It's A Pleasure
In Bed, Is Bigger Really Better?
I'm worried about my ability to satisfy someone.
Q: Why do women feel like only a bigger penis can satisfy them?
A: Short answer: they don’t.
One of the most fraught parts of sex is that our bodies are involved. Bodies carry a lot of meaning, baggage, and history, much of which we do not choose. Sex can become frustrating, embarrassing, or dissatisfying simply based on what our anatomy does or doesn’t do, looks like or doesn’t look like, or sounds, smells, or tastes like.
Dicks get a lot of attention as oft-performing body parts in this little play called Banging Each Other. They can go in lots of places (Saltburn explored the outer limits of that), but for the sake of the question, I’ll assume you’re talking about putting a penis in a vagina.
Are there people who want huge dicks? Who seek that out? Yeah, there are. Frankly, I’m not certain how they do that since you have to be somewhat deep into a sexual experience to ascertain penile dimensions but that is their conundrum and not mine, and in 2024, I am not picking up anyone else’s problems.
The reality as I — someone without a D, admittedly — see it, is that the crew of Massive Member Militants is pretty small. They’re loud but few. Of my dozens and dozens of female friends, only one has ever made her preference for larger guys clear.
Everyone else I know is kind of like… a dick is a dick is a dick.
We’re not doing this out of some kind of weird magnanimous kindness. It’s just that a long object inside a vagina is not necessarily a shortcut to sexual pleasure, nor is it always desirable. My boyfriend jokes that the ideal size is “a little bit too big,” which drives me banana pancakes because “too big” means it isn’t satisfying! It is too much! But many cishet men persist in believing that there is no limit to how large their dick should ideally be.
The average erect penis is between 5.1 to 5.5 inches, a little less than the height of an iPhone 13. Most dicks are average; if you graph size distribution, 95% fall within that range.
Never miss the answers to all your burning sex & relationship questions — subscribe to our award-winning daily newsletter today.
When not aroused, vaginas are about 2 to 5 inches deep (during sex, they can stretch). Like penises, it seems most people hover around the average, which is 3.7 inches. When a dick hits the cervix, it’s sometimes because the receiving partner isn’t aroused enough, not because of the penetrating partner’s astronomical size. This means big dicks can hurt. And not in a fun way.
On that note, most people with vaginas aren’t coming from penetration anyway, regardless of what you’re slinging. Clitoral stimulation is often where it’s at, so if you have a massive dick that magically fondles clits, then sure, great. But otherwise? It’s not as helpful as you’re probably imagining. I’ve had awful sex with a big dick involved and wonderful sex with a smaller dick involved. And lots of good sex without a dick involved at all!
It’s true that some people fantasize about and fetishize larger members. Even if they don’t seek that out in real life, they might enjoy watching porn where that is featured. But fantasy and desire, while deeply intertwined, are not the same.
If you’re worried about what you’re packing, my strongest suggestion is to get good at using your hands and mouth — so good that no one cares about what’s happening in your lap. Getting better at sex doesn’t mean learning a single “skill” or “strategy.” It means learning what your current partner wants, what turns them on, and what makes them come.
And if that just so happens to be a large object inserted into their vagina? Cool. There are all kinds of dildos out there. As Ina Garten says, store-bought is fine.
It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.
This article was originally published on
