I Love Oral Sex But My Boyfriend Hates It

Q: In my past relationships, oral sex was pretty much a given since that’s what works best for me. The guys were eager, the orgasms were A+, and it made the sex afterward feel even better because I was more turned on. I told my new boyfriend what I like, and he initiated it once, but otherwise, it’s only if I ask. I’ve tried boosting his confidence by telling him he’s good at it. I like giving him BJs, and I’m happy to experiment with bondage because he loves it. And most of the time, I do come from regular sex, but it’s kind of meh.

Once, he asked if I came, I said no, and he was like, “Oh, OK,” and walked away. The next time that happened, I suggested he go down on me. He did, but I felt guilty because he seemed kind of reluctant. Since then, he’s asked if I’ve finished a few times, I’ve said no, and that’s it. I finally told him that the question feels performative, like he doesn’t actually care what the answer is. He said that comment was “really hurtful” and finally straight-up said he doesn’t like giving oral and is fine not receiving it.

Aside from this, he’s very thoughtful! I like him a LOT. I would hate to break up over this, but the prospect of a future with no oral makes me sad. What do I do?

A: If I had a dollar for every time a guy found it “really hurtful” to be told how his actions were making someone else feel, I would own four Dyson AirWraps and this $50,000 refrigerator.

Your boyfriend doesn’t care if you come, and he’s hoping that his own hurt feelings will be a get-out-of-jail free card. So, let’s make like Salt-N-Pepa and talk about sex.

Here’s How To Handle This

Incompatibility in the bedroom does not have to be a deal-breaker. You might decide that it’s not a priority for you — that you are willing to take eager, enthusiastic cunnilingus off the table for the sake of shared goals, or a co-parent to your goldendoodle, or the security of being in a relationship. Or whatever! There are many, many people out there who have made that choice with incredibly happy results.

In this situation, some people would be inclined to withhold acts he enjoys more than you do, like bondage (or maybe that’s just my own pettiness talking). Of course, this tactic punishes you, too. It’s like pinning a scoreboard over your bed and going tit for tat. Removing his stuff from the menu doesn’t lead to hotter sex, and it certainly doesn’t get you eaten out.

Alternatively, you could have a conversation outside of the bedroom in which you make it incredibly explicit that you are not satisfied with your current sex life. Together, you could brainstorm how to change that — solutions that require effort from him, too, not just you.

This isn’t a foolish or frivolous reason to end things.

However, I’m a little skeptical that a discussion with this particular guy will be effective. I’m honestly baffled by him even asking you if you’ve come. Did he see that in a movie? Did he watch a TikTok about it? What does he think he’s achieving?

Please — please! — do not let anyone (even yourself) convince you that sustained mediocre sex shouldn’t be a big deal. This isn’t a foolish or frivolous reason to end things.

The Catch: Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Care

You have limited options here for the very simple reason that your boyfriend does not seem to care about your experience in bed. When you said you hadn’t come, he simply walked away from you!

He’s not going to magically want to go down on you. Ever. Even if you two have some vulnerable, compassionate, and productive talks about the state of your sex life. He might agree to do it more often, but that isn’t going to make him enjoy it. Begrudging cunnilingus is not all that erotic.

No one should ever feel degraded, bad, or uncomfortable, but we’re playing a team sport here. Everyone involved should be excited to set their teammate up to spike the ball.

Most people want to turn their partners on, so when someone says, “Hey, this would make me come; will you try that?” their partner is thrilled to be given the gift of intimate knowledge. Who wouldn’t want GPS directions to Come Town?

Well, apparently, your boyfriend doesn’t. Despite his insistence otherwise, he’s uninterested in your pleasure. He’s doing a lot of taking with very little giving. And he isn’t open to feedback… even though he’s asking for it.

To me, those are all signs of larger issues: selfishness, callousness, apathy, and an inability to communicate. Those are not traits I look for in a partner, and they would make me think seriously about leaving.

You cannot entice people into treating you better.

I think he’s unlikely to change. If you knew that your sex life would be exactly this for the next five years, would you stay?

You cannot entice people into treating you better. You cannot beg them. And even if that works in the short term, a loving partner will want to do those things. They’ll have genuine curiosity about how to make you come. If you ultimately want to leave but find yourself wavering, please know that you aren’t breaking up with him because he didn’t go down on you but because he didn’t care.

Of course, you can always break up with him simply because he doesn’t get you off. Just tell him it’s “really hurtful” to not have good sex.