The Complicated Rise Of The Obedient Girlfriend

In an early episode of Gilmore Girls, called “That Damn Donna Reed,” Rory goes from mocking the 1950s-era housewife to embracing her. After hearing that her then-boyfriend Dean likes the idea of a wife preparing a home-cooked meal for her husband, she ditches the cynicism, dresses in mid-century garb (apron included), and invites him over for steak dinner. That episode aired in 2001 — and now, 25 years later, it seems like some of Gen Z is following Rory’s lead.

A recent global study of 23,000 people found that 31% of Gen Z men and 18% of Gen Z women believe that a wife should always obey her husband, marking a dramatic shift back to traditional gender roles. Among Baby Boomers, only 13% of men and 6% of women agree.

Though you might expect older generations to have more conservative views, Gen Z’s shift can partly be explained by social media. TikTok is their playground — and that’s where tradwives and feminine energy connoisseurs thrive.

Look past the viral sourdough recipes and midday workout classes, and you’ll find the same ol’ traditional gender roles that got Dean’s heart all aflutter. They’ve just been updated and repackaged for a new era — now, there’s a lot more nuance and agency baked in. For some, it’s rooted in faith, but for others, it’s solely about trust and respect.

As Maureen, a 22-year-old app founder, puts it, “It's not that I would submit to any man. I'm submitting to my man — the specific person that I vetted, chose, and deeply respect.”

Below, Bustle spoke with three women whose definition of #relationshipgoals involves obeying their male partners.

Maureen, a 22-year-old app founder in the Washington, D.C., area

When I was dating, I had such high standards. I was ruthless with breaking up with guys at the slightest inconvenience. One guy told me, “I expect you to listen to everything I say,” and I ran the other way. Submission is something you earn, not something to expect. I purposely chose a man who I look up to as a leader, someone who’s more competent than me in a lot of areas.

Niklavs, my husband, has never said that submission is what he wants. But when a woman's with the right man, submission isn't a debate. It's a natural response to feeling safe, loved, and genuinely led. In our year and a half together, we haven’t been in any arguments. If I were to disagree with something, we’d just talk about it.

It's a unique relationship because I'm a woman who’s built a six-figure company, a marketing agency where I had multiple employees and so many clients. I lead people all the time. The last thing I want to do is lead in my relationship. That's just so much work.

If you're with a man that you don't trust enough to follow, that's not a submission problem. That's a man problem.

Niklavs and I are co-founders of Alora, an app that helps women stop overthinking in relationships. We were co-founders before we got together — the first time we met, he actually told me he wanted to work together. He specializes in coding and technology, and owns 51% of the company, since he’d already spent hundreds of hours building it when I came on. I specialize in marketing, personal branding, and creative ideas, and own 49%.

He works 12 hours a day and crushes it. I work about two. Because he works so hard, I'm like, "I want you to make more decisions than I do because you're literally putting in more hours."

When I come home, I'm not a CEO anymore. He's booking massages for me. He's getting me flowers. He’s carrying my luggage — all the traditional masculine stuff. I cook but that’s because I love it. Before he met me, he drank meal replacement powder for seven years. But now, he’s buying me organic overpriced groceries. If you're with a man that you don't trust enough to follow, that's not a submission problem. That's a man problem.

Kim, a 27-year-old Pilates instructor and author in Staten Island, New York

In the past, I was with very alpha, toxic men who put on a front, but when it came down to it, I'm like, "You're not worthy of a woman's submission. You're just a boy." What I really wanted in a husband was vulnerability, emotional security, and maturity.

I got married in 2024. I don't think my husband, Frank, has ever made a decision that I was frustrated with. I trust that I married a man who has a good head on his shoulders, and who loves and respects me enough to make decisions in our best interest. He’s not just walking into a situation blind with his own selfish ambition. He prays, reads scripture, and seeks counsel. If we’re both following God, we’re going to be on the same page.

