Is "Post-Holiday Guilt" Dragging You Down?

The lead-up to the holidays holds so much Hallmark-movie potential. You imagine yourself traveling home, opening gifts with family, and laughing by the fire while snow gently falls outside. All you want is a cozy, relaxed get-together — but then reality hits.

It starts at the front door when your parents pummel you with questions. Before you can even get your coat off, they also ask you to sort through an old bag of clothes from high school, and the next morning, you wake up from the slam of the vacuum cleaner against your bedroom door. To put it bluntly: Being home is overwhelming.

As the visit continues, the tension continues to rise. Even though you know they’re excited to see you, and you understand they’re just trying to be good hosts, it doesn’t stop the annoyance from bubbling up inside, almost as if you’re regressing back to your teenage years. In an instant, you’re no longer the successful 32-year-old with a job and her own apartment; you’re a snappy 15-year-old rolling her eyes at the dinner table.

The worst part? You know you should be savoring your time at home, especially if you only visit once a year. But try as you might to be happy and relaxed, you’re on edge the entire trip. Sound familiar? You aren’t alone. Many people on TikTok are talking about the guilt that comes with these mixed feelings around the holidays.

Post-Holiday Guilt Is Real

Once your winter break is over, nothing feels better than fleeing the chaos of your family’s home and returning to the quiet solitude of your own. Sometimes, the relief sets in before you even pull out of the driveway. But for many, so does the guilt.

On TikTok, creator @doolapeep628 said she was essentially in fight-or-flight mode her entire visit, and it meant she had a lot to process once the holidays were over. “I’m ashamed to admit that I’m somebody who has a really bad attitude when I’m home,” she said in the clip. While her parents were nice, she said everything they did still felt annoying, and it put her in a bratty mood. Once she left their house, clarity hit and guilt set in.

The relatable message got 1.2 million views. In her comments, someone said, “I literally ALWAYS feel like I want to cry or am irritated [when I’m with family]. And it makes me feel so guilty!!!” Another said, “I thought it was just me!” while someone else wrote, “Yes! I'm 40 and feel like I act like a 13-year-old when I'm home [for the holidays].”

The guilt is immense when you realize you were short-tempered with your well-meaning parents, like your mom who just wanted to bake cookies, but it’s also there when you think back on the moments where you had every right to be upset. Think rude comments, tense holidays dinners, and all those poorly-timed chores.

Creator @nnaanzy talked about visiting family for the holidays — something she only does once a year — and noted how much it hurt when her mom made mean comments about her appearance and career.

“It’s such a complex situation because I live far from my parents, I want to come back home for the holidays and spend time with them, but it’s just so hard to enjoy, especially when they [say things] like that,” she said.

As she thought back on her visit, she felt sad and guilty for not being happier while at home, especially when she remembered that her mom and dad were getting older. Right now, TikTok is full of similar heart-wrenching stories as people think back on their holiday experience.

Why You Feel So Guilty

According to Erica Schwartzberg, LMSW, a psychotherapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy, there are so many causes of holiday stress: travel, nonstop socializing, impossible expectations, emotional caretaking of unhealed family members, lack of self-care, toxic fights, and the weirdness of being back in your hometown.

The holidays are triggering, they can put you in a bad mood, and that causes the part of your brain responsible for reflection to short circuit. It’s why, even if you want to be kind of engaged, you end up being snarky and snappy instead. Your nervous system is in survival mode, and you end up reacting instead of responding. “It’s like trying to meditate during a fire alarm — your body won’t let you,” she tells Bustle.

It’s also really hard to break out of old family patterns and dynamics, like the kind you slip back into when your dad doesn’t listen, or your mom treats you like a child. “When you walk back into the same house with the same people, your brain doesn't pause to check how much therapy you have done or how different your life looks now,” says Dr. Trisha Wolfe, a trauma-focused clinician and founder of Cbus Therapy.

Instead, your mind braces for their toxicity, and it shows up as tension, defensiveness, and irritation — even when you want to happily sip cocoa by the tree. It’s why you see red when your parents something sweet, like join you in the kitchen for breakfast, and why you shut down when they ask a simple question about your life. Nothing might be wrong in the moment, but your brain has been trained — possibly through old family dynamics — to set off alarm bells and be on edge.

It’s only when you’re safe again in your own space that you’re able to reflect the tension and over-stimulation, and how it brought out the worst version of yourself. But by then it’s too late and the damage is done. All you can think about is how you were mean on Christmas morning and how you sulked in the corner while everyone opened their gifts.

The guilt is made even worse as your nervous system relaxes further. “When that adrenaline finally drops, our bodies enter a kind of emotional withdrawal,” Schwartzberg says. “The brain looks for something/someone to blame. Most often, it lands on ourselves.”

That’s when you might sit quietly, replay conversations, and maybe even shed a few tears over your experience. It can lead to a shame spiral, Schwartzberg says, where you feel like you ruined the holidays with your bad attitude, even though it wasn’t truly your fault. There can also be some grief as you process what actually happened versus what you wish had happened.

How To Let It Go

If you’re currently crying in bed because you were mean to your mom for a week straight, Wolfe recommends calming your nervous system with simple self-care. “I would start with your body — not with trying to convince yourself you shouldn’t feel how you feel,” she says. “After a visit like this, your brain is still running the old holiday template, and your nervous system has not totally registered that you are home.”

To prove to yourself that you’re OK, go for a short walk, take a shower, and make something nice to eat. “Post-holiday guilt often comes from a dysregulated state,” Schwartzberg adds. “Your body needs to discharge before it can restore balance.” In other words? This isn’t about analyzing how you behaved, but about allowing yourself to relax.

You can journal about what happened as another way to release your thoughts. And if it feels right, you might even want to call your parents and offer a brief apology for being tired, short, or on edge. End on a positive note — a thank you or a quick recap of the things that went well.

From there, remind yourself you did the best you could, given the situation. Remember, you weren’t rude because you wanted to be. Your nervous system was simply on edge because you stepped back into old family dynamics, and possibly even one that actually was toxic. Give yourself a couple of days to let the stress leave your body, and you should start to feel better.

Source:

Erica Schwartzberg, LMSW, psychotherapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy

Dr. Trisha Wolfe, trauma-focused clinician, founder of Cbus Therapy