17 Ways To Make Your Wedding Feel More Personal

Weddings can feel very copy-paste. Insert two people, a white dress and a tux, and a playlist featuring “September” for Grandma and “Mr. Brightside” for friends, and bam, marriage!

But it doesn’t have to be that way. While many couples opt for the traditional ceremony and reception format because “that’s just how it’s done,” there are plenty of ways to change things up. At the end of the day it’s your event. Shouldn’t it feel like you and your partner?

If anyone knows about reinventing nuptials, queer couples — and their planners — are experts. Plenty of straight traditions simply don’t work, such as the groom walking down the aisle first and the officiant granting permission to kiss the bride.

“LGBTQ+ couples have been trailblazing when it comes to reimagining wedding traditions, often out of necessity, but also with so much creativity and intentionality,” says Lara Mahler, founder of event-planning company The Privilege Is Mine. “A lot of norms get questioned, and what rises in their place is usually more personal, inclusive, and joyful.”

I’ve grown up in a world designed around straight people. When I married my wife in 2019 — just four years after same-sex marriage was fully legalized in the United States — I saw an opportunity to rethink what our celebration would look like. We decided to walk down the aisle together and simultaneously break the glass (a Jewish tradition historically performed by grooms alone).

Forget the patriarchy and gender binary: It’s your wedding, and you can create a more perfect world. If you’re queer and planning a wedding, take inspiration from the couples below. And if you’re straight, consider taking a fresher approach before you automatically step into the mold of ye olde heterosexual wedding — which is also fine if that’s your thing.

Get Personal

Ditch The Plain White Dress & Black Tux

Wedding photographer Rima Brindamour (who, full disclosure, shot my own), says that she often sees queer couples literally embracing the rainbow. “No hate on the all-white wedding aesthetic, but it’s always refreshing and energetic for everyone involved — guests included — to see some pops of color,” she says.

For example, my friend and her spouse got married in gorgeous pink and gold gowns. I’ve seen couples opt for jewel-toned tuxedos, black jumpsuits, and beautiful white gowns with colorful embroidery or beading. The most important thing is that you feel like yourself.

Skip Boring Cocktail Hours

Wedding planner Emily Monus loves how queer celebrations can play with form and function. For example, she once staged various portions of the day inspired by the couple’s love languages. She also had an event open with a live reading of a Golden Girls scene performed by the newlyweds’ friends.

There are plenty of ways to step outside the box: Morning person? Host a brunch wedding. Prefer gaming to dancing? Book an arcade. Not into sweets? Swap in a queso fountain with tortilla chips. Plan a flash mob, group sing-along, arts and crafts project, face-painting or body glitter station, custom crossword puzzle, or other activity to embrace your personality and creativity. It’s your day!

No “Prom Pose” Required

“It’s easy for photographers who primarily only work with straight couples to fall into using basic gender-normative poses,” Brindamour says. “My queer couples have inspired me to level up my posing game.”

Intentional tweaks pay off. “For example, some men are really silly and playful and would look extremely awkward standing tall with their chins sticking out and holding the inner edge of their suit jackets. Instead, I’ll [ask them to dance] while their partner giggles in the background.”

Re-Consider The Bachelorette

Do you really want a vacation with landfill-bound favors and a massive bill for the guests? You might opt for a joint local party with your partner and their closest pals “so it’s less about the last hurrah and more about a bash before the day with all your friends,” says Mahler.

Consider booking a private dining room at a restaurant, dancing until the club shuts down, hiring a company to organize a scavenger hunt, hosting a slumber party, or bringing in a private chef. If anatomy-shaped party favors aren’t your style, this is your chance to break the mold.

Give Back

Carry Puppies Down The Aisle

Bouquets are fine. But what if your wedding party carried adoptable puppies down the aisle instead? You’d save money on florals, boost awareness for rescue animals, and may even match a guest with their new best friend. Yes, this is a thing — really.

Pay It Forward

Your nuptials can be a chance to do good. Instead of offering party favors, consider donating to a cause you champion in your guests’ names.

Give Your Florals A Second Life

Can the flowers be donated the next day to brighten up a senior living facility, hospital, or shelter?

Go Green

“Go for upcycled or thrifted decor by sourcing vintage glassware, secondhand candles, and old books for more of a mismatched aesthetic,” says Mahler.

Eat Locally

If possible, work with a caterer who uses local and seasonal ingredients, and offer compost and recycling stations.

Put Your Money Where Your Heart Is

Why not use the occasion to support like-minded small businesses? Molly McAdoo and Brittany Neves Ward, co-founders of the event company Hurry Up and Have Fun, have seen couples hire entirely queer teams to put their money back into the community.

“There are so many incredible LGBTQ+ folks working in the wedding industry,” they say. “If you meet one, ask for recommendations in other vendor categories.”

Working with people you trust can be so beneficial when it’s midnight and you’re panic-texting about napkin folds.

Retire Outdated Norms

Include Bridespeople & Groomsfolk

Reconsider “rules” that encourage you to segregate and sort your loved ones by gender. Why should a bride’s brother have to stand on the groom’s side? Where does a nonbinary cousin go? What if the couple has a mutual best friend?

Just call these folks “the wedding party,” “wedding attendants,” “bridespeople,” or “groomsfolk,” instead of putting unnecessary restraints on who can be close to you and your partner.

Dress To Express

“We like to use the term ‘dress to express,’ which is a way to say wear whatever makes you feel comfortable, confident, and most like yourself,” say McAdoo and Ward. “We’ve seen and loved when guests are guided to dress in a theme.” Think Western chic, forest formal, disco divas, shades of green — whatever best represents you.

On invitations, try language like “For black-tie optional, we request you opt for a tuxedo, dark suit, or floor-length dress.”

Inclusivity goes for the wedding party too. Don’t force your favorite people to wear a dress if that’s not their style. If you’d like the group to look cohesive, request that they wear matching suits or adhere to a color palette.

De-Emphasize Gender

Inclusion can be as simple as a DJ not referring to guests as solely “ladies and gentlemen” or playing a song dedicated to “single ladies.”

Offer accessible, gender-neutral bathrooms, which may mean putting a sign on a restroom door to label it as such. (Yes, this is a fun opportunity for artwork.)

Make Thoughtful Accommodations

Weddings celebrate love. Share that love beyond your union by ensuring that every guest is comfortable and cared for.

Accommodations can include choosing an accessible venue, offering non-alcoholic drinks, and providing a sensory space for people who may need a break from the loud acoustics (such as a dedicated quiet room). If you’re not inviting children, consider offering child care at the hotel block.

Have Fun! Seriously

Raffle Off Honors

Another wedding Monus planned included a raffle midceremony, which included drawing names out of a hat to determine which guests would sign the wedding license.

“People were giddy over it,” she says. This couple also had a surprise break in their first dance song (Beyoncé, naturally) for a lip-sync battle with a surprise drag queen. Which leads me to…

Hire A Drag Artist

Drag makes everything better. Performers can lip-sync and dance, sing, do aerial acts, or even officiate the ceremony. “It’s a fun surprise to entertain, hype up guests, and engage people in a culture and a performance style they may otherwise have never experienced before,” say McAdoo and Ward.

Drag queens and kings often work for cash tips, which guests may not have on them. Task a fun cousin with passing out dollar bills.

As Brindamour points out, injecting a dose of personality into old traditions is always a good thing. “[Clients] have a little fun and feel like themselves,” she says.

Isn’t that the way it should be?