Although Seamless revolutionized the world of takeout when they made it possible for us to order food online without having to speak to anyone on the phone, the fact remains that we still have to deal with at least one actual human at some point in the process: The delivery person. But what if there was a way to make Seamless totally… well, Seamless? Good news — there is! It's called Seamless: No Human, and it ensures that you'll never have to talk, see, or even sense another person at any point during your takeout experience! How wonderful!
There's just one downside: Seamless: No Human doesn't actually exist. It's the creation of New York-based sketch comedy group The Bilderbergers — but hey, actual Seamless people? I think The Bilderbergers might be onto something. The unsettlingly calm spokeswoman in this hilarious parody video is absolutely right when she says that when we order Seamless, we want food — not the psychological minefield of human interaction. Not only that, but everybody benefits from Seamless: No Human: Delivery people will no longer have to deal with the misplaced wrath of a customer who has a habit of taking their frustration out on everyone around them. How awesome is that?
Misanthrope that I am, Seamless: No Human speaks to something deep within my anxiety-ridden soul. After all, how can you say “no” to something as simple as this?
Step 1: Place Your Order
Step 2: Select the “No Human” Option
Step 3: Wait for the Knock on Your Door
Hear that? That's sweet sound of a delivery person dropping your food off for you. But thanks to the special Seamless: No Human training all delivery people everywhere will now receive, you'll never lay eyes on them — because they'll sprint down the hall and out of sight the moment they finish knocking.
But Wait! There's More!
The new features don't stop there; the whole thing gets even better. You see, your first Seamless: No Human order will also include a Seamless Food Claw, which will ensure that you won't even accidentally spotting your neighbors when you crack open your door to retrieve your dinner. All you have to do is this:
And Just To Sweeten the Deal…
Seamless: No Human drone delivery service is currently in beta. Wouldn't you like to have your meal delivered by a friendly, non-judgmental robot? I know I sure would.
OK, I'll admit it: For all the jokes I make about the fact that I hate people, I don't actually hate them that much. I do, however, experience a horrible amount of anxiety from the seemingly innocuous social interaction that is ordering food and signing the receipt. It's something I probably need to work on myself… but there's no denying that Seamless: No Human would make it a whole lot easier.
Watch the full video below. Maybe one day, it will finally become a reality. Stranger things have happened, right?