I'm Married & So Horny For My Coworker, I Could Die

Q: I've been friendly with a male coworker since we started working together over a year ago. We both got married during the pandemic, and have spent a lot of time (with groups or just us) chatting and joking around, but I've never felt anything more than platonic until a recent work trip.

We went to a music venue, then spent two hours walking around the city, laughing our asses off the whole time. We have such similar tastes in everything.

At the end of the night, I was so horny I thought I might die. I can't stop thinking about him. Since then, I've had a difficult time not catching his eye in the office. I feel like he has been avoiding me. Is it possible he felt the same way? Is he into me too all of a sudden? I don't feel like our friendship is the same but I also really don't want to make him uncomfortable. Is being honest the right or wrong way to clear the air, even if I don’t expect anything to come of it? I feel actually alive thinking about him and I'm terrified it's all in my head.

A: You need to end your friendship with this man. You also might choose to end your marriage, but that is, although intertwined, not a requirement.

Whatever else you do, do not talk to your married coworker about how horny they make you. It is not appropriate professionally or personally. It does not matter at all if he was into you because you are coworkers and both married. This isn’t baseball where you get three strikes. This is skydiving and you get zero.

The truth is that you are not in love with Rodney from Ad Sales (probably not his real name, unless I’m an amazing guesser), whatever you may think.

You have a crush — which is fine, you’re not a bad person, it won’t kill you. But you can’t act on it! That’s the rule. At least, for most married people. You cannot “clear the air” with inappropriate confessions. That’s like using sewage as an air freshener. Part of being a responsible, unselfish person is distancing yourself from someone whose job or relationship might be jeopardized by your closeness.

I strongly advise you against exploding your life based on one evening of horniness over a man you don’t actually know.

I think you need to do some reflecting. In your letter, you worried about how admitting your sexual feelings might make your coworker uncomfortable, but you didn’t even mention how your husband might feel. Or this coworker’s spouse, the poor thing.

You do not mention anything about your husband except for when you got married, so I don’t know how you feel about him. (The flags, my dear! They are red!) It seems to me, however, that you are desperate for something in your life that you are not getting, and you’ve reached the conclusion that you are not getting it from your marriage.

That may be true. But also, a partner cannot make your life exciting or fun or fulfilling. Satisfaction is an internal issue. It only seems external when you’re pumped full of adrenaline and anxiety from a crush.

If you do want to stay in your marriage — I’m not sure, you don’t say — you will need to do some hard work. (Also internal, unfortunately.)

I would start by trying to accept that the story you have created is false. It’s a fantasy — whether your coworker felt similarly or not! Let me explain.

I’m not saying you didn’t have a nice time with Rodney. You did. But you feel sparks because you don’t have to fight with him about which dental insurance plan to get. You haven’t seen how angry he gets when electronics don’t work. You aren’t listening to him brag about how good he was at Rage Cage in college for the 147th time.

Sparks are very fun, but when you want to keep a house warm for the next 40 years, you want a furnace. Not sparks.

I strongly advise you against exploding your life based on one evening of horniness over a man you don’t actually know. It’s like putting your house on the market because you saw a beautiful property on Selling Sunset. You made up an alluring version of Rodney that could not possibly have been disproven on a fun night out in a new city.

At the core of your interest in this other man lies some dissatisfaction with your current circumstances.

The beginning of a new crush is easy! It’s bonding, it’s curiosity, it’s the unknown. It’s a time when both of you having studied abroad in Paris feels like a crazy coincidence — and a sign of something bigger.

These early on revelations, like having “similar tastes,” are one of the most overrated markers of compatibility. Twenty years down the road I will not care if my partner and I both like Bruce Springsteen the same amount. I will care that he installed the car seat correctly without me asking before I go into labor.

Right now, you like a fleeting version of Rodney that exists only as a reflection of your own desires. That is worth interrogating.

At the core of your interest in this other man lies some dissatisfaction with your current circumstances. But the question isn’t how to escape. It’s: What is missing from your life that would make this fantasy appealing right now?

What specific parts of spending time with Rodney make you feel more alive? Do you feel more heard, seen, desired, passionate? Is the problem really your marriage, or is your dissatisfaction bigger than that?

Think about the small, petty comparisons you’ve been making between the two men. (This will be brutal, but you are not going to share them with anyone other than a therapist or diary.) Try to be honest about whether these judgments are accurate. Does your husband really not listen to you as closely, or is the excitement of a new friend making it feel that way? Does your husband actually not desire you, or do you wish he showed affection in a different way?

Look for places where you can ask for adjustments. Could you go on more dates? Agree to have no phones at dinner? Is there a sex thing you want to try? How about couples therapy? (Please go to couples therapy.)

Then, tell your partner what you are feeling! You don’t need to include information about having a work crush. Some people have the type of relationship where that conversation would be non-threatening and even intimate, some do not. I would err on the side of not disclosing. But he deserves the chance to hear what you need.

You are never going to fill the void with affairs, no matter how delicious they appear to be.

One thing I must remind you of, though, is that wherever you go, there you are. To free yourself from this issue, you have to face it.

Curiosity is a fantastic way to approach unwanted or unsettling feelings. Look inward. Root around in there. Learn about yourself, then figure out how to build a life you actually like — regardless of who is in it. Otherwise, you will eventually crave another married coworker or engaged veterinarian or not-quite-divorced mechanic to satisfy your emotional needs. You are never going to fill the void with affairs, no matter how delicious they appear to be.

What are you missing? I promise it’s not Rodney from Ad Sales.

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