My Weird, Wonderful Week Living Like Gwyneth Paltrow

Yoni steams, bee venom therapy, candles that “smell like my vagina” — in the matter of talked-about wellness figures, Gwyneth Paltrow makes more headlines than most. Ever since she launched her wellness and lifestyle brand, Goop, in 2008, critics have enjoyed picking apart her every bone broth-drinking move. A lot of the stuff she does is pretty normal, like yoga, smoothies, and nightly baths. Other things are, um, pretty unique, like rectal ozone therapy (which sounds like it could be refreshing, like a cool bidet, although that doesn’t seem to be what it is at all).

Some of her wellness experiments may be questionable, but you can’t argue Paltrow can be the first to pinpoint things that are considered weird and wacky years before they crossover into the mainstream. See: jade eggs (I’d avoid), the mental health benefits of psilocybin (now microdosed by hundreds of Silicon Valley bros), and psychic vampire repellant (still TBD on this one).

In a way, I can sort of relate to Paltrow and her penchant for alternative health and beauty treatments. While I may not have her mega fortune, I am a beauty editor, so I’ve been able to try my fair share of reiki sessions, crystal facials, intra-oral massages, and so on. I’m also an Angeleno, born and raised in Southern California, so I naturally prescribe to a few wellness clichés that come with the territory. I also consider myself a witch, so I might’ve had a few “woo-woo” experiences that even Paltrow has yet to encounter. Overall, I’d consider myself curious and adventurous, but I also have a skeptic’s eye. It’s called balance — #justLibrathings, baby! (Paltrow is a fellow Libra.)

In the quest for a healthier me, I decided to try my best to live like Gwyneth Paltrow for five days to see how it would affect my body and mind. I’d indulge in a variety of Goop-approved treatments, such as Ayurvedic massage, as well as the more simple things she does on a daily basis, like dry brushing. I passed on jade eggs, bee venom therapy, and anything I felt was too extreme, but was open to other ideas within reason. I should also note that there are some Gwyneth or Goop-approved things I already do, like transcendental meditation (although I could definitely be more consistent) and the ProLon Diet — a five-day, fasting-mimicking diet that supports your metabolism and promotes longevity through cellular rejuvenation. (I’ve done multiple rounds and swear by it; I truly believe it reset something that was off in my body.)

Ahead, find my honest review of some Gwyneth-approved treatments, plus my takeaway after attempting to live like the Goop founder for a week.

Day One

Enjoying A Day At Surya Spa

First, I went to Santa Monica’s Surya Spa, founded by Martha Soffer, an Ayurvedic doctor, chef, and herbalist. The center specializes in Panchakarma, an intense Ayurvedic detoxification program customized for each individual that usually spans a couple of days at a minimum. Paltrow says Surya gets her to “a place of profound equilibrium and deep renewal,” so, obviously, this is the place to go for the ultimate wellness experience. Since I didn’t have a week to dedicate to the full Panchakarma treatment, I booked myself for one treatment commonly used during the detox: a 90-minute Abhyanga and Shirodhara treatment, which consists of a four-handed massage that uses warm oils customized to your needs. It isn’t the same as a traditional massage but is meant to open your energy channels and restore a youthful glow to the skin. The Shirodhara part comes in at the end of the treatment, when warm or cold oils are dripped onto your forehead, or third eye, in a specific pattern.

Before my treatment, I had a consultation with Soffer, where she checked my pulse, had me stick out my tongue, and asked a few questions about my health and diet. She asked about my hormones, and I mentioned that I was already in perimenopause, but it was also interesting because I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis just a few days before. Soffer gave me a few dietary recommendations before I went off to experience my treatment. It’s hard to put into words how incredible the Abhyanga and Shirodhara treatment was. I felt safe and comforted, like a baby. At the end of the Shirodhara, I had an interesting vision that looked so real, even though my eyes were completely covered. (I’ve had similar things like this happen during reiki, where it literally unlocked some childhood trauma.) I understand why Soffer is considered such a guru in the wellness world (even Kourtney Kardashian went to her for fertility treatments). I already can’t wait to go back.

Day Two

Dry Brushing In The Morning...

The next day, after doing my 20 minutes of transcendental meditation, I proceeded to do some dry brushing, just like Paltrow does every morning. It felt like a nice, full-body back scratch all over my body, and is supposed to help keep things moving in your lymphatic system.

...Followed By Oil Pulling

Next, I did some oil pulling, which consists of swishing coconut oil around in your mouth to (supposedly) pull toxins from the body while boosting oral health; I use GuruNanda Cocomint Pulling Oil. Tongue scraping is another thing I already do, but hadn’t been consistent with in weeks. I learned it from nutritionist and wellness expert Kimberly Snyder’s podcast, where she mentions its many benefits, like freshening breath and reducing the risk of cavities and gingivitis.

