I Can't Enjoy Sex Because I'm Paranoid People Can Hear Us. Help!

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly four years and I love him so much. After graduating from college last year, we moved back into our family homes for financial reasons. I am very conscious of the fact that people are always just next door or right down below me. Neither of our homes are particularly private and our families are also around constantly, so we rarely get time alone.

I absolutely adore his family and he loves mine, too, but it is starting to make me disconnect from our sex life. I can’t fully enjoy the times we do have sex because I am always scared someone is listening or about to walk in. I worry about being openly affectionate for the same reasons. How do I fix this?

A: Stick with me for a second, but when I first got a dog, my sex life took a hit. There are many people who are fine banging it out in the same room as Bella the chocolate lab, but my boyfriend and I are not those people. Every time we wanted to do more than a makeout, we had to go get a stupid dog treat in order to sneak away. One of the biggest considerations while we’re supposed to be getting horny was… a doggy dental bone. Not exactly hot.

My point is, I feel you. And I’m here to tell you there is hope! (But also a little bit of metaphorical whining and stamping your foot from time to time.)

The first thing you have to do is voice your frustration to — not at! — your boyfriend. Before you get to the Creative Solutions part of the conversation, unburden yourself. Tell him what’s been on your mind. Moan about how you wish you could move into a three-bedroom house by yourselves and have scream-your-head-off sex. And see if he feels the same!

You may want to clue him in that this is a complain sesh, not a problem-solving moment just yet. Personally, I think venting about a frustration names the stakes of the situation and releases some of the pent up aggravation you’re feeling. (If you want to get extra fun with it, maybe a bottle of lambrusco for a true Wine & Whine night.)

Next, it’s time to figure this out. This can happen another evening, but will also probably have to continue happening for as long as your living arrangements stay like this.

Start with the everyday stuff. Get a lock on the door, for the love of all things holy. I’m not usually into TVs in bedrooms, but this is an exception. Play a movie a little loudly when it’s bang time. So what if your family thinks you’re really into Mission Impossible? They’re good films, Brent. If that’s not appealing, play music. Just make sure you do that during other non-sex times, too so, that everyone doesn’t just hear the opening notes of DeBÍ TiRAR MáS FOToS and know what’s going on.

Is it possible to spend a night or two in a nearby hotel? It doesn’t have to happen often, and it doesn’t need to be fancy, but maybe you two go on a small f*ckcation every few months. Heck, I’d even consider going Teenager Mode and driving somewhere very private to get the job done.

There are also ways to get creative with intimacy that isn’t full sex. What about sexting, even if you’re in the same room? Or sharing fantasies out loud even if you can’t enact them (yet). When possible, use the situation to build up tension and excitement. I know that takes work, and you don’t have to reframe every vibe-killing moment as some pretend illicit affair, but try it out.

What’s missing is privacy, not passion. Create extra moments of romantic connection, like snuggling on the couch or going out for a dinner date..

If you move out and still worry about making sound, that’s a different issue. At the end of the day, people have sex. It’s not immoral or offensive! It’s OK to make noise. You don’t want to be the annoying Loud Sex Neighbors — I have a friend who has some, and we all know about them. But if you occasionally get a little freaky and someone happens to overhear, so be it. That’s life. I hope my neighbors are having fun, hot sex!

One day, your living situation will be different. And maybe you’ll still share a wall with people. The truth is that no matter what, sex in a long-term relationship will change over time. Nurturing a relationship is not like building a doomsday bunker; it’s like building a ship that you trust can weather storms. The more you exercise your creativity to keep your connection strong now, the more prepared you’ll be down the road.

And maybe next holiday season, you buy everyone noise-canceling headphones.

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