I remember the first sex toy I ever received for review. I'd just gotten back from a seemingly good OkCupid date that ended with my date telling me "be well," so I wasn't exactly feeing great about myself. Luckily, there was a consolation: The Womanizer vibrator was waiting on my doorstep. Finally, I had something that would always go home with me at the end of the night and never leave me with a feeble "be well." And it's given me more orgasms than anyone I've ever met on OkCupid.
Since then, I've reviewed dozens of sex toys. As a digital nomad, this gets complicated. My parents have learned not to ask what's in the packages that arrive on their doorstep before my visits. My boyfriend keeps most of my toys in a huge cardboard box in his apartment, and I'm forever indebted to him for explaining my Satisfyer Pro 2 to German customs officers. I myself had to email a list of toys I was receiving to a UPS guy. After he asked what they were and I blurted out "they're sex toys," he delivered them with no questions asked.
It's all been worth it, though, because the following products — and the very kind people who helped them cross oceans to reach me — have helped me discover what my body's capable of, made sex more enjoyable, and allowed me to make your sex life better. That's the purpose of these products, after all.
1
The Yarlap
The Yarlap, $299
If you like the feeling of something in your vagina — like, really like it — this kegel exerciser will give you that continuously. It delivers electric pulses that cause your vagina to contract, exercising your PC muscles. I wear mine while I'm working on the couch, causing my boyfriend to joke that I'm always masturbating. But the beauty of it is, you're not really masturbating, because you can still get other things done. Getting those things done is a lot more fun when you're wearing this, though.
2
The Rose Wand
The Rose Wand, $189.95, Chakrubs
Aside from the Yarlap, this is the only sex toy I carry with me in my backpack. That's because I just don't feel right abandoning something that feels like more than an inanimate object. I don't know how to say this without sound a little out-there, but I really feel like it transmits a spiritual energy. That's what Chakrubs, which are made of crystals, are intended to do. With rose quartz, this one is supposed to get you in touch with your emotions, and that's exactly what this did for me. The first time I took it for a spin, I was feeling emotions I did not know I had.
3
The A&E Sensual Touch Wand Massager
A&E Sensual Touch Wand Massager, $69.95, Adam and Eve
What I love about this vibrator is that the head is so soft, you can press it against you as hard as you want without worrying about any discomfort. And because it's made of a flexible material you can really press against you, the super powerful vibrations can reach every part of your vulva at once. Even on my off-days, I can always orgasm in three minutes or less with this one. It was well worth the awkward conversation with the UPS guy.
4
The Satisfyer Pro Penguin: Next Generation
Satisfyer Pro Penguin: Next Generation, $79.99, Amazon
The first generation of Satisfyer toys is already powerful enough, with a head that sucks your clit upward for climaxes in record time. The Satisfyer Pro Penguin: Next Generation takes that up a notch, with easier-to-use buttons and even more power. It's the only toy that lets me have multiple orgasms in one session. The larger, plain pink Satisfyer Pro 2 design is very similar, but the smaller penguin provides more focused vibrations. Plus, it's cuter.
5
Eva
This toy aims to close the orgasm gap during penis-in-vagina sex, and it's definitely accomplished that in my relationship. It fits on your vulva so you don't have to think about it, but it buzzes with the power of a giant rabbit vibrator, reliably getting the job done.
So, if you're going to own just five sex toys, these are the ones I'd recommend. Even better: order some Lovability Condoms and "Hallelubeyah" lube to make using them a breeze.
