I'm Married & Can't Stop Crushing On All My Friends

Q: I seem to have a really hard time getting close to anyone, male or female, without developing feelings for them. Since marrying almost 10 years ago, the frequency of these uncomfortable — or maybe too comfortable — friendships has gone down, mainly because I have put myself in a bubble. This has ultimately resulted in a happily-married albeit unsocialized and slightly-depressed self. Because of this, I joined my corporate sports team and have really enjoyed getting to know my teammates and being in on the jokes and camaraderie.

Over the years I have gotten to know my coach somewhat, and really admire the way they keep things professional; I liked that they never crossed any lines. We had a good platonic friendship. But then, some feelings snuck up on me. I started to feel a connection. Even though I hoped it was one-sided on my part, I couldn’t deny that I also hoped they felt something too. Nothing has ever been spoken between us, and when I realized that I looked forward to our interactions more than the moments I have with my spouse, I stopped going to practice altogether.

I miss my teammates and I miss the truly platonic friendship I had with my coach. My marriage is very important to me. Do you have any kind words for me about cutting myself some slack, or am I truly a dirty emotional cheater and that’s it? Can a relationship ever turn platonic again if one person develops feelings but never acts on the infatuation?

A: You aren’t a dirty emotional cheater. You can go ahead and take that concern off your plate. In fact, if anything, you seem like you’ve perhaps overcorrected in the opposite direction.

You are being hyper-vigilant about being attracted to or flirty with people outside of your marriage, which is neither good nor bad in a vacuum. But I’m wondering why. And I’m wondering what the cost is. I worry that this level of self-monitoring is hurting you. I could totally be wrong (let’s always leave room for that!) but hurting yourself to help your marriage is, to be a bit blunt, not good for your marriage.

Everyone gets to decide their own boundaries and priorities and how those intertwine with and shape their romantic relationships. To me, it seems like your marriage comes first, second, and 45th in your life. Of course, that’s partly because you wrote a letter about your marriage. Had you written about, say, your love of cycling or your two pet hedgehogs, maybe it would appear otherwise. But from this letter, all I’m getting is marriage. You even say “My marriage is very important to me,” which is great!!!!! But as gently as possible, I want to whisper to you, “I assumed so. Because it’s a marriage.”

I’m not saying that to poke fun at your commitment. At all. I think being in the thick of it with another person, showing up day in and day out, avoiding situations that might cause the other person pain — I think that sh*t is the absolute glory of life. That is The Good Stuff.

However! You have more or less avoided friendships for a decade. That is deeply concerning. If I were one of your friends from before you met your spouse, I would be worried for your mental health.

Love doesn’t fall into neat types as much as we’d all like to think.

What you describe in your letter — both your feelings for people in general and your feelings for your coach — seems pretty normal. Like not really a big deal. Being attracted to people on some level is part and parcel of being their friend. Not all attraction is romantic or sexual!

Attraction — the desire to be around someone — is so multifaceted. You can be attracted to someone’s ambition, their kindness, the way they make a cheese platter. (I’m adding that last one out of hope that people find that attractive in me.) The reason you want to be around your friends might have some overlap with the reason you want to be around a partner. They make you feel safe or excited or understood.

Even if you feel a little spark of a crush from time to time, that’s OK! That’s human. You have had platonic feelings for your spouse, no doubt. When you plan who’s taking the cat to the vet this time, you probably don’t swoon. So why wouldn’t your love for friends sometimes veer a tiny bit into the romantic category?

If you cease to interact with other people when you feel the slightest ping or zing of interest, that’s not being faithful. It’s annihilation.

Love doesn’t fall into neat types as much as we’d all like to think. The beauty of monogamy is not that you don’t feel for someone else ever again. It’s that you still choose your partner. To me, that’s much more of a triumph than staying with someone because you’ve never ever wanted anyone else.

So, sure. You feel a connection with your coach. OK? You’re not acting on it! In fact, you seem to have cut off all contact. That is not — or at least should not — be the promise of marital fidelity. If you cease to interact with other people when you feel the slightest ping or zing of interest, that’s not being faithful. It’s annihilation.

Feeling numb to the people around you is an impossibly high standard to hold yourself to, as evinced by the fact that you’ve had to isolate yourself for a decade to achieve it.

I do not want you or anyone reading this to believe that a requirement of a “happy” marriage is siloing yourself from other people in your life to the point where you feel “slightly depressed.”

Obviously, you and your spouse should have equal say in the rules of your relationship, and if this is yours, then OK. But I urge you to really think about the boundaries of your marriage. Who dictates them? Why are they in place? Is your spouse adhering to them, too? Is your partner generally envious or possessive, or do they hold resentment toward you over past infidelity? Is this pressure coming from you, them, or both?

Part of why I’m asking you this is that isolating a partner can be a sign of emotional abuse. This dynamic can have serious consequences. I do not want you or anyone reading this to believe that a requirement of a “happy” marriage is siloing yourself from other people in your life to the point where you feel “slightly depressed.” Where are you in all of this? What do you want?

And another one: Is there a reason that you looked forward to seeing your coach more than your spouse?

You deserve — and require— a full, happy life. Not just a full, happy marriage.

If you don’t have the answers to all of these questions, that’s fine. They are thorny and painful, and some stones you turn over might have creepy crawlies under them. But you’re going to have to start asking questions. Otherwise, you’re staring down a rather lonely and isolated future. You might find that a healthy partnership can include attraction to others as long as there’s no action. Or you might find that you’re both intrigued to explore an open relationship.

You deserve — and require— a full, happy life. Not just a full, happy marriage.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every other Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.