Ladies and Bravoholics, I come bearing bad news: I have seen the Vanderpump Rules cast's future, and I truly, desperately wish I could burn it out of my memory forever. While celebrating Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright's bachelor/ette party in Miami during the show's Feb. 4 episode, Jax, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, and Beau Clark all got professional, film-grade prosthetic makeup to disguise themselves as old men. The results were hilarious yet deeply unsettling...and also an eerily accurate look at what they'll all likely be doing in 50 years.
Jax channeled the persona of Hal, a strip club owner who lives in Fort Lauderdale and is "competitive by nature" — so basically, future Jax. Sandoval's alter-ego, Maurice, humble-brags about his hair and looks out for his friends, which also checks out, and Beau was so lost with the whole scheme that the only thing we know about his persona, Luke, is that he loves shoes.
In fact, the men were so unconvincingly still themselves that when they got to the strip club, Brittany and the rest of the women immediately recognized them. Like, they had zero hesitation in approaching them, which is honestly worrisome considering it could just as well have been a group of strange old men.
In any case, with their cover blown, the men proceeded to act exactly as you'd expect them to act when they're 80: Sandoval solicited Ariana for a lap dance; Schwartz made perverted submarine jokes and tried to seduce Katie in dingy tighty-whities; and Jax was still sipping shots at 4 a.m. while the rest of the crew drunkenly resolved their petty arguments. They haven't changed in eight seasons — why would it be any different in eight decades? The only real question is which couples will actually still be together and who will be sending who rage texts.
As for the rest of us, we'll just have to live with being forever haunted by this cursed image: