What’s Up With Cancer Men?

This past August, I was on a girls trip in Cape Cod. Over a bottle of wine, the conversation turned to astrology. When a friend of a friend asked about my partner’s sign, I told her he’s a Cancer. “Oh, God,” she said. “Are you all right?”

Perplexed — and very much all right — I was shocked by her reaction. In our six years together, I’d never given his sun sign much thought. I thought Cancers were supposed to be loving, family oriented, and emotionally mature — traits someone should want in their other half.

Her reaction wasn’t just the sauvignon blanc talking. Apparently, there’s a growing belief among the astrologically inclined that Cancer is one of the most volatile signs for cis men to have, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. There are Reddit threads, TikToks, and YouTube videos that have dug into the plights of dating them, describing them as manipulative, selfish, and Satanic. The sign of the crab even got a shoutout on Love Island USA in June when contestant Kaylor said she refuses to date them. They’ve developed a reputation for being manipulative — according to some, they gaslight, play the victim, give you the silent treatment, and then guilt-trip you into feeling sorry for them.

Born between June 21 and July 22, Cancers are ruled by the moon, meaning their feelings significantly impact how they move through life. “[They] have the gift of being caring and nurturing, and having compassion for others,” says Nina Kahn, resident astrologer at Bustle, affirming my opinions of my own partner. “They have the power to create emotionally safe spaces for themselves and other people.”

But for many, experiences with the sign of the crab have been more sour than secure. “On a bad day, Cancers can be emotionally manipulative because they understand how [that] can help them get what they want,” says Lisa Stardust, astrologer and author of The Love Deck. “They play a lot of mind games.” Whether or not they do this knowingly, though, can be hard to decipher.

Cancerian Chaos

While astrology traits transcend gender, society doesn’t — at least not yet — which is why Kahn thinks Cancer men get a bad rap. “A lot of [their] qualities are often stereotyped as being feminine or maternal,” she says. In a world inundated with messages that femininity is bad and “boys don’t cry” and to “man up,” cis men may have a hard time accepting their softer side because they’ve been raised in a society that rewards toughness and masculinity — and their romantic partners may suffer because of it.

If Cancer men — and cis men in general — can recognize these more feminine traits as strengths rather than weaknesses, they can be healthier, happier people.

Brittany Beringer, an astrology writer (and former Bustle columnist), has dated two Cancer men. While she felt both were in touch with their feminine sides, they were still unable to fully embrace them. “[One] was extremely comfortable with being a nurturer, so much so that he denied his own needs,” she says. “But rather than set boundaries, he would stifle his frustrations to ‘protect’ my feelings, [and] when his needs weren’t met, he dipped.”

Similarly, Michelle, 32, says both of her male Cancer exes used their feelings to their advantage. “[They] weaponize their emotions,” she says. “I never thought that I would end up with a 6-foot-8 man screaming and crying in my lap begging me to cry with him. But that’s what happened.”

Ben, 25, a Cancer who dated another Cancer man for almost two years, agrees that there’s a heightened level of fervor when it comes to men with their star sign. While the pair had a pretty stable relationship, there were moments of chaos. “When we did have conflict or friction with each other, it [arose] from both of our emotions being at a very high point,” he says. “[They] would just feed off of each other and then spiral.”

Crab-Sign Success Stories

Of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with Cancer men. Kahn says the main issue lies within a society that punishes men for fully embodying these nurturing, caring gifts that they possess. If Cancer men — and cis men in general — can recognize these more feminine traits as strengths rather than weaknesses, they can be healthier, happier people and better partners. And it turns out, some are already well on their way to achieving that.

“My ex didn’t really believe in going to therapy, and that says more about him to me than his birthday.”

While Ben’s double-Cancer relationship resulted in a breakup, Morgan, 27, has had a different experience. She’s a Cancer herself and has been with a Cancer man for the past three years. She’s heard all of the stereotypes, but she describes their relationship as one of the healthiest she’s ever had. “He’s in therapy; he journals; he does meditation. He finds really good paths and outlets for himself in his big emotions, and I feel like that’s rubbed off on me,” she says.

Morgan’s been called too sensitive in the past. Being with her partner, though, has made her appreciate that part of herself instead of resent it. “It’s really nice for me, as somebody who’s a deep feeler, to not feel so ashamed about my big feelings,” she says. “He is the most emotionally intuitive person I’ve ever met.”

Personal circumstances and life experience will also determine how a person shows up in life. “There’s no one-size-fits-all situation when it comes to sun signs,” Kahn says. And free will also plays a part, too, according to Ben. “My ex didn’t really believe in going to therapy, and that says more about him to me than his birthday,” he says.

Of course, astrological destiny isn’t everything. My partner is nurturing and family-oriented, but I would never describe him as someone who’s capable of using his Cancerian qualities for evil (at least, not with me). Anyone can potentially be a toxic partner, but whether or not that happens depends on the choices each individual makes to carry themselves well and treat others with kindness.

But in the meantime, Morgan has a message: “Hug the Cancer in your life,” she says. “They need a little extra love.”