25 Things Toxic Moms Might Say, According To Experts

While it might not be immediately obvious that your mom is toxic, experts say there are key phrases and go-to comments that’ll give her away. Things like “Why won’t you grow up?” or “I never said that” might ring a bell, and it’s important to recognize what it all means.

Not everyone is perfect 24/7, but there’s a good chance your mom is toxic if she consistently makes you feel bad about yourself and your choices, says Elliot Pinsly, LMSW, a licensed clinical social worker. Whether it’s intentional or subconscious, “a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered,” he tells Bustle. And over time, it can impact not only your relationship but how you feel about yourself.

Even if you can’t readily spot toxic treatment coming from your mom — it’s easy to overlook it, especially if it’s been happening forever — it might be the case if you feel depressed, unsupported, or alone. The same is true if your mom has no boundaries, another thing you can spot based on how she speaks to you.

While toxic relationship dynamics are draining, they’re especially biting when they stem from a family member. It can be tough to know what to do, but if you spot the signs, you may want to pull back in your relationship, call less often as a way to protect yourself, or have a firm chat about boundaries.

If your mom’s toxicity is unfixable and unbearable, there’s also no shame in moving further away or even going no-contact, which means you stop speaking altogether. In any case, it’ll help to reach out to a therapist, mentor, or friend for support. To learn the signs, here are 25 things many toxic moms say, according to experts.

Things Toxic Moms Say

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

Toxic moms rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead of apologizing or working to fix a problem that she created, she might get angry and demand that you get over it.

According to professional counselor Rachel M. Abrman, MA, LPC, this type of comment is hurtful because it leads you to question whether your feelings are accepted or respected. This response is also incredibly invalidating and frustrating, especially when you want to have a mature conversation.

“You’re just like your grandmother.”

Is your mom constantly comparing you to a difficult or unsavory family member, like a cranky uncle or a dramatic grandmother, especially when you fight or disagree? If so, she’s likely trying to deflect blame away from herself or manipulate you into thinking you’re the one with the problem instead of her, says Pinsly. By comparing you to someone with grisly personality traits, she’s likely hoping to make it seem like you’re the bad guy — and that’s not fair or OK.

“I never said that!”

If your mom predictably yells “I never said that!” whenever you bring up one of her hurtful comments from the past, consider it a sign of toxicity. According to Pinsly, toxic moms love to gaslight their children by insisting they never said something, even when you’re 100% sure they did.

Has she denied that she called you a name? Does she swear up and down that she never told you to drop out of school? If so, “the goal is to make you question your reality and shift blame,” he says. It’s a sneaky trick many manipulators use to get people to stop questioning them, and it can be incredibly frustrating.

“You need to grow up.”

If you try to vent to your mom about something stressful, like a tiring job or a tedious chore, you might not expect her to say, “Oh, grow up,” but with toxic moms, this statement is par for the course. It’s a way to shut down a conversation, especially one she doesn’t want to have, and it also invalidates your feelings.

“This is all your fault!”

If toxic moms love anything, it’s pointing fingers. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Sara Stanizai, LCSW, it’s common for toxic moms to blame their kids for their own mistakes and bad decisions. "This puts [you] in the position of being responsible for [her], when really it should be the other way around,” she says. If things go wrong and your mom blames you, all signs point to toxicity.

According to Jessica Bloom, LCPC, RPT-S, a therapist and owner of In Bloom Counseling, toxic moms also like to say things like “You’re making me act this way” or “You’re the one who made me upset.” This is a go-to tactic that shifts the blame from her to you, and it also implies that if you had only acted better you wouldn’t be fighting. It isn’t fair at all.

“Okay, well I guess I’m just a bad mom then.”

According to Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, ATR-BC, a licensed marriage and family therapist, this comment is so common coming from toxic parents that you might not even register it anymore. It might stem from her issue with black-and-white thinking or her lack of desire to have a conversation that’s anything other than 100% pleasant, and that can impact your connection.

Toxic parents tend to feel attacked quite easily, even when they’re being approached gently. In this case, this knee-jerk comment could also stem from the toxic relationship she had with her mom, but that doesn’t make it OK.

“Don’t tell your dad...”

Secret keeping is another toxic mom red flag, says Stanizai. By asking you to keep a secret from your other parent or siblings, it creates an unfair dynamic and an unhealthy amount of pressure. If your mom asks you to lie for her, try pointing it out or saying no to the request. Hopefully she'll realize that it's inappropriate to put you in the middle of her problems.

“Why didn’t you do better?”

Your mom should be your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest critic. If you’re constantly wondering, “Why is my mom never proud of me?” or “Why does my mom want me to be someone I’m not?” it may be time to step back and reevaluate your relationship, says Stanizai.

It’s possible your mom started this toxic behavior when you were in high school or college, but it’s not uncommon for it to continue into adulthood as you share career and other life milestones with her. When a parent negatively reacts to big moments, it can really hurt.

“Where were you last night?”

