Life
While you and your significant other can be perfect for each other in 101 ways, it's still possible to be financially incompatible with your partner. Not everyone is a money whiz, and that's OK. But ongoing problems can quickly put a strain on your relationship, and even lead to problems down the road. So how bad is too bad, and how many problems are too many problems? Luckily, there are ways to find this out, and you don't need to hire a detective to do so.
According to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, (aka "Dr. Romance"), a psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, it's possible for couples to commit "financial infidelity." This happens when "they haven't established good communication, they're trying to avoid conflict, or they're out of control and don't want to admit it," she tells Bustle.
Ongoing financial problems can be a sign your partner isn't prioritizing you, Tessina says, and that they lack self control. "It can be every bit as harmful as sexual infidelity," she says, "even if most people don't take it as seriously." Here are relationship money red flags to watch out for, because the sooner you start to spot them, the better.
8
They Borrow Money From People A Lot
Again, it's OK if someone finds themselves in a bad spot, and they need to ask for money in order to get back on their feet. But your partner shouldn't be borrowing money from friends and family on a regular basis, especially if they aren't also making an effort to improve their position — possibly by getting a better job.
"Borrowing small sums of money often and not paying it back can illustrate a certain irresponsibility and dependence on others when it comes to finances, which can develop into a larger issues and serious debt," Zoe Coetzee, an in-house relationship psychologist and dating expert for EliteSingles, tells Bustle. "Financial boundaries should be respected in relationships, and continually overstepping this line is the sign of an issue."
9
They Try To Control Your Money
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you may be in a relationship with someone who is fiscally responsible, and they like to give you financial advice, too — i.e., how you should and shouldn't spend your money. But, it can become detrimental — and fast.
"Your partner should never use money as a means of power," Coetzee says. "Controlling your access to finances or information about your joint finances is a danger sign in a relationship." Withholding access to credit cards, giving you an "allowance," or saying you aren't allowed to work are all signs of financial abuse, so don't take this lightly.
10
They Don't Want To Talk About Money — Ever
Of course, you know that "communication is key," whether it's regarding relationships, an issue you're having at work, or, in this case, money. So if, whenever you broach the subject of money and your significant other backs off, consider it a red flag.
In this instance, Tessina recommends continuing to try talking about money with your partner. "No matter how well or poorly your finances are going at any given time, keep your financial discussions going," she says. "The more frequently you discuss your finances, the less difficult the discussions will be, and the more likely that you'll make good financial choices."
Hopefully, over time, they'll be able to open up, and you'll have a healthier financial life as a result. But if not, it may mean they're hiding something, aren't mature in their approach to money, or that they aren't taking your relationship seriously.
11
Their Money Values Don't Align With Yours
Perhaps you and your partner have tried to come to a mutual understanding about money, and the way you each spend and save it, but nothing works. While figuring out a budget can take time, don't ignore years of ongoing financial disagreements.
In fact, "if a couple has different spending habits and values, this can be a relationship dealbreaker," Coetzee says. "Should a couple have differing financial approaches and values, it can be difficult to reconcile in their joint decisions of lifestyle and everyday expenses, especially if living together." And it may not be something you'll be able to fix.
Financial issues cause major divides in relationships, so it's important to look out for money-related red flags, and talk about them ASAP. The issues listed above will provide a great conversation starter to make talking about money easier. Because the less you have to worry about money and money matters with your partner, the better.
Experts:
Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together
Zoe Coetzee, in-house relationship psychologist and dating expert for EliteSingles
Brianna McGurran, student loans and personal finance expert at NerdWallet
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