The only thing worse than a teary-eyed breakup conversation is when a situationship ends without any conversation. When you’re left on read and having trouble processing it, it’s natural to wonder if you should text someone who ghosted you to get closure.
After weeks of cute dates and dreamy makeouts, someone falling off the earth is unsettling. Though breakups are never easy, getting over someone who ghosted you can feel especially confusing. As you reread all your texts with them and scan through their tagged photos on Instagram, you question everything, wondering if you knew even knew them at all.
According to clinical psychologist, Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. “closure” refers to the psychological and emotional state of fully processing a life experience. “Closure is about completing a story that has a beginning and middle, but is devoid of an ending,”Klapow tells Bustle. “We can have closure, seek closure, or experience closure occurring.”
But “closure” can be highly subjective, Klapow says. While some people may process a breakup by taking time alone, others may need to verbalize their feelings or ask questions to the people that hurt them.
“Often, getting closure means getting information from outside sources,” Klapow says. “It’s getting questions answered then assimilating that information to create an ending that makes sense to the individual.”
Do I Need Closure From Someone Who Ghosted Me?
While your best friend or sister may need to talk things out with the ghoster, you may find closure in spending quality time with loved ones, getting rid of things that remind you of them, or taking yourself on a solo trip.
If you’re wondering if texting someone who ghosted you would bring you closure, Klapow says the first step is to sit with yourself and see if you really want to hear from them.
Before reaching out to your ghoster, Klapow suggests going through your own narrative of your relationship. Before the ghosting, did they make you feel good? Was your relationship stable and positive? Did you feel like you could depend on them?
If they were always inconsiderate of your feelings or if the relationship always felt a little shaky, “closure” may mean accepting on your own that this person wasn’t capable of being a good partner to you, or wasn’t looking for the type of relationship that you were. Closure may mean getting clear on what you’re looking for moving forward and making a point to date people with compatible desires. Additionally, if you replay your relationship and feel upset with how you were treated, “closure” could mean cutting off communication with them fully and drawing your own boundaries if they ever try to reach out.
If the ghosting came a total shock, or you think you’d benefit from speaking with them, reaching out and potentially hearing their perspective may give you some clarity on the breakup.
What To Text Someone Who Ghosted You If You Nee Closure
While you may want to yell at your ghoster for their lack of communication or ask them to reconsider, Klapow says that telling them off, or asking for another chance won’t bring you clarity. It’s completely natural to be hurt and upset by someone ghosting you. Still, expressing your angry feelings to a validating loved one or by a cathartic activity like Alanis Morissette karaoke or dart-splatter painting from The Princess Diaries, will be more nourishing and fruitful than rage-texting. Additionally, if someone left you on read, asking them to hang out again may open the door for more heartache in the future. Though people are capable of change, if someone hasn’t responded to you in weeks, they may not reply to a text about clearing the air. So when reaching out to someone that ghosted you, Klapow urges you to remember they may not reply.
If you’re not interested in speaking with them more, sending a firm message ending the connection may feel good as well. Below, you’ll find examples of exactly what you can say.
If You Want Answers From The Ghoster:
- Hi John. I’m feeling hurt and confused by the way you ended things. If you’re open to it, I’d like to go on a walk and talk it out.
- Hey Kayla. It’s clear we weren’t looking for the same things, but I’d appreciate talking about what happened. Do you have time this week?
- I’m not sure what happened between us, but I’d really benefit from hearing your perspective. Would you be available to call?
- I’m feeling very confused and am having trouble processing what happened. I’d really like to clear the air.
- Reaching out one last time. I know you have a lot going on. I’d really appreciate hearing where you’re at mentally.
- Hey, I know it’s been a minute — want to check that you're OK.
If You’re Ready To Let It Go:
- I had fun hanging out, but I lose interest when I don’t hear from you for weeks. Wish you the best.
- It’s OK if you don’t want a relationship, but I wish you’d verbalize. I can’t read your mind, and I’m not going to try. Good luck out there.
- I get it if you're not feeling a connection, but after all the time we spent together, I expected more of a conversation. Hope you find what you’re looking for.
- Clearly, we're not looking for the same thing. Best of luck to you.
- I’m sad you put this distance between us and wish it could have ended differently. Please don’t contact me in the future.
- I’m not sure what’s on your mind, but clearly, you want space and I’ll respect that. Best of luck.
Getting ghosted by someone you were into can be devastating. While reaching out to them may feel good, sometimes closure comes from yourself.
Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist