No matter how much you love your partner, no matter how compatible you seem,
sharing a bed with someone else can be a real struggle. It can really take away from the romance when, after a few nights together, you're both so sleep-deprived you can hardly see straight. Figuring out why you can’t fall asleep with your partner is a must if you want to avoid the very grumpy late night tossing and turning.
"If you have slept in your own bed your entire life, sleeping with someone else in the same bed is a huge deviation from what you are accustomed to, so your body naturally wants to fight it," says
Bill Fish, a certified sleep science coach and co-founder of sleep product research company Tuck. “We also get used to not having to deal with interruptions of any sort. Now, whether it is snoring, tossing and turning, or physically touching your body, it takes getting used to."
partner might disrupt your sleep, but experts say that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. " Sharing a bed will take some getting used to, but once you are familiar with the experience it will begin to get easier," Fish explains. Try to make some compromises on room temperature, bedtimes, and electronic use — eventually, you may find that you can both get those full eight hours and wake up feeling rested and refreshed.
What makes it so tricky to
share a bed with someone else to begin with? Here's why you might have difficulty sleeping next to someone, according to sleep experts. 1 Their Body Temperature Is Disruptive
hot — and for some people, that can be a real problem. "Many people have a particular need for sleeping cooler than others," clinical psychologist and sleep doctor Michael Breus, Ph.D., tells Bustle. "In general, we know that a cooler environment will be better for falling and staying asleep. Having a person whose body temperature is 98.6 degrees next to you, or worse, touching you, will cause a potential disruption." You can flip to the cool side of the pillow as much as you want, but their body is still going to work like a furnace. 2 They Have Trouble Sleeping 3 You Have Different Circadian Rhythms
Have trouble falling asleep next to your partner? Your different circadian rhythms — or body clocks — may be the culprit. "Another thing that can make sleeping with a partner difficult is going to bed at different times," says
Chris Brantner, a sleep expert and founder of mattress review company SleepZoo. "On average, couples stop going to bed at the same time around three years or so into the relationship. In fact, 75% of couples don't go to bed together. That time when you fall asleep together is crucial for intimacy. In fact, research shows that couples whose sleep patterns are mismatched report more disagreement, less serious conversation, and less sex — all of which can affect sleep quality."
It can also be tricky to go to bed at different times without
waking up your partner. "And not only that, when you go to bed after your partner, you're likely to disturb their sleep by making noise, turning on lights, etc," Brantner says. "And getting into bed can disturb them as you move around to get settled." 4 Your Brain Interprets Something "New" As Threatening
Even if you and your partner love sharing a bed, if it’s a new sleeping arrangement, it may be causing you a type of stress. "Your bed partner is causing you to feel stressed,"
Els van der Helm, Ph.D., the founder of sleep coach app Shleep, tells Bustle. "If it's a 'new' bed partner, maybe you're worried about things and hence stressed. Or perhaps you're in a new environment (sleeping at your partner's place, not your own), which could be causing stress."
This stress can put your body on high alert. "Why is
stress so bad for sleep?" van der Helm says. "Your brain is quite 'old', in that it still interprets stress as you being in physical danger (as opposed to 'just being stressed about work'). Whenever your brain suspects physical danger (so whenever you experience any stress) it will de-prioritize sleep. Instead, it wants you to be physically safe. Therefore, it'll keep you awake or prevent you from getting into deep restorative sleep." Until your brain understands that it's a safe sleeping arrangement, it may be keeping you awake. 5 Motion Transfer Keeps You Awake
You might not have heard of
mattress motion transfer, but it could be keeping you up. "Perhaps the biggest reason is that you don't have the right mattress," Brantner says. "Motion transfer is a big thing here, as the wrong bed will let you feel every time your partner moves, which can wake you if you're a light sleeper." Having incompatible sleeping positions can also make it difficult to drift off or stay asleep. 6 New Noises Are More Disruptive 7 Their Electronics Disrupt Your Sleep Cycle
It's no surprise that
electronics can mess with your sleep — but now you have someone else's phone and electronic use to worry about. "Lights and electronics can be problematic if partners are on a different schedule," says Ginger Houghton, L.M.S.W., C.A.A.D.C., owner of Bright Spot Counseling. "As electronics and light exposure make it more difficult to sleep, it’s important that couples have a buffer zone around bedtime to be respectful of each other’s sleep habits." You might want to move those phones out of the bedroom. Studies Referenced: Drews, H.J. (2017) “Are We in Sync with Each Other?” Exploring the Effects of Cosleeping on Heterosexual Couples’ Sleep Using Simultaneous Polysomnography: A Pilot Study. Sleep Disorders, https://www.hindawi.com/journals/sd/2017/8140672/. Experts: Bill Fish, certified sleep science coach, co-founder of Tuck Michael Breus, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, sleep doctor Martin Reed, certified clinical sleep health expert Chris Brantner, sleep expert, founder of SleepZoo Els van der Helm, Ph.D., founder of Shleep Ginger Houghton, L.M.S.W., C.A.A.D.C., owner of Bright Spot Counseling
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This article was originally published on
Jan. 1, 2019