According to clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., things can get toxic fast when a mom refuses to accept that her kids are autonomous adults who can make their own decisions. While a parent is always a parent for life, you have to draw the line somewhere — and that’s something many toxic moms struggle with.

A toxic mom might call at all hours, demand to know where you are, or panic if you don’t answer the phone on the first ring. (She might even spy on you on Find My iPhone and call to ask where you are.)

According to psychologist Dr. Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW, if this is true, chances are your mom had a bad case of "helicopter parenting” when you were younger, and it’s morphed into clingy behavior now that you’re grown.

Demanding to know where you are is toxic because it stops you from becoming your own person, she tells Bustle. It’s important to spread your proverbial wings and create your own life, but with a toxic mom, it can be difficult.

“Why don’t you ever hang out with me?”

While on the subject of boundaries, consider if your mom has ever guilt-tripped you for seeing your friends or partner instead of stopping by to see her. It’s one thing to be bummed that you weren’t able to visit but something else entirely if she cries or lashes out because of it. In fact, this even has a name: enmeshment.

"Enmeshment is when your mom has difficulty allowing you to have your own life outside of her," Forshee says. It might be extra noticeable around big events, like holidays or birthdays. Regardless of your closeness, you should be allowed to have your own social space and schedule. If she can't accept that, it may be something to unpack with a therapist.

“So last night in bed...”

Take note if your mom is a big fan of oversharing. While everyone has a different comfort level with their parents, and some are able to laugh and talk about saucy experiences without negative consequences, experts say it’s a red flag if your mom calls and shares all the nitty gritty details of her dating life.

If you’re getting "cool mom" vibes (hey, Amy Poehler) and don’t like it, it’s OK to set a boundary by letting her know that you love her and enjoy talking about certain topics, but that some go a touch too far. Putting that boundary in place should help mend your mother-daughter relationship.

“You’re my best friend.”

Again, there is nothing wrong with being close to your mom, but take note if she seems to lean on you too heavily. "Instead of a mom developing her own friends and support network, [a toxic mom will rely on you] to fulfill these needs,” says therapist Julie Williamson, LPC.

Cut to her calling late at night, expecting you to reply to her texts immediately, or expecting you to help her 24/7. It can be exhausting, and it’s also not a role you’re required to fill. If it seems like your mom’s entire life centers around you, encourage her to get out and meet new people. It’ll be good for both of you!

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Here’s another dismissive, toxic remark. “Whenever someone says this, it’s a form of pseudo-apologizing that doesn’t address the heart of the hurt feeling,” says Bloom. “This can be done as a way to quickly end conflict but doesn’t demonstrate taking responsibility for their actions.”

A toxic mom might also say “I’m sorry you got so upset” instead of saying something like, “I apologize that my words upset you.” Hear the difference?

“You should break up with them!”

Since she’s on the outside looking in, you might want to listen to your mom if she says your partner is toxic or not a good match. But beyond the occasional caring comment, she doesn’t have a right to demand you break up with someone. According to Klapow, toxic moms tend to poke and prod and offer advice as a way to overstep your boundaries, and it’s not something you have to put up with.

Some toxic moms also struggle with becoming “second best” after their child enters a relationship. If it feels like your mom wants you to prioritize your relationship with her over your romantic connection, it’s a red flag.

“You’re so dumb sometimes.”

This one might seem obvious in its toxicity, but for a lot of people, it can be tough to tell when insults are actually harmful — and not just playful fun. As Klapow says, a parent who scolds or verbally berates you is 100% toxic, even if they try to pass it off as a joke.

It can also blur the line between annoying parent behavior and an actual problem. “It becomes emotional abuse when there is character assassination or put-downs that continue despite your attempts at communicating how it affects you,” Forshee adds. If it feels like your mom is attacking you as a person, trust that your feelings are valid.

“You are way too sensitive.”

Similarly, toxic moms love to tell their kids that they’re being “too sensitive.” This comment immediately shuts down any hope of a civil conversation, and it’s also something they can hurl at you when they don’t know what else to say.

In fact, therapist Dawn Friedman, MS.Ed says this can even be a sign of gaslighting. “In healthy relationships, people will listen to you when you have a problem with the way they’re communicating,” she says.

On the flip side, toxic moms like to control the narrative, and one way to do that is by claiming you’re overreacting or being ridiculous. Just like that, she can brush you off and shut you down as nothing more than a hysterical nuisance.

“Well nobody else has a problem with it!”

Take note if your mom claims her actions are fine and normal because “no one else has a problem with them” or “everyone else says I’m great.” According to Friedman, a good parent will care about your individual experience, even if it’s perceived to be singular. Not to mention, this kind of comment is almost always an excuse for a toxic mom to get off the hook for rude behavior.

“Why can’t you just be more like your sister?”

Comparing siblings — whether the comparison compliments you or throws you or a sibling under the bus — is a way to pit you against your other family members, says Friedman, and it’s a sign of manipulation.

These comments are meant to contribute to “toxic gossip dynamics” that cause issues in your family. That way, you might be more likely to take her side or apologize to her, which can feel icky. Of course, at its most basic, this comment can also hurt your self-esteem, especially if your mom compares your appearance, success, or intelligence to a sibling.

