Relationships
#3: Youâre avoiding your friends.
Breakups can be tough. Even if youâre glad to be out of the relationship, major life changes like dealing with the end of a relationship can be rife with emotional turmoil. And understanding when your heartbreak is becoming something more serious can help you start healing.
Heartbreak looks different on everyone because itâs a form of grief, says licensed mental health counselor Brennan C. Mallonee, LMHC. Youâre grieving the loss of not only a partner, but your dreams for a future that included that person, she explains. And thereâs a reason that grief is so agonizing: It can literally cause emotional and physical pain, says licensed counselor Erin Parisi, LMHC, CAP. âA lot of the âheartbreakâ symptoms overlap with other disorders, especially depression,â she tells Bustle. âAnd for people who have already had depressive episodes or who are predisposed to depression, a heartbreak could trigger an episode.â
âProtective factorsâ like emotional support systems, access to medical care, spiritual beliefs, and employment stability can make healing from heartbreak easier, Parisi says. But if youâre missing some of those supports, coping can be all the more difficult.
While any symptom that is particularly debilitating or long-lasting can be a reason to seek help, mental health professionals agree that there are particular indicators that your heartbreak is turning into more serious. Here are 11 signs your relationship grief is more than it seems, according to experts.
5
Youâve Lost Your Sense Of Motivation
It can be tough to get back on your feet after having your heart broken. But if youâve lost the motivation to work, keep up with regular habits, or just go through your day as usual, thatâs a signal your heartbreak is taking a serious toll, says OâReilly. If thatâs the case, seeking professional support can help you put the pieces back together and carry on with the things you care about.
6
You're Not Taking Care Of Your Needs
Taking care of yourself is always essential, but itâs especially poignant when youâre restructuring your life post-breakup. And during periods of grief, even the most boring self-care can be vital.
If you find yourself unable to go through the motions of showering, combing your hair, or going outside, thatâs a sign your heartbreak is headed to problem territory, says clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. âIf the heartbreak is so intense that after two or so weeks we donât feel like working or going to school, we have lost interest in life around us, we feel that we literally canât go on or donât want to go on with life, then seeing a professional is essential,â he tells Bustle.
7
You're Not Having Fun Anymore
Though it can be more difficult to have fun when youâre down, if you've started to notice that you feel unable to enjoy things at all anymore, it might be a sign that you need outside support to help you feel better, says Solomita.
Donât judge this feeling, though â if youâre wondering, âWhat does heartbreak feel like,â know that it can be literally painful. âWe feel emotional pain in the same part of our brain that we feel physical pain,â she tells Bustle. âIt can create a barrier to experiencing the things we used to love.â
8
Youâre Struggling To Build A New Routine
Breakups arenât only hard because youâre grieving your partner â theyâre also difficult because youâre grieving the routines you shared together, says OâReilly. Where you could once rely on your partner to cook dinner every night, you may have to fend for yourself food-wise now. Or perhaps you counted on your S.O. as your adventure buddy on the weekends, but now struggle to enjoy your days off without them in the picture.
Luckily, routines are replaceable, she says. But if youâre having trouble overcoming sadness about old routines or are struggling to devise a new one, mental health professionals can help you with that. âYou don't have to be in an absolute impasse to reach out for help,â OâReilly says. âYou can do it on day one.â
9
You're Struggling With Boundaries
Finding closure and setting boundaries after a breakup are two of the hardest things. But if your night of Instagram-creeping turns into a habit that you canât break, it might be time to check in with yourself. âIf youâre obsessing about the person, stalking them (via social media or in real life!), or structure your life around âbumpingâ into them or trying to win them back, it might be time for help,â Parisi says.
Once you do get help, you can measure your progress as you set healthier boundaries for yourself, she adds. Maybe youâre no longer checking social media obsessively or donât text them as often â these can all be signs that youâre turning a corner.
10
Youâre Acting Out
Sometimes social media brings out the worst in people during sensitive times. And if you notice that keeping tabs on your exâs social media is prompting you to behave in ways you ordinarily wouldnât, like publishing passive-aggressive posts, that could be a sign your feelings about the breakup are only fueling anger and resentment, says OâReilly. While this doesnât mean you have to block them forever, it might be a sign that you should talk to someone to get to the bottom of your feelings and develop healthier emotional outlets.
11
You Refuse To Date Again (For The Wrong Reasons)
After a major breakup, dating again can be wildly confusing. While avoiding jumping into anything new might make sense, itâs important to analyze the reasons for your decision, says Solomita. Refusing to date so that you can enjoy the single life is a healthy reason to fly solo, she explains. But if you arenât dating because youâre scared, thatâs only holding you back â bringing your past issues along for the ride isnât going to help you heal, but working through them will.
12
Your Appetite Has Changed Long-Term
A breakup can be a huge source of stress, and sometimes too much stress can lead to diet changes, says OâReilly. This might mean youâve totally lost your appetite, youâre insatiably hungry, or arenât eating in a way that makes you feel good. No matter what the change is, a sign that itâs gone too far is that your appetite changes donât go away even if they make you feel unwell, says OâReilly. Seeking help for these problems can help you restore your normal eating habits, and getting back to that equilibrium can better equip you to handle stress without debilitating side effects.
13
You're Having New Difficulty With Substances
Self-medicating with substances after a breakup is particularly dangerous because it prevents you from getting to the root of your problem, says Klapow. And while itâs normal to try and safeguard yourself against the intense distress of heartbreak, he says substance use can take a turn for the worse. If you find yourself relying on substances more often than youâd like, itâs time to get outside support to find better coping mechanisms.
14
You Still Can't Sleep
Having trouble sleeping the first couple nights after a breakup is completely legitimate, especially if your former partner shared your bed. But not being able to fall asleep after an extended period of time can be a sign of something more serious, says Solomita.
The same goes for if you start to dread bedtime because of the insomnia youâre experiencing, she adds. Practicing good sleep hygiene and seeing a mental health professional can all help with sleeping problems. And getting your sleep back on track may help you start to feel better on all fronts.
15
It Won't Go Away
Thereâs no normal timeline when it comes to healing from heartbreak, says OâReilly. Klapow notes that may be typical to experience several weeks of intense distress, after which some of the more visceral feelings should start to subside. âIf you can work, go to school, find the ability to laugh, smile, and experience some level of joy even for a short while within a month of the [breakup], it is running its natural course,â he tells Bustle. âAnything from three to four weeks that hasnât moved forward deserves extra attention from a professional.â
That said, Parisi recommends checking in with yourself to see if you are able to keep up with your life. âIf the answer is ânoâ for any length of time, that would be a reason to seek help,â she says.
Experts:
Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist
Jess OâReilly, Ph.D., sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave
Brennan C. Mallonee, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor
Erin Parisi, LMHC, CAP, licensed counselor
Teresa Solomita, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker
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