Entertainment
A Real Housewife's tagline is crucial. These short phrases set the tone for the season and give the fans a hint about what to expect from the cast members. Plus, these phrases can be perfect slogans for merchandise and GIFs. But what about the husbands? The RHONJ husbands shared taglines during Part 3 of the Season 9 reunion. and the results were...well, they were something.
Before the guys shared their hypothetical taglines, reunion host Andy Cohen said, "We have never in the thirteen years of the Real Housewives asked the husbands this. So, I can't wait to find out what you think." And it's about time, especially after this season, where it felt like a sideshow was going on with all the husband drama. (Or the husband's inserting themselves into the drama.)
If only Danielle Staub's ex-husband Marty Caffrey was on that stage, right? There are plenty of clever things he could say about getting pushed into a pool or ending a short-lived marriage. Too soon?
Even with Marty's (logical) absence, Joe Gorga, Joe Benigno, Frank Catania, Evan Goldschneider, and Bill Aydin all came through with some fitting taglines to represent their time on the show. And just like the ladies' taglines, not all taglines are created equal. Some of the men hit us with some clever quotations and others were just cringeworthy.
So without further ado, here is a ranking of the New Jersey guys' taglines from worst to most plausible. And just in case you're not used to their foul language, be forewarned that some of them are X-rated.
1
"I Don't Flip Tables. I Have Sex On Them."
He also tried out, "I'm Not A Plumber, But I Know How To Lay Pipe." Ugh, Joe, Joe, Joe. After years of on-camera interviews and reunion appearances, these are the two that Joe came up with?
With two family members on the show, he definitely could have done better. The plumbing tagline is random and there was some wasted potential with the table flipping start. That could have been way better. However, Joe gets honorary points for attempting to dress the part with a makeshift Real Housewife dress.
2
"I Work Hard. I Play Hard. Until I Spent All My Money On Boats & Wh*res."
Dolores Catania's ex-husband Frank Catania started out strong with the "work hard, play hard" part, but the rest was just not catchy at all. Plus, he has become such an endearing character on the show, it was a little jarring to hear him call women "whores."
He could have even went with "I work hard and I play hard... with my ex-wife and her current boyfriend." Or just something to highlight his unconventional friendship with his ex.
3
"I Have Four Kids, Two Degrees, & One Kick Ass Wife."
Evan Goldschneider's phrase has all the makings of a Real Housewife's tagline. And that's because it basically is one. Jackie Goldschneider's Season 9 tagline is "I have four kids, two degrees, and one kick ass life."
Sure, Evan's tagline is good and a sweet nod to his wife, but it's not the most original. Thank u, next.
4
"If You Want The Job Done Right, Ask Me & I'll Do Your Wife."
Yes, Joe Benigno's tagline is very sexual and not the most clever, but it gets a the number two spot for a reason. He follows the Real Housewife playbook with this one — every seasoned Housewife knows that the best defense is a good offense, which is exactly what this is.
Instead of letting people come at him for his extramarital affair with now-wife Margaret Josephs on this hypothetical Real Househusbands of New Jersey Show, Joe pulls his own skeleton out of the closet and beats people to the punch. He's good at this Bravo game.
5
"A Nip/Tuck A Day Allows My Wife To Spend & Play."
Jennifer Aydin's husband Billy Aydin came through with a PERFECT RHONJ tagline. It rhymes and it shares so much. He references his job as a plastic surgeon and he pokes fun at his wife's highly bragged about spending habits. Chef's kiss.
As great as the glorified sideshow with the New Jersey guys has been this season, it's fair to say that a bunch of them are much more entertaining on the fly in conversations with each other and their wives than they are with prepared taglines. But all around, they get points for being the most game dudes of all the Real Housewives hubbies.
