Quinn’s Audio Stories Are Totally Like Fan Fiction

“You like that?” Rob Rausch whispers in my ear as his deep breathing escalates. We’re having simultaneous orgasms in the Traitors castle while he tells me to “just relax and enjoy.” I knew he would fall for me if we ever crossed paths, and now, here I am, banging one out in Scotland with him. Dreams do come true.

Except he’s not Rob. He’s Alex, a snake handler in rural Alabama (so, essentially Rob). And he’s not whispering in my ear — he’s whispering in my headphones, because this is a Quinn audio story.

As Rob’s voice guides me to finish (“That’s it, baby, you’re doing so good”), I wonder: Is anyone listening to this because they want to fantasize about Alex the snake handler? Or are we all just picturing Rob from Love Island in his overalls? If the answer is what I think it is, does that mean Quinn is just RPF with a subscription fee?

If you’ve spent time in the hornier corners of the internet, you probably know RPF: real person fiction. As the name suggests, it’s fan fiction about real people, and it can feature actors, musicians, and anyone famous and hot enough to inspire a teen to open a Google Doc and start typing. It puts the star of the writer’s fantasies into a fictional scenario, i.e., Harry Styles spots you in the audience and becomes obsessed, Glen Powell meets you at a bar and asks for your number, etc.

That is basically what Quinn is doing, with one important caveat: The celebrities aren’t playing themselves. They’re playing fictional characters, à la Alex the snake handler. But because the scene is being narrated by the person you already have a crush on, sometimes even with biographical details that ring suspiciously true to life, the distinction starts to get pretty blurry.

The more Quinn stories I listened to, the more I realized how little the character — or the plot — actually matters. That may sound harsh, because I’m sure Alex the snake handler has a rich inner life. (Or could have. In theory.) But Quinn gives you just enough fantasy to let your imagination take over.

In The Snake Handler, Rausch voices Alex, a quiet tattooed guy who lives alone at a reptile sanctuary. In Hidden Harbor, Christopher Briney (aka The Summer I Turned Pretty’s Conrad Fisher) is River, a hot surfer-slash-bartender. In The Regent, Lucien Laviscount (the only correct choice on Emily in Paris) is Peter Kelly, a charming jewel thief in golden-age Hollywood. And in Rent Free, Off Campus stars Mika Abdalla and Steven Kalyn play struggling artist Nora and her best friend’s older brother Jack, who accidentally move in together.

The most erotic word in the script? “You.”

Quinn isn’t asking you to become deeply invested in who these people are. It gives you a type, a scenario, and an alluring voice, then leaves plenty of room for you to fill in the blanks. Many of the stories only reveal one side of the conversation. Instead of Rob speaking to a female voice, he is talking directly to me, with beats left quiet for the listener to imagine how they would respond. The most erotic word in the script? “You.”

And don’t get me started on the noises.

The kissing. The deep breathing. The general audio proof that, yes, something is happening over there. It’s the auditory equivalent of being told not to look through a keyhole. For a glorious 30-minute episode, you get to actually imagine, with supporting evidence, that you are having sex with your celebrity crush. It’s RPF on steroids.

The whole thing feels like the logical evolution of the fan fiction teens wrote in the early 2010s (which makes sense, since 41.6% of listeners are between the ages of 25 and 34, according to Quinn). The fan-fiction girlies have simply grown up, gotten access to better technology, and figured out how to cast their celebrity crush themselves. Frankly, we all have come a long way.