Sipping On Some Celery Juice

After working out with my personal trainer Noa, I was too tired to try to fit in a dance cardio session, which is Gwyneth’s preferred form of exercise. However, I did manage to fit in another Gwyneth-approved wellness choice: celery juice, which my husband, Jimmy, picked up for me after my workout. Paltrow has said that she likes drinking her celery juice in her sauna. Unfortunately, I don’t have my own at-home sauna, but I do have fancy Madonna Inn goblets, so I poured the juice in one to make the experience more special. At first, it tasted too green, if you know what I mean — yet I ended up drinking the whole thing and craving it the next day. What in the name of Gwyneth is going on here?

Day Three

Cooking An Elaborate “Boyfriend Breakfast”

Paltrow isn’t big on breakfast, but she does enjoy cooking it for her husband, Brad Falchuk. Dubbed the “Boyfriend Breakfast,” the tradition began when Paltrow used to cook him breakfast every Saturday morning when they were dating. I noticed that one of the last Boyfriend Breakfast meals she posted on Instagram was a Paleo-style Breakfast Tocilog, which is usually a sweet, fried pork (tocino), fried rice (sinangag), and eggs (itlog). A Filipino-inspired meal? Sign me up. I had some already-marinated chicken tocino in the freezer, so I decided to cook that alongside sinangag — not cauliflower rice, even though I’ve made it that way before — and topped it off with a couple of fried eggs. Jimmy loved it, of course.

Swiping On A Lil’ Goop Beauty

It was only natural that I use Paltrow’s namesake beauty brand during this experience. So, I switched out my usual matte red lip for the Goop Beauty Clean Nourishing Lip Balm in Tomato and really loved the color payoff. And I am now obsessed with the Goop Beauty Colorblur Glow Balm in Venus — it gave me the perfect flush of color to my cheeks.

Hanging In The Sauna & An Ice Bath

Paltrow has the privilege of having an at-home spa where she hangs out in her infrared sauna and can cold plunge anytime. I don’t have that, but luckily, I was able to head over to Pause Studio where they offer Contrast Therapy, a service where you alternate between hot (infrared sauna) and cold (ice baths) therapy treatments to improve blood circulation, boost the immune system, repair tired muscles, and more. I spent about 10 minutes in the infrared sauna, but could only dip a toe into the cold plunge. This was definitely the most challenging Gwyneth Paltrow experience so far, but I still felt really good afterward. If only I could handle the ice-cold water!

Day Four

Road-Testing A Cupping Treatment

Next, I went to The Now for a cupping treatment, which is an ancient Chinese mode of therapy that involves suctioning the skin with cups made of glass, plastic, or silicone. Research shows that cupping may help improve blood flow, boost immune function, remove toxins, and reduce pain and inflammation, while some believe that the suction helps the flow of qi — Chinese for “life force” or energy — in the body. (Long before the days of Goop, Paltrow got some attention when she went to a movie premiere back in 2004 and showed up in a backless gown covered in bruise-like cupping marks.)

During my experience at The Now, I had an incredible body massage, followed with the Gliding Cupping enhancement. I left feeling calm and relaxed. The tension in my neck and shoulders from my workout (and life) were gone. Like 2004 Gwyneth, I had a fancy party in Hollywood to attend, and wore a backless dress showing off my cupping marks. I felt completely comfortable — these days, it’s not as out of place to have them, especially in LA!

Day Five

Ordering From Goop Kitchen

For my final step as a Goop-queen-in-training, I decided to Postmates something from Goop Kitchen (yes, Goop actually has a restaurant), which I had only heard good things about. I went with the The Best Arugula Salad with added salmon, and also tried the Everyday Kale and Brussels Salad. I’m not joking when I say these were so delicious, I almost ordered them again the next day. Plus, they were pricey but not Erewhon-expensive — the salads were around $13 without added protein. OK, Goop Kitchen! I get the hype. My only complaint is that I wish it were closer to my neighborhood. (Gwyneth, can we get some love for the Eastside?)

My Takeaway

There are some things that I really wish I had gotten to do, like lil’ yoni/ vaginal steam situation, but I didn’t get to book an appointment in time. Another less adventurous goal was to work on my sleep hygiene — Paltrow is very serious about her z’s, which is something I struggle with. I also wish I could have been able to experience an energy healing from John Amaral (if you watched The Goop Lab, then you know what I’m talking about). But even without experiencing these more out-there treatments, I felt incredibly relaxed the entire week, even when things got stressful. This was important because the last time I got stressed out a couple of months ago, I broke out in a full-body rash. As someone who’s a proud member of the hot girls with IBS movement, I also found that my digestion improved by the end of the week. And overall, I finished the experience wanting to just take way better care of myself in both body and mind.

Speaking of mind, I did make an appointment to see a psychic medium next week...