My Boyfriend & I Have Different Love Languages. Help!

Q: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but I feel like we struggle with different love languages.

I try to meet his love languages of acts of service and quality time; mine are physical touch and thoughtful acts. I love being kissed passionately, and small kind acts being done from time to time, and I feel he never does these things for me. He gives quick pecks; I have to ask for more, and they are never what I want.

His lack of attention to my love languages makes me feel unfulfilled, like I care more about making him happy than he does for me.

We have a good sex life when we have it, but it’s not that often. I have a higher sex drive than him, which I have mentioned to him to some extent. He says it makes him feel as if he is not enough for me and less of a “man,” which isn’t how I feel or want him to feel.

We’ve discussed this a few times, but the conversations never go well, and nothing seems to change.

A: I actually think you have two separate problems, which might sound worse than you thought, but I think is possibly better. Personally, I’d rather have two medium-hard but potentially fixable problems than one big, glaring incompatibility that signals that this relationship will never work. The common thread here is that you aren’t feeling desired or cared for enough.

Love Languages Aren’t Everything

This is the easier issue of the two, I think, because you have a lot of actions you can take that might make things feel better.

Love languages can be a very useful tool in talking with your partner about what you like and what you’re needing. However, they aren’t backed by science.

A guy (marriage counselor Gary Chapman) just wrote a book, and it stuck because people like self-identifying as a type. It’s like saying you’re a Miranda or a Carrie or a Ginger Spice, Scary Spice rising. I say this not to burst any bubbles, but to encourage you to look beyond this concept’s rigidity.

Love languages can give your partner a good guide for things you like, but can you think more expansively about what love looks like in your relationship?

Here’s Your Homework

For a moment, forget about your preferred ways of receiving love. Consider the situation from your partner’s perspective. What are the ways he believes he’s showing you love? Maybe it’s buying your favorite flowers for no particular reason or asking you to come with him when he runs errands (even if you don’t particularly love going to the mechanic). Make a list.

Then your job is to notice when he’s doing those things. I am not saying he doesn’t need to make any adjustments or listen to what you’re asking for — he does, and we will get to that below — but I am suggesting you try to reframe your thinking.

Part of loving someone is accepting where they are. If the ways he demonstrates care and affection don’t work for you, that’s fine, but then this might not be the right relationship for you two.

Maybe he’s never going to become the most passionate kisser, but you can learn to remind yourself that when he takes your car for an oil change, that’s his equivalent. I know it’s frustrating! I’m sure there’s someone out there who will perfectly match your wish list, but they’ll probably be rude to your family or the world’s biggest Smash Mouth fan or something. Every person has flaws. After a little tweaking on both sides, does your boyfriend’s particular combo of traits work for you?

For a couple weeks, make an effort to reinterpret his actions and see if that makes any difference in how you feel. Generous thinking tends to beget more generous thinking.

I don’t want you to think that this is all going to be on you, but I do think that starting with the assumption that you’re both trying to love each other well will help you address all of this.

Want A Book Rec?

The second problem, as I see it, is that you two have mismatched sexual desires. This sounds like — and might be — a deal-breaker, but I don’t personally think you’re there yet.

I would strongly recommend reading the book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill, which might give you ideas and wisdom that pertain to exactly what you’re going through.

Breaking This Down For Him

The other half of this equation, of course, is that your partner needs to hear and acknowledge that you aren’t feeling fully loved right now. You’re already giving him great guideposts by talking about love languages, but maybe he’s not understanding why you’re giving him these instructions. Not to do too much gender essentialism, but I’ve found a lot of guys have a hard time when they aren’t given a “why” behind the ask.

To him, these talks might feel like you’re giving him instructions for how to get to the hospital, but he doesn’t realize that you’ve broken your wrist, so he’s like, “OK… cool. Good to know for the future, I guess?” But we need to go now!

So you (and I could write a whole thing about how crappy it feels for this to fall on you!) have to go to him and be very, very clear. Like “directing a pet sitter to care for your elderly, diabetic dog on five medications” clear. You can say something like:

I am not feeling wanted by you, and it’s really bothering me. I know you love me, but I’ve talked about things that would mean a lot to me and you seem to either not understand or to be unwilling to do them. I need this to change in order for me to be happy in our relationship.

In this conversation, you might also acknowledge the ways you do see him showing love, and how you’re working to open your eyes to those actions.

Lay out how you feel, explain the stakes, and then listen to his take on it. Is he convinced he’s been putting in a bunch of effort? Is he shocked to hear your assessment? Is he in agreement? You might be surprised!

In order for this relationship to work, he must be on board with doing the work to make you feel more loved and wanted. That’s a requirement.

Relationship problems, I’m very sorry to report, often have to be brought up repeatedly. Forever. The point isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t have any issues — it’s to find someone who is willing to go back into the muck with you to work on the same things over and over again.

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