Q: I met a guy on Hinge last month and we instantly clicked. I've never felt chemistry like this before and we have a ridiculous amount of fun together. We're both looking for something serious, and it definitely feels like this is heading that way. The problem: he hates condoms. It's been years since he wore them regularly (he got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago). He says he doesn't normally have issues staying hard, but struggles while wearing a condom, and doesn't like how they feel. He's happy to get tested and so am I, but I'm not on any other form of birth control.
Usually, we'll start having sex with a condom, he'll go soft, get frustrated, and we'll switch to other stuff. But it's not great. I can't have sex like this forever. Are we doomed?
A: You aren’t doomed, but you’re both likely to be a bit frustrated, at least at some point. That’s OK, it happens. You can still make this work as long as you’re open to getting creative. In fact, if you come in with the right mindset, this might be a bonding experience.
I’m glad you’re both willing to get tested, and I strongly encourage you both to do so! STIs can be transmitted orally and anally as well as through PIV sex, so you should know and talk about your health status no matter what you’re doing. Many clinics offer free or reduced-rate STI panels, no appointment needed. (FYI, some STIs, like herpes and HPV, can be difficult to detect with only a swab test. I did not go to medical school, so please chat about this with a doctor, not your friendly local advice columnist.)
Even if you get tested, though, it doesn’t seem like you (plural) want to get pregnant right now, so you (plural) still require a condom to have PIV sex. That is non-negotiable. He needs to understand this. You do not need to go on birth control medication, get an IUD, or use any other birth control method that you are not 100% comfortable with. Do not, under any circumstances, settle so this guy’s weiner feels a bit better for three to 24 minutes. We don’t do that.
I’m sorry that he can’t stay hard with a condom on. That’s crappy. But sex should involve a whole lot more than just the moments of penile penetration. What other stuff turns you two on? Can you masturbate together? Watch porn? Use toys? Make videos? Take sexy baths? Have fun exploring! A lot of people with fabulous sex lives don’t have PIV sex.
Keep in mind that your circumstances might change over time. Maybe as you two get more comfortable with each other, condoms won’t present the same problem for him. Maybe down the line, you decide to consider another method of birth control. If you plan to stay together, I think it’s worth it to talk to a doctor about what your options are, because to be frank, never (or rarely) having a type of sex you enjoy because of logistics is going to be disappointing at some point for both of you.
If there’s any hint that he’s not down to work this out, then you have a different problem — it’s not the condom, it’s the guy. If he weren’t dating you, he wouldn’t get any of the other hot stuff that comes with your sex life: makeouts, handjobs, going down on you, horny sexts, etc. (Also, your personality and companionship.) It’s up to him to decide if he wants all that with you, even if it means using protection or getting off outside of your vagina.
If he’d rather pursue all that with someone else, well, good luck finding a partner who wants to be condom-free: 94% of AFAB (assigned female at birth) people believe it’s important to use condoms for PIV sex if you don’t want to get pregnant. It’s so critical, companies are supporting the cause, too. Many colleges and bars offer free condoms, and MAC donates 100% of the proceeds from its Viva Glam collection to several AIDS foundations. Everyone else got the memo — he should, too.
Now, this might become a deal breaker for one or both of you. It’s reasonable to break up over sexual incompatibility. You don’t need to defend it to anyone. It’s sad, but it’s common. It’s perfectly understandable. And it frees you up to have hot, safe, smart sex with someone else.