Hey Sickos, The Ultimate Purity Test Is Back!

Calling all prudes and sluts! Does anyone remember that looo-ong purity test that made the rounds online several years ago? Actually, there were a few versions of it (here's one, here's another), and I'm not even entirely sure that they made the rounds online. This might be one of those weird things of mine, like how I read up on oral sex techniques when I was 11 because I wanted to be prepared. I would have been a great Judy Blume heroine.

Well, anyway, I knew of this quiz, and took at least three versions of it (and "rounded up" for several questions because I was, you know, young money). And, unlike with "pick A, B, or C" Cosmo quizzes, I think I was actually sort of desperate to reach some conclusion about myself through it. Happily, it seems I wasn't entirely alone — at least one other person knew of this behemoth, vaguely slut-shaming (or prude-shaming?), utterly self-masturbatory exam. That would be Summer Anne Burton of BuzzFeed, who just brought the ultimate purity test back, baby! It's been updated for modern times, which means there are few questions about online dating and the like, but the test's DNA is virtually unchanged.

Should we discuss this, like, introspectively? I guess. Obviously, it's stupid and problematic to use a checklist system to categorize and measure sexuality. I mean, it's not great to categorize and measure sexuality, period. Also, this is so silly, because I am super open about sex and all of the sex I'm having (PLENTY, thx), but! Even I felt a teensy bit weirded out when a friend sent me her score in a group text, all, "You HAVE to take this," and my score came out way, way higher than hers. (I also just forced my boyfriend to take this, and my score was significantly higher than his, as well. With him, I simpered a little. 11-year-old me would be proud.)

My point is, sex should make you awesome and empowered and high-five-y; it shouldn't ever make you feel othered, which, I think, purity tests are all but guaranteed to. On the other hand, maybe it's good that BuzzFeed quizzes are designed to be shared, at least? Lessening the stigma of sexuality and so on? I'm cool with my sex number, even if it's inordinately high; I can own it.

Whatever. Honestly, as when I was 11, I couldn't not take this test. It felt like a challenge! Like, "No one's ever peed on you during sex? Where are you taking this from, the Mayflower?" This time around, the quiz didn't leave me feeling stoked, as, ideally, anything even tangentially related to sex should — surely I'm not the only one to know the woe of an unfinished to-do list. But, on the bright side, it did put me in a sexually adventurous mood! I'm sensing a public bathroom beej in my future; watch out, NYC.

Anyway. TL;DR, the test is goofy, take it or don't. But if you do, and if you score, say, above the 60th percentile, welcome to the slut club, babes. Our Members Only jackets are actually leather harnesses.