9 Ways To Set Boundaries With Your Family During The Holidays

The extra time you spend with family during the holidays always feels a little tense, and that might be truer than ever in 2024. If conversations turn sour around politics, religion, money, or other controversial topics, conflicts can arise and feelings can get hurt. Personal discussions, like prying into your love life, can be fraught too.

Before you go to grandma’s this year, decide what you are and aren’t willing to talk about — and if it comes up, firmly tell them it’s not a topic you’re willing to discuss. “Drawing this boundary and enforcing it is healthy and appropriate,” says Tzall. “Saying no is not being rude.”

If your family protests or reacts dramatically to your boundaries, let them know that you’re here for a happy visit and you want everyone to have a good time. Framing it as beneficial to them might inspire them to be more understanding.

It’s easy to get sucked into various events or parties during the holidays, especially when you’re obligated to attend. To avoid feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or stretched thin this time of year, decide how much time and energy you’re willing to allot to your family — and stick to it no matter what.

Maybe you’ll give them three hours on Thanksgiving or one weekend during the winter holidays. Once you decide, let your relatives know, especially if you’re making a big change from previous years.

“If there’s a difference between what you want and your family’s expectation, it could be helpful to talk with your family a couple of weeks before the holiday to let them know how long you plan to stay,” says licensed mental health counselor Marc Campbell.

He recommends saying something like, “I have a lot on my plate right now, so I’m making changes to my usual schedule,” or “Though I’m not able to stay as long as usual, I’m glad we still get to spend some time together.” Keep things kind but firm.

If you do end up going head to head with grandpa about the election results, or if your aunt starts to pry into your love life, it might help to use “I statements” as a way to get them to stop, instead of using the word “you.”

According to Melissa Webb, LPC, president and CEO of Purposeful Counseling, “I statements” reduce defensiveness and make it clear that this boundary is about your needs, and not a criticism or attack on others.

A comment like, “You always start fights about politics,” is likely to inflame the conversation. Alternatively, Webb says, “frame your needs like, ‘I’d prefer to not talk about that’ or ‘I need some space.” It’s such a simple shift in language, but it really does defuse a situation and get people off your back.

If you’re in a relationship, bringing your partner to see family can be stressful, especially around the holidays. It’s a lot of people to meet all at once, and they might also have questions that you aren’t ready to answer.

It’s why Campbell recommends talking with your partner ahead of time so you can go in as a united front — and so they aren’t taken by surprise when your mom plops down on the couch and asks when you’re having kids.

You can also fill your partner in on family dynamics and traditions they might not know about that could impact things dress code, topics of discussion, PDA, sleeping arrangements, and beyond. The more you share with them, the easier the visit will be.

Chances are you can predict exactly what your mom is going to say in the car on the way home from the airport, what your dad will blurt out at dinner, and what your brother will ask about when you go on a post-dinner walk. And that’s why it might help to arrive at the party with prepared answers, says Cynthia Flores, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, speaker, and host of the Heal & Manifest Podcast.

Before you visit, she recommends running down a mental checklist of what you expect to hear so that you aren’t taken by surprise, and then deciding how you’ll answer. “By preparing responses, you’ll feel more in control of the conversation, making it easier to navigate challenging topics and stay focused on your emotional well-being during family interactions,” she tells Bustle.

This pre-visit prep will also prevent you from getting flustered in the moment and saying something due to stress or panic. If someone brings up a touchy subject, say, “I know you’re curious, but I’d rather not go into detail right now” or “Thanks for asking, but I’m focusing on enjoying dinner.” Then turn and keep enjoying your meal.

While you might expect your notoriously nosy cousin to ask prying questions, you might not expect them to offer unsolicited advice about your lifestyle choices, love life, or career path. Rather than endure unwanted comments and criticisms and risk getting upset, you can quickly and calmly shut them down right when they pop up.

For example, “it’s all too common for family members to comment on the weight, body, and/or eating habits of other family members,” says Campbell. If this tends to happen at your get-togethers, he recommends being direct. Say something like, “Please do not comment on my body” instead of arguing back or trying to ignore it, which might only egg them on.

The only way to ensure your boundaries will stick is by being consistent with them. “Consistency sends a clear message that you are serious about maintaining your emotional health and maintaining a healthy relationship,” says Flores. “By reminding others of your boundaries, you reduce the likelihood of being put in uncomfortable situations — and you also promote healthier family dynamics, minimizing unnecessary conflict.”

If someone asks an uncomfortable question or is clearly set on arguing say, “If this topic comes up again, I will need to excuse myself from the conversation” or “I’ve mentioned before that I don’t want to discuss this. If it continues, I’ll step away to avoid further conflict.” And then actually follow through. Feel empowered as you say this, instead of guilty or ashamed. If they don’t listen, it’s also OK to leave.

Even if you’re close with your family and are so happy to see them, the holidays mean spending more time together than usual, and that’s enough to put anyone on edge.

To take good care of yourself, make sure you take breaks and breathers, whether it’s before dinner, first thing in the morning, or after a tough convo. “Give yourself permission to step away if you start feeling overwhelmed,” says Webb. Simply say, “I’m going to take a short break” and then leave for a walk, a moment out in the yard, or some alone time in another room.

“You can also pause conversations if they become too intense by saying, ‘I need some time to think about this before responding,’” she says. “Taking a break allows you to emotionally reset, helping you approach the situation with a clear mind and a calmer demeanor.”

It can be intimidating to set boundaries with your family, even if you know what to do. It can also feel weird to change the status quo, especially if your family has deeply ingrained habits, or if you genuinely love visiting them and don’t want to rock the boat.

To mitigate any worries or concerns, Tzall recommends practicing beforehand. “This might mean talking out loud how you might say ‘no’ or switch the subject,” he says. “Practice could also be mentally fantasizing about what you will do if or when your boundary gets tested.”

Whether you practice with your partner or alone in the mirror, get comfortable with the idea that “no” is a complete sentence and that you are worthy of protecting your peace. It’s difficult, and it can take a lot of work to undo decades of habits and family dynamics, but keep your goals and well-being in mind, and your holidays should stay merry and bright.