deadpan clangers still keep on coming. Best of all is the moment she’s asked about her fluffy purse at an exceedingly awkward family dinner. “Is it fur?” Claire asks, mildly horrified. “Yes, but it's okay because it had a stroke,” she replies.

Therapy Session

Season 2, Episode 2: “Look, just please tell me how to not fu*k a priest. Before I get arrested,” Fleabag begs her therapist (played by Fiona Shaw) and we're still waiting for the answer.

The Power Of Accessories


Season 2, Episode 2: “I'm very horny and your little scarf isn't helping,” Fleabag also tells her therapist. A second excellent one-liner from their hilarious existential exchange about tennis, guinea pigs, and God.

Complicated People


Season 2, Episode 3: “Women are born with pain built in,” business mogul Belinda (played by Kristin Scott Thomas) tells Fleabag as they sit together at a hotel bar, before letting loose with an epic speech about the freeing power of the menopause and the sheer fizzing energy of a room filled with new people to flirt with. “Except, most people are sh*t,” Fleabag says. “Look at me, listen,” Belinda says intently. “People are all we’ve got. People are all we’ve got. So grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.”

Daddy Issues?


Season 2, Episode 4: It goes without saying, Fleabag’s confession booth scene is one of the show’s steamiest and most iconic moments. Not to mention the genius conspiracy theory that when the Hot Priest asks her to “kneel,” he’s actually just revealing his real name, Neil, after she calls him father. Equally brilliant though, is the first scene where the pair finally acknowledge the mess they’re in directly. “F**k you calling me father like it doesn't turn you on just to say it,” Scott’s sexy man of the cloth tells Fleabag.

A Feminist Icon

Season 2, Episode 4: “Sometimes I worry I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits,” Fleabag confesses to the Hot Priest and the rest of the congregation at a Quaker meeting.

High Stakes Haircut

Season 2, Episode 5: “Hair is everything, we wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your f**king bills. Hair is everything,” Fleabag says as Claire sits miserably on a bench sporting her new pencil chop.

Sister Act


Season 2, Episode 6: As Fleabag tells us back in the opening moments of the the second season, this is a love story, but perhaps not in the way you might initially expect. Forget about your sexy priests and arsehole guys; the main person who stays and fights Fleabag’s corner and stands by her when it really matters is her sister Claire. Despite their sometimes rocky relationship. “The only person I'd run through an airport for is you," Claire declares, in one of the show’s most emosh moments. Not crying, just my hayfever...

On The Messiness Of Love


Season 2, Episode 6: It’s quite hard to find something original to say about love, but Fleabag’s resident sexy priest nailed it when he “had a go” at summarising it in the show’s finale. “Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening,” he says. “Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there!” Blimey.

It'll Pass

Season 2, Episode 6: In the touching final scene of Fleabag, she finally tells the Hot Priest, “I love you.” To which he replies, “It’ll pass.” Queue hearts breaking across the globe.

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