Ask Gen Z
Gen Z’s Go-To Sex Expert Tells Us How To Have More Fun In Bed
The Anal Princess spills the deets.
In Ask Gen Z, youngs answer our burning millennial questions about internet culture, dating, and what's actually cool right now. Here, TikTok and OnlyFans creator Stella Barey gives tips on enjoying sex more.
At just 23 years old, Stella Barey has become one of the buzziest porn stars on social media. Not only is she in the top .01% of OnlyFans creators, making over $200,000 a month on the platform, Barey, aka the Anal Princess, has amassed a loyal following on TikTok — before her first account was deleted, she had over 750,000 followers and 12-20 million views on multiple videos — thanks to her unfiltered and candor talking about sex and sexual health on the app.
Whether it’s bringing her followers along for STI testing or answering questions her followers are too embarrassed to ask anyone else, Barey doesn’t shy away from any topic on TikTok. She started her account in secret two years ago during the peak of the pandemic as a way to express herself while finishing pre-med in a tiny Los Angeles apartment. (She went on to graduate from UCLA and take the MCAT, but decided to pursue content creation after seeing the $500 med school application fees.)
While Barey saw almost immediate success on each of her social platforms, she’s dealt with censorship across each and lost accounts; she’s had at least 15 different TikTok handles and counting. Now, Barey, who’s currently @bellastarey and @bareysandcream on the app, talks about sex in extremely coded ways — she often uses the corn emoji to refer to porn and “back door” to refer to her butt — and, even then, she gets reported and has to start from scratch.
“I think it’s devastating that social media shuns the idea of sex, the naked body, key parts of what it means to be human,” Barey tells Bustle. “Sex can teach us all about how to be more open, fun, curious humans … sex will happen no matter what legislation there is to ban it, so it’s safer to have light shed on it than bury it in the dark.”
Despite her ongoing fight to keep her videos and accounts up, Barey’s become the sex ed TikTok never had. And, after the pandemic killed many people’s sex drives, they want her advice now more than ever. Below, she gives her best advice on having better sex.
So many TikTokers come to you for sex advice. How did you find out what you like in bed?
Solo play is the best way to figure out what you like — mentally and physically. I used to have a really hard time orgasming. The main reason was because I didn’t know what to do physically to make myself orgasm. I have now found one specific vibrator that works best for me — the Nu Sensuelle Bullet Vibrator — but it took a lot of trial and error to learn how to best get myself off and that my own hand and most vibrators don’t do it for me. Secondly, because I couldn’t mentally focus on orgasming, I didn’t know how to. It took me years of daily practice to go into my mind and create fantasies that actually get me off. It’s not just about imagining what you think should be hot. It’s about meditating while you masturbate to allow whatever thoughts pop into your head to come to the forefront.
If you don’t know where to begin, start watching porn and see what makes you tingle. Solo play is a great exercise to relax into your own mind and body, and sit comfortably with yourself. I’ve created fantasies in my head that I may never tell another soul — it’s fun having a little secret with yourself. It’s part of being your own best friend, with a hot story in your mind palace that you know gets you going.
Keeping things hot in bed can be hard in a long-term relationship, especially during a pandemic. Is there a simple way to keep things sexy?
Try new things that get you both out of your comfort zones, make you laugh, and bond you. Watch their favorite porn with them and both masturbate together or have sex while watching. Mimic a porno — turn it on and see if you and your partner can keep up doing all the positions and following along with exactly what they do. Another way to spice things up from home is to play with camgirls … it [feels] like a threesome but so much easier and relaxed, and really good training for a real threesome if you want to explore that with your partner. Another great thing that I think all couples should try is new toys. It’s bound to cause a laugh or two, and definitely a good orgasm.
What toys would you recommend for couples? What about solo play?
For solo and couple play my favorite vibrator in the world is the one I just mentioned, the Nu Sensuelle Bullet Vibrator. It’s the strongest one I’ve ever tried while also being really small and easy to use during sex with your partner too. For couples play, I personally love cock rings, ball rings, and ropes to get tied up with. I’d also recommend the metal dildos by the brand NJOY, they are heavy and so smooth to use vaginally or anally. I have one that is heavy enough to make you squirt when used vaginally, but also feels amazing anally, and can be heated up or chilled for temperature play. A tiny silicone butt plug in your butt (or theirs) during sex can also be super hot. I’ve learned that using a silicone plug is much softer on you than a metal plug, but still makes your p*ssy extra tight for your partner and gives you added anal stimulation.
What about introducing kinks in bed? Do you have any advice on exploring with a new partner?
Laugh, laugh, and laugh more. Keep it fun and silly. Watching porn together that explores that kink is also helpful. In the end, be curious, don’t expect it to go perfectly, ask lots of questions, and commit to making it a fun experience no matter what happens. The key is to foster a relationship where you both are comfortable being silly, weird, and open with your partner. Trying new things with your partner is the best way to get to know each other on a deeper level and build a strong bond.
What would you say to someone who is hesitant to experiment in bed?
