My Boyfriend & My Friends Don't Get Along. Do I Have To Choose Between Them?

Q: I recently started dating a guy who I really like. He’s kind, he loves me, we have so much fun together. The problem is my friends. I feel like they don’t really like him, and when I’ve tried to get everyone together, it’s awkward. I think he knows that they aren’t huge fans of his, so he’s not that interested in hanging out with them anymore, which I honestly get. And really, I haven’t been hanging out with them as much either because the topic of him always comes up.

I don’t want to be a bad friend, but I feel like they want me to choose them over him. They’ve said before that they feel I only do stuff with my boyfriend, which is maybe why they don’t like him? But I think it’s normal to be super into your partner in the beginning. I like how into each other we are! I don’t think it’s a bad thing! But I also don’t want to lose my friends over this.

You can change with a partner, but don’t change for a partner.

A: I’ve got to be honest with you: I think there’s a reason your friends aren’t thrilled by your boyfriend, and I think you should care about it. Your friends are, ostensibly, the people who know you best, love you best, and want good things for you. (If your friend group does not contain people like that, you have a different problem on your hands!) Friends don’t get to dictate your love life, but you should be incredibly curious as to why they aren’t on board.

Time is love. How you spend your time is indicative of whom and what you love. Not spending time with people does mean something. My guess is that either your friends don’t like how you allow your boyfriend to treat you and believe you deserve better, and/or they feel you’ve changed for him.

Sophia, you might be thinking, doesn’t everyone change when they get in a new relationship? Well, no. Not really. The project of life is finding people who will love you how you show up. Yes, people grow and shift, but on your terms and over time. Not for the sake of someone named Todd who just came into your life in February.

A simple rule of thumb: You can change with a partner, but don’t change for a partner.

Have you skipped out on Thursday margaritas to cuddle on the couch with this guy for the 16th night in a row?

I suspect you’ve been doing a lot of adjusting for your boyfriend. I bet you’re doing it to demonstrate just how much you love him and are willing to do for him — lovely! But I wonder how much he’s been making similar adjustments for you. Furthermore, I wonder how much of the changes you’ve been making aren’t just kind accommodations, but rather more fundamental value shifts. That dynamic is a real bummer to watch as a friend.

I’ve seen it. Recently, a friend dated a sh*tty guy who never made any effort to be part of her life. He didn’t ever put himself in any uncomfortable situations for her sake; meanwhile, she was bending over backward to fit into his life. She would never go out with our friends because she didn’t want to spend money, but then she’d go out with his friends to watch a sport we all knew she (pre-boyfriend) hated and plan trips with them.

And then, when he was out of town or unavailable, she’d come back around and expect to slot right back into our friend group as if nothing had changed. Eventually, the two of them broke up — bless us! — and she is back to girls’ nights and friend trips. But we were honest with her about how much it hurt to be dropped for a guy, especially one who wasn’t great to her. (There were lots of tears.) It took all of us time to rebuild the natural ease and intimacy we’d once had.

Does any of this ring true to you? Have you skipped out on Thursday margaritas to cuddle on the couch with this guy for the 16th night in a row? Do you prioritize hanging out with his friends simply because he’ll sulk around yours? Have you picked up his hobbies and interests more than he’s tried to invest in yours? Have you been making sure that your boyfriend never has to feel a moment’s discomfort?

He should want to be part of your life.

Because guess what? He should want to be part of your life. He should not want you to change. You should not want to abandon parts of your life for a relationship. Not only is it unhealthy, isolating, and insulting to the people you leave behind, but it doesn’t work. I don’t know anyone who put all their eggs in a relationship basket and is happy about it years later.

When you’re ready to hear the truth, I would strongly advise you to talk to your friends without your boyfriend present. Ask them what they think about him and why they have concerns. It’s probably going to make you feel defensive. I urge you to sit with that feeling rather than expressing it immediately. Listen closely. Allow for nuance.

Moments of knee-jerk defensiveness are usually good indicators of what you care about and what you’re afraid of — like how you come across to others or what you’re worried about losing. Your friends may not be right about everything — they aren’t in your relationship — but they’re probably able to see some broad strokes and patterns. Give them the same benefit of the doubt that you’re giving your boyfriend.

Beyond that: Show up for your friends. I don’t care if the guy comes or doesn’t come. If this relationship is as good as you say, seeing your friends could not possibly change it. In the words of Beyoncé, “Nothing real can be threatened.” Keep your life as full as it was before this guy came along. He should want that as much as you do; that should be natural and desirable to you both.

Please remember how Romeo and Juliet ends. A love that consumes you isn’t actually romantic; it’s tragic. You cannot make one person (no matter how hot and fun and “kind” they are) your whole life. Yes, new relationships are fun, they need to add to your life — not take you away from it.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.