Everyone has an embarrassing poop story. It just unavoidably happens. As it turns out, there's no option to ignore or send to voicemail when nature calls. And seriously, who calls anymore, even? Isn't that a bit aggressive, nature? Anyway, we learned long ago via mind-blowing cardboard-printed literature that every living thing on earth poops. What we unfortunately tend to learn firsthand is that when pooping needs to happen or ends up happening on its own—well, it isn't always up to us. For example, that bran muffin and half-pot of strong, black coffee may rudely not wait until you bolt from the office and run home for lunch to strike your colon with punishing impact. BMs kinda come when they please and there's seriously no arguing or fighting them because, again, it's nature and we are mere mortals just existing in it. Thus, you can trust for sure anyone who says they don't have a flat-out shameful personal pooping anecdote is a damn liar. There simply doesn't exist a degree of classiness that makes a human exempt from this very real humility-check. To help prove the point and really drive it home, BuzzFeed asked three brave folks to plop in front of the camera to share some of their most heinous stories involving bowel movement. They cover classics like:
Especially before puberty when we learned how to fake all kinds of emotions, we hadn't the foggiest how to handle...um, unforeseen bodily functions.
Nature may be at her most spiteful when we actually convince ourselves to do a little cardio when, instead of killer calves, she dishes out...something else.
Public restroom disgrace
Nothing like a disgusting, humbling experience as experienced in front of people you have never met and hopefully now never will.
For fairness' sake, I'll share one of my own now: On a road trip with an old friend back to our hometown for Christmas with our families, we agreed Long John Silver would be a hilarious lunch spot. We ordered two huge clamshells full of fried food at the drive-thru and kept trucking. I hadn't had fast food in eons and at first, my $2 sandwich tasted like something I might want to marry. Quickly, that changed. As my guts corkscrewed and made threatening noises, our conversation skidded to silence. I fixed my gaze out the window to the rain-soaked oak trees lining the highway. Thankfully, my friend picked up on the pain and wordlessly pulled up the front door of a rural Wal-Mart. I ran in and barely made it. I still feel badly for all the others who used the facility after me. Sorry guys. Also, be careful when getting brave with fried fish while stuck in a car.