For example, he's a D1 golf coach, and the incoming coach that was going to take over next year just backed out. He was asking me, "Should I just do another year?" I was like, "This is a hard no for me. You'd be traveling so much. But ultimately this is your decision, and I respect and support whatever you choose.”

He loved that I said that, and said he needed to hear it because it confirmed what he was already thinking. Now, he’s trying to work out if he can take on a different role on the team. Whatever happens, I'll find a way to just be like, "All right, this is the decision. How do we move forward?”

“A lot of younger women are questioning, ‘What if I don’t want to be a boss babe?’”

In the Christian worldview, we have the Trinity: the Father, Son, and Spirit in one God. They're all equally in submission to each other. In a biblical marriage, there is no hierarchy. Men and women are equal.

I think that’s appealing to a lot of young women right now, who are questioning, "What if I don't want to be a boss babe?" It’s a pendulum, and we’re on the downswing, heading toward conservatism. I get a little nervous about hyper-conservatism. Hopefully, we balance ourselves out, because extremes on either end are not good. I hope we can find a middle ground where men don't abuse their power and women know that they have a choice.

Words like “obey” and “submit” sound a lot scarier than they actually are.

When you find the right man, your true feminine comes out, and you can melt into that and think, "What do I want to do? What gives me joy?” For me, I still work. I'm a Pilates instructor and I do social media. I have a book about women's health from a faith-based perspective called Holy & Hormonal coming out in August. I'm not just at home making sourdough.

Words like “obey” and “submit” sound a lot scarier than they actually are. It's not that your wife is supposed to be silent and subordinate. I'm very much a voice in this house, if not the loudest.

Zahmia, a 24-year-old home health aide in Cleveland, Ohio

I’m in a courtship. I made the first move. Kevin* assumed I was dating his brother (we’re close friends), so it actually took a lot for me to express my interest. At that point, I had observed him for weeks. I knew he’s a leader, he’s confident, and he’s considerate of others.

There's a difference between dating a controlling man and dating a man who is there to guide and protect you. I always throw out little testers to see if a man is going to take the power and run with it. I love to say, “Yes, sir.” That’s the beginning of my submission. It gives me such a thrill. I want to see if he’ll feel like, “Oh yeah, I’m the man, big ego,” or if it’s going to be a confident, subtle, “I like that.”

The biggest thing is to never submit too fast but always let the man lead. If I ever heard a man say that he was looking for a “submissive woman,” I'd run.

I’ve been with men who were dominant across the board, and men who were completely dominant relationship-wise but then wanted to be more submissive in the bedroom. Some wanted to play both sides. I would rather have a man who is more dominant in the bedroom but still allows me to take charge sometimes. I like taking direction, not orders.

It takes a very strong woman to submit to a man.

Just as you submit to your husband, your husband should also value your input. He is there to act in your best interest, not to make decisions that could potentially hurt you or harm the relationship. If he ever breaks that trust, you have to stand up and be like, "This is not going to happen." You have to be able to have that conversation or leave. You can't just allow someone to run over you.

People think being submissive means being weak, but I think it takes a very strong woman to submit to a man. Sometimes you do have to sit back and allow him to take the reins when you might not want to, but you know it's what's best.

A few weeks ago, I was at church on Sunday. At the end of service, all the ladies stay around to chat and take off their heels before we go out to dinner. The week before, my boyfriend told me to bring flats. I obeyed, but the flats still weren't comfortable, so I told him I was going to go home and change. He said, "Don't."

At first, I was disappointed. I asked, "Really, can I at least change my shoes?" He told me that I could, but encouraged me not to. I was confused, but I allowed it. When we got to the restaurant, he came over to help me out of the car, and he surprised me with Crocs that matched my outfit. A day earlier, I’d told him I wanted them.

That’s an example of blindly trusting that your partner has your best interests at heart, and then getting a reward for submitting.

* Name has been changed.

These interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.