Stop “Maxxing.” Half-Assing Rocks.

Everywhere I look, I’m being told to optimize myself. If I want to build muscle I have to proteinmaxx, but if I want to have a truly balanced diet I better try fibermaxxing. If I have a skin care routine and want to “out-mog” everyone around me, the answer is looksmaxxing. And quite frankly, I’m over all of it to the maximum degree.

What happened to the beauty that is half-assing everything?

Look, I wouldn’t consider myself a lazy girl by any means. I live and die by my to-do lists. I am a creature of habit and find genuine joy in my multi-step nighttime routine (if I don’t put hand lotion on right before getting into bed, I’m not hitting REM sleep). If I don’t exercise five days a week, I feel feral.

The sheer fact that I keep going deserves a pat on the back.

But I’m also a lollygagger. A self-proclaimed procrastinator. I’ll put off my laundry until I’m on my last pair of ill-fitting jeans. I’ve been known to wipe every surface of my apartment clean with napkins because I simply didn’t feel like going to the store to grab a roll of paper towels. The only thing I was maximizing this past winter, New York’s coldest in 11 years, was my coziness. I basically spent three months cosplaying as Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory when he refused to leave the bed.

As a Taurus, I’m notoriously impatient. If something — a new supplement or brand of high-protein Greek yogurt — doesn’t improve my life in some way upon first use, I’m kind of over it. That very next morning after swiping a new eyebrow serum across my arches, I better notice some fresh hairs that surely weren’t there eight hours prior. Earth is going to be swallowed by the sun in 7.5 billion years and I’m supposed to wait more than a couple weeks for my collagen to actually kick in? Yeah, right.

Sure, productivity feels really good! But when I start buying into the idea that I need to make a daily effort to solve some aspect of my life that probably isn’t all that bad to begin with, I spiral. I’m doing the best I can already, and that barometer changes daily, but the sheer fact that I keep going deserves a pat on the back.

That’s why half-assing is the way to go. If your LED therapy mask doesn’t make you feel supple and glowy after a couple uses, let it collect dust on your shelf. Your secret’s safe with me. (My red light mask has been sitting in a basket, uncharged, for probably six weeks now.)

Free yourself from going all or nothing. Do you really want to be the friend who doesn’t partake in the table pancake at brunch because it doesn’t fit into your proteinmaxxing goals? Are you actually going to beat yourself up for falling asleep with your makeup on after a fun night out because that throws a wrench in your looksmaxxing routine?

The only “Max” I have time for is Max Greenfield when he graces our TV screens again for White Lotus Season 4. And when that’s finally available for streaming? I’m not even going to marathon it. I’ll probably half-ass watching that too.