On one hand, experimentation is an act of self-discovery, self-exploration, vulnerability, bonding with your partner, silliness, and not taking life so seriously. On the other, experimenting can mean leaving the box you have drawn for yourself, leaving your comfort zone, and letting go of certain ideas of dignity you may cling to. But growth always comes when you move in the direction of your fears. If you fear something, it’s oftentimes the thing you need to do most. The bedroom is one of the safest places to leave your comfort zone — there is no way to “fail,” it’s a place for fun and vulnerability with someone you love. It’s a great place to start exploring beyond your [levels of comfort], which will then give you the confidence to do so in other areas of your life!
Speaking of confidence, many people want to sext but get too embarrassed or get writer’s block. Is there a secret to sending the perfect sext?
Sexting is all about visualizing a story in your head and playing it out sentence-by-sentence for your partner. If you don’t have any go-to fantasies, you can even just describe what happens in your favorite porno. The key is also to keep each text short, simple, and naughty. Writing out long descriptions with proper punctuation and too many adjectives and adverbs is not hot. Drop one hot sentence to carry along your fantasy, and then let your partner add to the story next. You guys are writing a fun sex story together.
Whenever I get writer’s block while sexting, I make sure to start masturbating, and then sexting just flows out of me! Pictures and videos help too, if you’re comfortable sending nudes to your sexting partner, but photos are never necessary. I know it can be stressful to take a hot nude on the fly during a sexting session, so if it doesn’t feel easy, don’t feel the need to add pictures, because the point is that you are enjoying yourself. Words are all you need for a hot sexting session.
As a top creator on OnlyFans, taking a good nude is an important aspect of your job. What are your best tips?
The nudes that get the most love and engagement are always my most simple, unedited, barely-any-makeup nude mirror selfies. People want to see you and get an intimate view of your world. Yes, your nude body is sexy, but it’s even more erotic when it feels like an intimate gesture. Taking a nude for a significant other isn’t the time to be a pro nude model with professional lighting, strong poses, and fancy lingerie. It’s the time to be an amateur. Be yourself. Don’t aim for perfection. Try to capture the feeling that it’s the first nude you’ve ever taken. No poses, no forced facial expressions, just innocence, baring yourself in front of the camera as you are, naked and exposed. This is intrinsically empowering because it’s an exercise in vulnerability and self-acceptance.
Remember, the things that are hot when you’re horny aren’t always hot when you’re not horny. Don’t judge your nudes from a non-horny brain. Be fun and loose and silly and nasty and unfiltered and human. A nude photo becomes so much more when it communicates a feeling of freedom, intimacy, and vulnerability to the viewer.
In a highly iconic move, your TikTok handle was once @ana1princ3ss (and then @na1princ3ss when that got deleted), and, for this reason, a lot of your TikTok followers turn to you for information about anal. Do you have any tips for the best way to prepare for anal?
I had the best first experience with anal, and now I’ve done it hundreds of times — almost every day for the past three years. First, make sure you’re horny and that you’re doing it with someone you’re really comfortable with. That should always be the case, but especially with something as intimate as anal. In terms of tips for preparation, you’ll hear a lot about enemas and anal douches. I don’t do enemas because it wipes out the natural bacterial flora of your intestines [for a short period of time]. I do anal way too much for that. Also, that’s a very labor-intensive preparation, which I think takes away from the point of anal anyway — which is to be vulnerable using your poop hole. If they want a clean hole, they can use your vagina! Other people swear by anal douches, but if you talk to people who do anal a lot, many will tell you that shooting water up there oftentimes makes it messier. I stopped using an anal douche for this reason.
My favorite way to prepare is: 1) Listen to my body. I know when I have to poop. I don’t do it then. 2) This is counterintuitive, but first thing in the morning, before I have gotten out of bed, I always have clean anal. People always say, “But I always poop first thing in the morning!” Me too! But if you have anal before you even stand up, I swear it’s always clean! Insider trick. 3) Stick your finger up your butt beforehand and feel around. If it feels clear, you’re good to go! That’s what I always do. Luckily, I also have a partner who I can tell that it might be messy and he says, “I don’t care, let’s do it!” But I have also been with people who I didn’t want to risk a mess with — and that’s when prepping for anal can be really messy. It’s an exercise in self-exploration. Another good tip is don’t eat seeds a few days before — they are impossible to clean out of your butthole. Happy cleaning!
One thing you’ve talked about before on TikTok is the unrealistic nature of porn. What would you say to someone who feels this pressure to “look good” in bed?
If you look at the top porn videos on Pornhub right now, it’s real bodies and real people. I think there is a misconception that the best porn is made by big companies with highly produced shoots and pornstars with perfect, plastic, muscular bodies. That kind of porn can be hot. But I always tell people this: a high-production-value porn video by a major company may have 20 million views, but a 10-second shaky clip taken on an Android of a couple caught f*cking in their car gets 200 million views. People are drawn to the real thing. And that’s why amateur porn — shot by people in their own homes, with little to no production value — is so popular. Porn is hottest when the people look like us, when we can see their flaws, when we can see them looking disgusting, their makeup all messed up, spit everywhere. It’s also the hottest when no one is acting. When there are pauses, silence, giggles, tension, and intimacy. To be the best in bed, to be as good as the porn you like or better, you need to not act at all. You need to be yourself, getting f*cked, not pretending, not making noises to cut the tension of silence. You need to enjoy yourself and feel the feelings of your body, and you will be making art hotter than most of the porn out there.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.