5-Year High School Reunions Vs. 10-Year High School Reunions

It’s almost Thanksgiving, and you know what that means — your vegan uncle expressing judgment about the turkey, your conservative uncle praising the Supreme Court, and high school reunions. However, not all high school reunions are created equal, and depending on how far out you are from graduation, they might feel differently. For example...

• 5 years: If my ex is there, he’s going to be so impressed with how mature I am. No more letting guys touch my boobs in their mom’s minivans!
• 10 years: If my ex is there, I’m hiring a date. I’ll wear a cute bra just in case the actor does a convincing job.

• 5: Can’t wait to see if my crush is still single!
• 10: If Matt is the only single man there, I will f*ck him, but I won’t be happy about it, and I will not admire his new tattoo.

• 5: I hope Trevor brings his fiancé. I’d love to see an engagement ring in the flesh.
• 10: If anyone brags about their wedding ring, I’m showing them my butt tattoo from that Phish concert. Fair’s fair.

• 5: Isn’t it cool that Tim’s in law school?
• 10: Should I go to law school? Don’t answer that.

• 5: Wow, I can’t believe Janie is married.
• 10: Wow, I can’t believe Janie is still married.

• 5: I’m still on my parents’ health insurance.
• 10: Do you know if the five-year reunion is happening nearby? I’m hoping to marry someone still on their parents’ health insurance.

• 5: Paying rent makes me feel like a real adult! Plus, I have a place to live.
• 10: Yeah, I’m totally going to buy a house once I stop setting $3,000 on fire every month to live in a cube in Brooklyn.

• 5: We need to do a weekly group Zoom call.
• 10: This reunion could have been a Zoom call. Or maybe an e-mail.

• 5: How’s your mom?
• 10: You’re a mom?

• 5: Do you have a good bed bugs guy? Maybe I shouldn’t have dragged my mattress in off the street, but other than the bed bugs, it’s perfect.
• 10: Do you have a good Botox guy?

• 5: I can’t wait to get hammered tonight!!!
• 10: Does anyone have a Lactaid? I shouldn’t have had that third cheese cube.

• 5: Wow, you look AMAZING!
• 10: Wow, you are here.

• 5: Time flies, pretty soon we’ll be 30!
• 10: Time does not fly and I have ages and ages until I’m 30. Please stop talking.

• 5: It’s over at 10? OK, where’s the afterparty?
• 10: It doesn’t start ‘til 7? Will it be weird if I leave at 8?

• 5: I love reunions. They’re a reminder of how much older we’re getting!
• 10: I hate reunions. They’re a reminder of how much older we’re getting.