Oprah's Not-So-Favorite Things Are Weird

No, unfortunately there's nary a sweater cape, calypso music, paisley top, nor high heeled flip-flop on Oprah's list of Favorite Things for 2013. So all you 30 Rock obsessives are going to have to pump the breaks. But there's plenty to be excited about if you are a fan of things baptized by the gilded touch of Our Lady of Winfrey.

Oh sure — there's plenty of things that pass the Oprah test and get the Bump of a Million Consumer-Happy Housewives, but the apex has been and always will be her seasonal offerings of fun and festive frivolity. If you have a couple hundred dollars to drop on each of your friends, that is.

Like a $500 truffle risotto kit (STOP READING NOW, RITA WILSON! You, too, Hanks!), or a $395 pillow with a sketch of your dog on it because animals aren't already expensive enough. Don't forget this $168 plate that has artwork on it by Clementine Hunter — though I'm not wholly convinced she doesn't just work at Color Me Mine. And these $400 serving utensils that are also art, which is great for when you want to buy something functional and beautiful for someone who would most assuredly be too terrified to use it.

Or these $136 4-pack of t-shirts, even though no one should pay that much for anything Ashton Kutcher is involved in. Especially when it's just fucking t-shirts.Not up to snuff? Then here's a $225 candle that smells like Christmas, so totally worth the price (I mean in THAT case, let's get 7)! Or, if you're more budget-conscious, try these $100 headbands on for size. They're a great gift for the Veruca Salt in everyone.

Now, as wonderful as these trinkets and treasures are — there were actually some things that didn't make the list. I KNOW! Luckily we've compiled said Not-So-Favorite Things™ for those of you looking to go a bit off the beaten path of excess and beautiful baubles. It's like seeing an off-Broadway play instead of an on-Broadway play.

Like...

Because nothing says "keepsake" like the nuanced beauty of Microsoft Word standard, the Lucida Calligraphy font.

Or these $400 Sky Goggles with a Camera!

Finally, those mountain wipe-out videos on YouTube get the angle they deserve.

And, natch, this $595 perfume bottle.

It's also art!

Or THIS $1,000 liquid sculpture with fragrance!

Whatever the fuck that means.

Or this $3,500 roulette set!

Because, as the site puts it, "talk about a game changer."

And, of course, Rita Wilson's second-place Christmas gift, the $1,000 lobster frittata!

Now we can all just breathe a sigh of relief because your holiday shopping is totally in the bag. Thanks Opes!

Images: Neiman Marcus [5], Norma's at Le Parker Meridien [1]