Relationship “Swag Gaps” Are OK. “Vibe Gaps” Aren’t.

Before a first date, you might have a mental checklist in mind. You want a partner who shares your hobbies and taste in music, and it would be even better if their style meshed well with your own. If your ‘fit is Pinterest-worthy and theirs is bland, it can feel like the relationship is over before it even began.

On TikTok and beyond, this coolness imbalance is called a “swag gap,” and it used to be a major red flag. However, celebs have proven that swag gaps actually aren’t that big of a deal. Take Hailey and Justin Bieber, who consistently step out as if they’re going to two totally different events. Billie Eilish and boyfriend Nat Wolff also recently graced the red carpet in mismatched ‘fits — Eilish in a casual Ralph Lauren polo and Wolff in a double-breasted suit.

Swag gaps don’t mean a relationship is doomed. In fact, sometimes they’re even kind of cute. In a recent clip, creator @camdennclarkk showed her swag gap relationship in all of its adorable incompatibility. While she loves colorful layers, her partner is happy in loose tees, basketball shorts, and sandals. “Thought I could make him dress better,” she wrote in her caption, “but the man is Adam Sandler through and through.”

In another viral post, creator Caroline Sacks says all you really need is a shared vibe. “Me and my fiancé have nothing in common. When you list our interests, there’s no alignment. There’s no middle of the Venn diagram,” she says. “We have nothing in common, besides our vibe.” Here why “vibe gaps” are way more important to notice in relationships than “swag gaps.”

Beware The Vibe Gap

While Sacks doesn’t listen to the Grateful Dead — her fiancé’s favorite band — she’ll 100% put on a tie-dye T-shirt and go with him to a concert. That’s vibe-matching at its very best, and it’s a reminder that you can have a swag gap, a hobby gap, and even a music gap as long as you don’t have a vibe gap.

Sacks, who met her fiancé, Jack, six years ago, clocked right away that he was different from anyone she’d talked to in the past. Typically, Sacks would go for the loudest person in the room like herself, so Jack, a mellow deadhead who likes yoga and meditation, wasn’t her usual pull.

After a few dates, Sacks started to realize that a good connection isn’t necessarily about what you have in common, but about appreciating who you are as individuals. Sometimes, she says, it’s even fun to be different. “It's actually really refreshing to learn about someone else's interests and not have it be the me-me-me show all the time,” she says.

Throughout their relationship, Sacks and her fiancé have vibe-matched for one another on a regular basis. While she goes to the occasional Grateful Dead show, Jack has attended historical candlelight walking tours through their city — something Sacks is drawn to as a fan of Bridgerton. “Was he bopping? No. But I do it for him, and he does it for me.”

When you share a vibe, you start to appreciate one another’s uniqueness, she says, and while dating, it’s a reminder to be open to those who aren’t you usual type. So what if your match hates horror movies? Who cares if you’re a homebody and they’re an extrovert? Those aren’t automatically things that will lead to a relationship’s demise. It’s also OK to dabble or do your own thing on occasion. “There isn't an expectation of just because they like to go camping, I'm going to be an all-star camper REI girl now,” she says.

Brie Temple, the COO and chief matchmaker at Tawkify, agrees that similar interests aren’t the true bottom line for relationships. “Attraction will only grow later if there is emotional connection, humor, kindness, and compatibility,” she tells Bustle.

To vibe match with your partner, Sacks says it’s all about cultivating curiosity and genuinely wanting to be there for your them and vice versa. “If I'm walking into somewhere that isn't my scene 100%, I'm not going to make a stink about it,” she says. “I'm going to have respect for their interests. It's just that willingness to drop in and be like, ‘You know what? Let's see what this is all about.’”