You Narrowly Escaped Arrest In Bolivia? Wow, Swoon

Swipe on Hinge long enough and you’ll discover a bizarre pattern: Men love to humble-brag about evading chaos, arrest, or even death in foreign countries. As one says, “Hiked to [a] remote Indian village where foreigners weren’t permitted to touch anything. Events became alarming, we fled, and spent [the] night hiding in the forest high up on the Himalayan mountainside.” One apparently faced a wild boar in Kauai; another claims to have made an emergency landing on Pablo Escobar’s private runway in Colombia.

These James Bond-meets-Eat Pray Love fantasies are typically responses to Hinge’s “best travel story” prompt. The tales are intended to stand out, but ironically, the app has become a blur of dudes who were nearly kidnapped in Bratislava and Korea. (I spotted these two within minutes of each other.)

Although these stories convey a sense of adventure, they also reveal insecurities about masculinity and a misunderstanding of what most women want. There’s an ick factor about mostly white, upper-middle-class guys trying to woo dates by bragging about wreaking havoc in Asia and South America.

To learn more, I embarked on a dangerous voyage of my own — asking the guys of Hinge what’s really going on.

Welcome To The Mojo Dojo Casa House

Nothing says you’re a big, strong man like cliff-diving in Thailand with two broken ribs after surviving a motorbike crash, not bothering to seek out medical assistance, and then cavalierly relaying the details to a Hinge match in a message that ends with “hahaha.” Right, Dave?*

For this piece, I swiped right on men who feature wild travel stories in their profiles. If we matched, I told them I was a journalist working on a story. I only spoke to men who date women because straight guys typically face more competition on apps than other demos, prompting some to go to great heights (say, the Himalayas) to stand out.

“A lot of times, men are like, ‘OK, I’m smart, I have a good job, I’m stable, but I’m still not getting the connections that I’m looking for,’” says Nick Notas, a dating coach for men. “So, they want to sound confident or exciting or masculine — qualities that I think they feel women really want to see in them. In guys’ heads, these stories seem like a good way to express that side of themselves.”

Few people I spoke with admitted to being that strategic. Instead, they said they wanted to stand out, look adventurous, or — in the case of Ivan, 39, who swam with sharks in South Africa “WITHOUT a cage” — share an experience they’re proud of. “I still can’t believe I did that,” he said.

Of course, #NotAllMen. For every guy who spent 36 hours lost in frigid Patagonia, a dozen more just want to talk about Seinfeld or their dog. (Don’t worry, that stranded backpacker told me he regained feeling in his toes a year later.)

But gender expression sometimes does play an overt role. I asked the guy who “almost got arrested in the Atlas Mountains but got out of it by *vibing* about Bollywood movies with the Moroccan policeman” to tell me more about the incident. I was expecting some charming anecdotes about the beauty of male bonding, perhaps with a side of breaking into song.

Instead, the 32-year-old (who lists his job as “b*tch at music/tech”) said, “I may or may not have offended the policeman’s masculinity. You know, as one does. The dude was pretty short and when he first tried to stop me from walking away by grabbing my shoulder, I just shrugged him off in full view of a train full of passengers. He was mildly unhappy after that.”

I asked what he thought was attractive about this story. The Bollywood fan said it implies “a sense of adventure, humor, an ability to roll with the unexpected complications of traveling.” Unfortunately, women don’t ask about it much. “It’s my one funny story,” he said. “I need it to get more airtime.”

But Wait, Did That Really Happen?

The pressure to stand out can lead to an inflation of the truth. One Hinge user claims he was kicked out of and banned from [redacted Eastern European country], though technically, he wasn’t — he just needs to pay a speeding ticket if he ever goes back.

Another tells the story of his favorite bar in Munich being belatedly blown up by a World War II-era bomb, but the explosion actually happened a month after he left Germany. “For further context,” he explained, “the bar was a favorite hangout for middle-aged lonely alcoholics” where regular servers included “a toothless older woman who liked to bring us shots of cherry liquor with our beer.” While these details are certainly vibrant, visiting a colorful bar is not the same as being colorful yourself.

“Don’t let me generalize, but men are a little bit more likely to grasp an opportunity to show a more interesting side of themselves,” Notas says. “I think a lot of women are more self-reflective and would probably be like, ‘That’s not fully true, so that sounds kind of lame.’”

The Chaos Might Backfire

It would make sense that people who share these types of travel stories are seeking similarly adventurous partners, but that isn’t always the case. For example, I found Micah*’s response to be particularly dramatic: “Being held up at a karaoke bar in Shanghai with my cousin by gangsters because they overcharged us on food/drinks we didn’t order.”

But when I asked if he was hoping to convey a bad*ss vibe, he shot me down. “I never cared about the bad boy stuff. If that’s what a girl looks for, then we won’t make it past a first date,” he said.

I was surprised. Did he think a story about gangsters would attract someone looking for a sweet, sensitive man to join her knitting circle?

Meanwhile, Alex, 34, “got kicked out of a hostel in Madrid for attempting to stage a coup by starting a free bar crawl to compete with theirs and save everyone €20.” Although the full story is too long to relay here, he did mention he “got hammered” on tequila alone in the street because he’s “a method actor.”

Alex wants a serious relationship but recognizes his profile won’t be attractive to everyone. “That [story is] me putting my best foot forward, I guess,” he said. “But I don’t know who the f*ck would like that.”

That’s fine by him — as he puts it, “you just need to detract everybody but one person.” He’s seeking a woman who shares his sense of humor.

For people less committed to the bit, these travel stories might be a problem. “I don’t think a woman who’s ready to settle down inherently is like, ‘Oh wow, you started a coup. This is perfect for starting a family,’” Notas says.

What Guys Should Do Instead

Rather than moonlighting as Indiana Jones, the dating coach encourages his clients to show, not tell.

“If you’re an outdoors person, rather than telling your exaggerated story, you can be like, ‘I really love sitting on top of a trail and looking out into the distance,’ or, ‘There’s nothing like roasting s’mores on a campfire with my buddies,’” Notas says.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

However, If Your Type Is James Bond…

Here are some gems from other gentlemen I encountered:

• “Running through a Thai airport with my name being yelled over the loudspeaker.”
• “Ask me how seeing the Northern Lights led me to *almost* be arrested in Norway.”
• “After my application to Bolivia was rejected, a kind border guard snuck me in (and back out) on his motorcycle so I could access an ATM.”
• “Impromptu long weekend in Iraq. Entered by land via Syria and Turkey.”
• “I injured my foot on volcanic fallout deep in the Icelandic wilderness and had to limp 50 miles back to civilization.”
• “Walked hours across fields to cross the border from Romania to Serbia. We were the only pedestrians at the border crossing surrounded by trucks…”
• “Taking on an extreme hike in Ecuador solo, almost died, and ended up with terrible altitude sickness.”
• “I once got locked out of my Italian Airbnb in a thunderstorm and had to scale the cottage next door to find a spare key.”
• “Getting lost alone at 3:30 a.m. in Croatia without a phone or wallet 3.5 hours before my boat left for another city.”
• “Getting extradited from Italy and deciding to hide in Dublin until THEY eventually kicked me out.”

Let me know if you’d like to be put in touch.

Expert:

Nick Notas, dating coach

*Name has been changed.