Michelle Buteau Keeps Betting On Herself

There’s a moment in the third and final season of Netflix’s Survival of the Thickest where Michelle Buteau’s character, Mavis Beaumont, flanked by fellow stylists for an Essence cover photo shoot, calls herself an aspiring designer. Her peers urge her to get rid of the modifier. “I am a designer,” she agrees with a smile.

The exchange exemplifies Mavis’ journey of stepping into her own. For Buteau, who co-created the show based on her own collection of essays of the same name, it’s a message she was passionate about behind the scenes, too. “The one thing I really loved imparting on cast and crew is, we don’t have to be gatekeepers,” she tells Bustle over Zoom. “When they’re like, ‘I don’t know if I can,’ well, who told you you couldn’t? You? Why? Because no one told you you could? I’m telling you you can.”

That philosophy has worked for Buteau. Known for scene-stealing turns starring in BET’s First Wives Club and hosting The Circle on Netflix, the comedian took on her most substantial (and personal) work acting in Survival of the Thickest — and in its last season, she made her directorial debut.

Though Survival may be coming to an end (its final episodes are streaming now), she isn’t slowing down. In addition to bringing her Surviving & Thriving stand-up tour to Europe this fall, she’s set to star in a number of features in the near future: the girls-trip comedy Spa Weekend (out Aug. 21) and Heather of the Valley, which follows modern moms who go on an Outlander-esque adventure. It’s no quieter at home — in addition to the twins the 48-year-old star shares with her husband, photographer Gijs van der Mos, Buteau is a dog mom to pups named Lola Falana and Whitney Houston.

Ahead, Buteau opens up about grand gestures, the trip that changed her life, and why you shouldn’t hold it in — figuratively or otherwise.

The Big Question

As a kid, who was your biggest inspiration?

Probably Janet Jackson. I’m an only child, so I was like, Look at her. All those siblings, and she’s still living her truth — just jumping on that chair and whipping her hair. And good knees still, decades later!

Name something you used to think was a big deal, but really isn’t.

People’s opinions. The only opinion that really matters is the one you have for yourself.

What was your last big splurge?

My husband and I have been watching a lot of Below Deck, and I’m like, “I want to do that!” So we’re chartering a little catamaran with our family. I guess we all wear life vests and I just drink rosé? I don’t know what’s gonna happen — I just think making memories is my happy place.

Who’s your biggest fan?

It’s a tie between my mama and my husband.

Who are you the biggest fan of?

My mama and my husband!

What big goal are you still working toward?

I think slowing down in a way where I’m taking stock of the whole moment. When I actually do that, everything is chill. Like even down to turbulence — like, Oh my god, I get to fly first class in this turbulence and be OK. It really talks me off the ledge in a proper way.

Who gave you your biggest break?

I mean... me. I decided to believe in myself so fully that I am not going to take no for an answer. I’m just gonna live my dream. I wish people — especially executives in creative spaces — would make fewer decisions out of fear. Why not take a chance on somebody and make a splash? Don’t look at the algorithms and the numbers and this and that. You can discover somebody.

What’s the biggest mistake you made early in your career?

To not follow my instinct, to doubt myself because other people were doubting me. It didn’t happen for very long. But I was like, Oh, not again. Don’t fit in — stand out. And also invest. Just being fiscally responsible. If you need guidance, just ask for help. That’s OK. Whether it’s your money or your skincare, you don’t have to do it yourself.

On a date, what’s your biggest red flag?

Oh my God, so many. Smell was big. Body odor, your breath, cleanliness. You don’t have to look like you’re going to an awards show, but if you’re gonna bust out a jogging suit on a date, at least make sure it’s giving Delta One.

Be kind. Hold the door open for people, ask them how they’re doing, don’t interrupt. Don’t say “Get me...,” chew with your mouth open, talk about your ex — I know I have a maternal vibe, but I’m not your therapist. I’m not in network. Also, a huge red flag is political affiliation. What podcasts are you listening to? Who are you following? What do you find socially acceptable?

Has a big gesture ever changed your mind about someone?

My husband and I were dating long-distance, New York to Amsterdam. We were broke and really missed each other in a way that felt like we couldn’t even live without seeing each other. And he sold his vintage Mercedes-Benz to come see me. That really showed me how much he loved me.

[Also,] I had a surrogate to bring my children into the world, and my friend had just had a baby when I was bringing home my babies. I remember feeling so bad that I couldn’t offer them breast milk from my body. And she was like, “I am nursing right now, and I will give you some.” She made a whole kit for me, and gave it to me on ice, and was just like, “Take this to the hospital. Go be a mom, I love you so much.”

What’s your biggest irrational fear?

Spiders, insects, the silver things with all the legs. That or pumpkin spice candles — I’m just gonna choke.

What helped you heal from your biggest heartbreak?

I found out that my boyfriend of four or five years was cheating on me the whole time, and then 9/11 happened, and I was like, Oh, I need comedy. One of the first jokes I ever wrote was about him, which is, “Lines at Disney World remind me of my ex-boyfriend: three hours of waiting for a two-minute ride.” I thought it was pretty solid!

Who’s the big star of your camera roll?

My kids and my dogs — not even my husband. He’s the photographer. That and my Day 1s, my friends. And because I just did a tour with my friend Donwill, who’s a DJ, he’s popping up.

What’s your biggest regret?

I don’t like living with regret. Everything is a lesson. If you’re not learning from it, then you’re gonna do it again until you learn from it — so I tell my kids, “We’re not losing, we’re learning.”

What does your ideal big night out look like?

I like to do a family date night. We’re all in a good mood. Everyone’s curls are popping. We all listen to each other. My kids are using a fork and knife. Shirley Temples popping on their end. The cook realizes that I’m in town — there’s a little something special off the menu. Everyone’s like, “Oh my god, Michelle Buteau! Here’s a free bottle of champagne.” Maybe it’s a Greek restaurant. They start to move the tables and dance, and we do a little family twerk. Then we walk home, and we see a rainbow.

What’s the biggest trip you’ve ever taken?

It was probably to South Africa and Botswana for my 30th birthday. My friend and I opened up credit cards, paid for it way too long — interest is a motherf*cker. But I had this epiphany. I was doing comedy, but I was still working my night job editing the local news, and I’m like: The world has been met with so much trauma and grief, and people still overcome and find their joy. Bitch, start living. When I came back, I quit my job and started doing comedy full time. I also met my husband months later. I was free from an emotional prison that I put myself in.

What’s worth getting into a big fight over?

Humanity, oppression, suppression.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned in the past year?

It’s not going to be perfect, but that’s OK. I’m like, “I just emptied this dishwasher!” That is part of the journey, and some would say the joy of having a full house is that there’s always gonna be something to do.

Describe a big moment that had you sweating.

The great thing about comedy is like — if it happens to me, it happens to everybody. When I was leaving my Tribeca premiere on Saturday, I had been holding in going to the bathroom for way too long on our way to dinner, and I sneezed and peed all over myself.

Tell us a (big) secret.

Oh my God, I don’t think I have a secret. I talk so much. People assume that I’m a friendly person. I am friendly. But sometimes I just don’t like people right off the bat, you know? Something about their aura.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.