Stop Doing Wife Sh*t For Randos

Dressing for the job you want might help in your career, but when it comes to your love life, think twice. You may think you have to preview what an exclusive relationship with you is like to a potential partner in the first few dates, but going above and beyond to win someone over could hurt you in the long run. Point blank: You need to stop doing wife sh*t for randos.

Your energy is precious; you shouldn’t spend it on a near-stranger just because you’ve had a few drinks together and seen pics of their dog. You wouldn’t help someone level up their life on the very first date by giving them career advice or helping them work through their generational trauma, for example, so you shouldn’t be doing that for someone who hasn’t defined your relationship either. Casual, consistent sex does not equal an exclusive relationship unless there’s a label — so yes, situationships count as “randos” too. If you’re seeking commitment and he’s not your boyfriend or partner, he’s ultimately just Some Guy.

This conversation surrounding relationship expectations has made its way to TikTok. Of course, for views, things can get a little hyperbolic. A trend that surfaced last year involved women “pranking” their male situationships by “doing wifey sh*t” for them — most often scheduling fake hair or dentist appointments — and filming their reactions. On the relationship side of TikTok, a viral term coined the “girlfriend effect” refers to the inevitable wardrobe update that comes with a long-term relationship.

Viewers are in on the joke — but where there is smoke, there is fire, and these funny takes stem from people making the mistake of giving away girlfriend/wife benefits before things get official. These privileges involve physical, emotional, or domestic labor that goes beyond what’s appropriate for someone you’re in the early stages of getting to know. This can include something simple like buying them a small gift because “it reminded you of them” while you’re out shopping, helping them with chores around the house, or drafting a tricky email to their boss with them, but it can also include more intimate perks — like being included in the core friend group and sex without condoms, according to dating expert and matchmaker Maria Avgitidis.

The real relationship duties — not just those that make for a funny TikTok — look like a mutual investment in one another’s well-being.

Despite the hodgepodge of “dating advice” available online, there is no one-size-fits-all way to take a connection from casual to serious. Some people might think that acting like they’re official early on might help them earn the title more easily.

“[My instinct is] to act like a girlfriend, so [potential partners] see me as a girlfriend,” says Brooke Schofield, host of the Cancelled With Tana Mongeau podcast and a content creator who often shares how she’s looking for a serious relationship with her followers. “I am looking to change that outlook because the problem is that they’re getting the benefits without having to make me their girlfriend, and then they just never will.”

You don’t want your labor to outpace your actual commitment, though. Plus, it’s critical to have boundaries about what those committed relationship perks look like for you. “Let’s not confuse wife duties with mommy duties,” Avgitidis says.

The real relationship duties — not just those that make for a funny TikTok — look like a mutual investment in one another’s well-being. As much as you may be tempted before you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone, you shouldn’t be their unpaid therapist when they’re having a bad day or their sounding board before making big decisions. (They should have other people to turn to for all of that.)

Kee Simone, a queer micro-influencer who often responds to relationship debates in the lesbian community on her TikTok account, believes that emotional intimacy is the No. 1 girlfriend/wife duty. “In hard or frustrating times, I’m going to show up for you as your partner. If you’re not dating someone exclusively, they don’t have a responsibility to do that for you,” she says.

You should of course be empathetic and interested in their well-being but shouldn’t feel as though it’s your sole responsibility to help them feel better, especially if the labor is one-sided. Your own needs should far and away be the main priority when starting to see someone. Instead of pouring effort into a low-key rando, use the early stages of dating to learn how they deal with different situations, good and bad, says Avgitidis. Maybe they tell you about a fight with their sibling and start calling them names — that could be a red flag for you. Or maybe they get a promotion at work and they make it clear they’d love to celebrate it over drinks with you. Green flags galore.

To figure out who eventually does deserve wife sh*t from you, prioritize having certain conversations within the first three dates to help you determine if you’re financially, emotionally, and spiritually compatible, Avgitidis says.

“Girlfriend benefits” are a currency. You should be getting a return on your investment when you’re in an exclusive relationship. Before an official DTR conversation, Avgitidis thinks you should treat the early stages of dating dynamics like a working relationship.

Perhaps you should think to yourself before you start folding laundry or running errands for the guy you’ve been casually seeing, “Would he do this for me too?”

Sources:

Maria Avgitidis, CEO of Agape Match

Kee Simone, micro-influencer