“I gave you everything!”

Even though your mom “put a roof over your head,” it doesn’t automatically mean your childhood was perfect or that you don’t have a right to discuss problems from the past. “She may have literally been there for you in some ways, but not in the ways you have needed,” Pinsly says, and it’s crucial not to mix up the two.

This comment is meant to make you feel guilty so that you drop whatever it is you’re trying to talk about. That way, she won’t have to admit she messed up or sit and listen as you call out her flaws.

“Why do you always make everything about you?”

This comment is pure projection, says Pinsly, and it’s important to see it that way. If your mom is constantly claiming that you make everything about you, or that you turn everything into an argument, chances are that’s what she’s doing — even though she likely isn’t capable of seeing it that way. “Children of toxic parents are often scapegoated [and] blamed for their parents’ own behaviors,” says Pinsly, and it can create quite a rocky dynamic.

“Ugh...”

Sometimes toxic comments go beyond words. If your mom ever lets out a long sigh or a guttural noise when you try to talk to her, it could be her way of shutting you down or brushing you off. If it happens regularly, it can start to feel quite toxic.

The same is true if she scoffs and then gives you the silent treatment. The toxicity stems from the bad energy, the discomfort this type of sound creates, and the fact that she isn’t using her words to properly express how she feels, leaving you to do the apologizing or guessing.

“How do you expect to find a husband?”

According to Topsie VandenBosch, LMSW, a licensed psychotherapist, this question is a fave amongst toxic moms. It might come out as a form of body-shaming, where she comments on your appearance, but she also might knock your personality or skills.

Not only is it toxic to imply that you’re unlovable or that you’re only worthy if you find a partner, but rude comments about how you look can obviously be a big hit to your self-esteem.

A truly toxic mom won’t stop at romantic relationships, either. According to therapist Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, she might imply that your looks or personality is pushing away friends or opportunities for work. She might say something like, “Wow, I hope you don’t act/dress that way in public.”

Not only do comments like these imply that you’re flawed, but they also teach you to hold back and hide yourself. As Goldberg says, “It may create fear or anxiety around being authentic and open with others, leading to difficulties in social interactions and emotional well-being.”

“I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you repay me?”

“These types of comments are what I would call ‘guilt-tripping’ and can result in a person feeling like they are eternally indebted to their parents just for simply being born,” says VandenBosch. Your mom might blurt this out if she believes you’re criticizing her or implying she did something wrong.

She also might wield it if she’s trying to get her way. How could you say no when she birthed, fed, and clothed you? There’s no talking to someone who feels this way, as any reply will further prove to them that you’re ungrateful.

“I don’t know why I bother giving you advice. You just do what you want anyway.”

This one will have you rubbing your temples for sure. According to VandenBosch, insensitive comments about your ability to make your own choices can fill you with self-doubt.

It can also imply that you need to take your mom’s advice 24/7, which obviously isn’t true. Even if she doesn’t mean to sound so rude, these types of comments can quickly drive a wedge between you.

“I don’t remember that happening...”

Brace yourself if you ever try to talk to your mom about something that casts her in a bad light. According to therapist Audrey Schoen, LMFT, toxic moms love to misremember things, whether it’s something that happened a week ago or ten years in the past.

“This one can come in many forms,” she tells Bustle. Your mom might say she doesn’t remember saying something hurtful or claim that you’re misremembering a situation because “she’d never do such a thing.”

The goal, of course, with a comment like this is to give herself the moral high ground. “[A toxic mom] can do no wrong,” says Schoen, so don’t be surprised if you struggle to talk to her without it dissolving into an argument.

The Takeaway

Having a toxic relationship doesn't mean you need to cut your mom out of your life immediately, but it is important to recognize how her words impact you. If any of these phrases sound familiar, take it as a sign that something’s off.

If it feels like you can’t be yourself, share your thoughts, or have a civil conversation, chances are your mom is toxic and you’ll want to establish boundaries, chat with a therapist, or speak to her less often — for your own peace of mind.

Studies referenced:

Fosco, GM. 2014. Interparental Boundary Problems, Parent-Adolescent Hostility, and Adolescent-Parent Hostility: A Family Process Model for Adolescent Aggression Problems. Couple Family Psychol. doi: 10.1037/cfp0000025.

Kong, J. 2018. Effect of Caring for an Abusive Parent on Mental Health: The Mediating Role of Self-Esteem. Gerontologist. doi: 10.1093/geront/gnx053.

Sources:

Elliot Pinsly, LMSW, licensed clinical social worker

Rachel M Abrman, MA, LPC ,licensed professional counselor

Danielle Forshee, PsyD, LCSW

Julie Williamson, LPC

Sara Stanizai, LCSW

Joshua Klapow, PhD

Dawn Friedman, MS.Ed

Topsie VandenBosch, LMSW, licensed psychotherapist

Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, therapist

This article was originally published on June 13, 2018