The "3-6-9 Rule” Can Help Determine If Your Relationship Will Last

Nothing is more magical than the early days of a new relationship. It’s always fun to feel butterflies in your stomach as you trot off to a date and think about where your connection may lead. Instead of looking for flaws, you’re too busy kissing and sending cute texts. “They really are perfect,” you might think, as you add a few extra heart emojis.

If you’ve been blindsided by this type of relationship ending abruptly three months later, then the viral “3-6-9” rule from TikTok could be for you. In a clip posted Sept. 6, creator @bbybergz says the rule is perfect for people who often forget to pace themselves at the start of a new relationship, as well as anyone who has unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.

This rule encourages you to focus on three things — chemistry, compatibility, and commitment — as you move through the first nine months of the relationship. The goal is to prevent you from confusing chemistry for compatibility, and instead look for signs that you’re actually a good match.

In another clip, @annabellegesson says the 3-6-9 rule also describes the stages of a new relationship and how it tends to unfold. To break it down, the first three months are the honeymoon stage, the next three are when life can get rocky and real, and the next three are when you should be able to decide if the relationship is worth your time. Here, a relationship expert explains this rule and how to use it to your advantage.

What Is The “3-6-9 Rule” For Dating?

According to Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert with the Hily dating app, the 3-6-9 rule can help you determine if you should continue to pursue a relationship long-term. It’s perfect if you tend to rush into dating, get blindsided by random ghostings, or break up with people and later regret it. Here’s the rundown:

Months 1 - 3

This is the “honeymoon” stage where everything feels easy, breezy, and amazing. You go on fun dates, hook up all the time, and can’t seem to get enough of each other. It truly feels like a rom-com come to life.

“This stage usually lasts three months because people are typically still projecting their fantasy version of their ideal partner onto the other person,” she tells Bustle. “It tends to take this length of time to stop seeing the fantasy and start recognizing there’s a very fallible person in front of you.”

The honeymoon phase is also when people are on their best behavior. Since you’re trying to impress each other, it’s easy to feel like you’ve found The One — someone who’s truly perfect in every way. It’s also tough to gauge compatibility when all you’re doing is watching movies and going out to dinner, which can further add to the illusion.

Months 3 - 6

After the honeymoon phase wears off, Romanoff says you may start to experience your first few challenges as a duo. This is when your partner’s imperfections emerge and their shortcomings become more apparent.

Maybe you go on vacation and realize they whine when they’re hungry, or you stay over at each other’s houses and start to bicker over who ate the leftovers. “Usually this stage results in small arguments and disagreements,” she says, and you may find yourselves navigating tougher conversations.

Bigger issues can also arise as the fantasy starts to fade and real life takes over. Maybe you realize your partner’s work ethic doesn’t match your own or that they’re chronically late to your dates. It’s normal to feel completely disappointed during this stage, and many couples break up.

Stage 3 (months 6 - 9)

This is the true “make it or break it” moment. The honeymoon stage is done, you’ve seen how your partner carries themselves in arguments and in everyday life, and now you get to decide if you like what you see.

As you come out the other side of the whirlwind first stage and the potentially annoying second stage, your relationship should start to calm down and find a groove. If all is well, the nine-month mark is the perfect time to commit to each other for real.

Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

Once you get to the nine-month mark, you should have enough information to decide if you’re compatible. Nine months is also enough time to learn each other’s communication styles, talk about long-term goals, and test if you share the same values.

Many couples call it quits the moment the honeymoon stage ends, Romanoff says, but if you want a long-term connection, you often have to push through those first conflicts that happen in months three through six. That said, she doesn’t want you to ignore blatant red flags or push through true toxicity.

“A relationship that is healthy should encourage you to be the best version of you, embrace the messy and complicated aspects of growth, and feel like you have them in your corner despite your differences,” she says. The 3-6-9 rule is a helpful way to pace yourself and keep in mind what’s normal — and what isn’t — on the road to love.

Source:

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, relationship expert with the Hily dating app