Today, we're going to talk about orgasms, and the indisputable fact that some orgasms are approximately a million times better than others. I mean, no consensual (duh) orgasms are terrible orgasms, it's true, but there is definitely such a thing as a disappointing orgasm — I know I've had them. For me, it's a feeling akin to unwrapping a bar of expensive chocolate I'm pretty excited about to find it whitish and kind of crumbly — I'm still gonna eat it without complaint, because it beats no chocolate bar at all, but all the while I'll be thinking about how it cost $3, and for what? For a chocolate bar that could have been quite a bit better, that's what.
As I'm sure you know from firsthand experience, there are a ton of factors that can impact an O's quality. Technique is obviously a big one, but circumstance and state of mind can play just as big of a role. Because pleasing techniques vary so much from person to person (a lot of women hate oral, for example), I'm mostly going to be focusing on the latter two in my roundup below. Enjoy, cringe, and commiserate with my definitive ranking of types of orgasms, from the sigh-inducing worst to the HIGH-FIVE ME, STRANGER best.
19. Fake Orgasms
Looks like this:
Feels like this:
18. Sexting Orgasms
OK, so you need to use your writing brain, you need to provide (flattering) visual aids, and you need to either play with yourself OR text with your non-dominant hand. THIS IS TOO MUCH WORK.
17. Overly Instructional Orgasms
16. Bad Dirty Talk Orgasms
Nobody wanted it to go down like this.
15. "ENOUGH ALREADY, I'll Do It Myself" Orgasms
Effort duly noted, but it's time for the pro to take over.
14. Procrasturbation Orgasms
The highest high, the bleakest comedown.
13. OhthankgodFINALLY Orgasms
Who's more relieved, you or the person whose head's been between your legs for 20 minutes?
12. Exhausted But Game Orgasms
It would be better if you hadn't been nodding off during the lead-up.
11. Quickie Orgasms
Nothing to write home about, but they get the job done.
10. First Orgasms With A New Person
It took a little getting there, but when you did, it was all:
9. Treat Yo'self To Some Porn Orgasms
Feels seedy, but pleasing.
8. "I Had The Worst Day At Work" Orgasms
It's gross to tell someone, "Thanks, I needed that," after they make you come, but you can think it really really loudly in your head and no one will know.
7. Saturday Morning Orgasms
Theoretically, you could do this all weekend!!!
6. "But My Roommate Will Be Back Any Minute!" Orgasms
Although, woe betide the hapless roomie who shows up before you can finish.
5. Multiple Orgasms
4. Great Dirty Talk Orgasms
*does a little happy dance*
3. Your S.O. Just Ran Out On An Errand — GO, GO, GO Orgasms
"Me Time" on the clock while someone else does a chore for you — what could be hotter?
2. Orgasms That Prove That The Cosmo Tip Was Legit
Because when Cosmo gets it right, Cosmo gets it sooo right.
1. New Toy Orgasms
Great investment or greatest investment?