A Marathon First Date Isn't The Flex You Think It Is

When you step out for a first date, there’s no telling how long it will last. Sometimes it’s a quick 30-minute meet-up that’s over as soon as they make one comment that didn’t land. Other times, you find yourself chatting for hours and looking for excuses to stay. There’s also the rare marathon first date — aka the kind that starts with what’s supposed to be a quick dinner on Friday night and then lasts all weekend.

Each duration has its perks, as well as its downsides, and it makes you wonder about the ideal length for a first date. What timeframe should you aim for when making plans, and how long should you linger once you’re actually there?

These questions are floating around social media, and they’re likely in your group chats, too. If you’ve ever asked your friends how long you should stay on a first date, they likely replied with something vague like, “IDK, just go with your gut!” It’s tough to get a clear answer.

The length of a date can also impact how much overthinking you do post-date. If your dinner and drinks last late into the night, you might leave feeling like you just met The One. It’s tempting to think that longer equals better, but many dating experts warn against marathon first dates, as well as ones that are cut too short. Here’s the ideal amount of time to sit and chat.

Marathon First Dates Are Out

It goes without saying that first dates require a lot of planning. You have to nail down the best day to meet up, figure out what to do, and then agree on a time. This is also when the length of the date factors in. Some people like to grab a quick 15-minute coffee. Others prefer to hunker down in a restaurant booth for hours.

According to therapist Tiffany Petite, MSW, RCSW, it’s common to get tripped up. “People worry about staying too long and seeming too eager, or leaving too early and seeming disinterested,” she tells Bustle. There’s a lot of pressure to get it right, especially if you really like your match and hope to date long-term.

Since first dates are nerve-racking, it’s best to give yourself enough time to settle in and relax. That’s the best way to get a read on someone and assess your chemistry. “When a date is too short, you may not give those moments time to unfold,” Petite says. It’s why the occasional coffee date is OK in a pinch, but something longer is best.

On the flip side, you also don’t want to move in together on day one. “When a date is too long, you end up creating a false sense of closeness that hasn’t had time to develop naturally,” she says. If you spend eight hours together, you run the risk of getting caught up in your emotions too soon, and that makes red flags even tougher to see.

And The Ideal Length Is...

In an ideal scenario, Petite says you should aim for roughly 1.5 hours for a first date. “That tends to be enough time to settle initial nerves, have a few meaningful exchanges, and get a sense of how you feel in the other person’s presence — not just what they say, but how you feel around them,” she says.

At the same time, it leaves room for curiosity without exhausting the interaction. “There’s something psychologically powerful about ending a date while the energy is still good,” she says. “It creates anticipation and gives both people space to reflect, rather than overwhelming the experience.” Imagine floating home with a smile as you look forward to date number two.

This is the perfect amount of time to grab dinner and a drink, play a round of mini golf, or do a wine tasting together. Melissa Paul, LCSW, a dating and relationship therapist, agrees. “For a first date, you should have a good sense of a person within 90 minutes of meeting or less,” she tells Bustle. This timeframe also gives you a clear cut-off point. If the date isn’t going well, you know it’ll be over soon and you can get on with your evening. It’s also always OK to leave earlier if you need to.

It also helps prevent those confusing marathon dates. “Sometimes when a date is too long [...] people get mixed ideas of whether they’re having fun with this person — or just having fun,” Paul says. By leaving at the 90-minute mark, you can go home, assess how you feel, and see if the chemistry is still there on date number two.

Well, It’s Been Fun

To excuse yourself once the 90 minutes are up, Paul recommends making moves to go at the end of a drink or coffee. Start reaching for your bag and adjusting your chair, and say you need to get home.

“Something as simple as, ‘I’ve really enjoyed this,’ creates a sense of closure while leaving the door open,” Petite adds. If you had fun, this is the perfect moment to agree to a second date. If you aren’t feeling it, you can part ways without over-explaining.

It’s even better if you can set timing expectations beforehand, Paul says. Let your date know when you’ll have to leave. Going in with a cut-off times helps relieve stress, keeps the convo flowing, and the energy high.

In some special cases, Petite says you can keep the good times going. “If the conversation is flowing naturally, both people feel comfortable, and there’s a mutual sense of ease rather than urgency, it can be lovely to extend it,” she says. “The difference is intention. Are you staying because it feels good and grounded, or because you’re caught up in the intensity and afraid to lose the moment? When it’s the former, letting it unfold can be a really positive start.”

Sources:

Tiffany Petite, MSW, RCSW, therapist

Melissa Paul, LCSW, dating and relationship therapist