I Never Orgasm During Sex. What Can I Do?

Q: I love sex, but I never get orgasm during sex, no matter how long it takes, so I masturbate afterward. What can I do to reach orgasm during sex?

A: Oh man, there are many, many things you can do, and some are going to be so much fun and some are going to frustrate the daylights out of you. But frankly, that’s not a much worse spot than you’re already in, so let’s go!

Firstly, it seems like masturbating works for you in terms of achieving an orgasm, which is fantastic news. You already know at least one way to get your petite to mort. (Please don’t explain French to me; I know that makes no sense.) Two things I think are worth mentioning: Firstly, you might consider simply adding masturbating into your sex. You can masturbate in front of or with your partner, or have them do things to you that also feel good while you go about your normal masturbation sesh. And don’t misunderstand me — I don’t mean that it has to be centered on their pleasure! They can make out with you or kiss your neck while you go at it. They can be next to you but not able to see what you’re actually doing under the covers if that feels better. It doesn’t have to be about making sure that they’re turned on by the way you jerk it, either — if being in the same room as them feels like a big step, you can call them and have them listen to you get off. Just keep in mind that doing something sexual with your body with your partner counts as sex. Sex is not simply penetration, and we are way beyond the idea that sex is simply a penis in a vagina.

If you think that your partner is against you “masturbating” during sex for whatever reason — maybe they think it’s inappropriate, they don’t like that you use a toy, or it makes them feel insecure — I’m sorry to report that that is not a good sexual partner. Your pleasure should be paramount to them, and you doing whatever it is you do when you masturbate is not a threat. They should be so lucky to have you share any shred of intimacy like that with them.

The second thing that’s worth mentioning: If masturbating does light your fire, it means that something different is happening when you pleasure yourself versus when you have sex. This is actually pretty good info to have! It’s like when Thomas Edison (confirmed bad person) allegedly said after a bunch of lightbulb failures, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” You have found some ways that don’t work, and now you have to figure out what made them not work. What makes sex feel different from masturbation? Is it a shyness factor — does the idea of letting go completely in front of a partner chafe you a bit? Is it that your partner(s) does something that you actually don’t like, but you don’t know how to bring it up? Is it how you touch your body? Does it seem to be physical or mental? Are you having a hard time being in the moment during sex? Start thinking about what feels different between sex and masturbation. The two are never, ever going to be the same or feel the same, and that is absolutely not the goal. I love sex, too, but frankly, I’d have a harder time giving up masturbating because, well, I know exactly what I’m doing. So trust me when I say that the objective isn’t to make them feel the same. Fantasy often plays in more with masturbation, and intimacy with sex. Those things are going to make for different experiences. But you might be able to break down what it is that does work about masturbating that doesn’t work with sex.

And then comes the hard part: communicating that to your partner or partners. Despite our deep wells of desire, we often have very little practice actually articulating those wants to another person without feeling like a pumpkin being scooped out and carved up and then left to rot on a front porch. It’s very difficult, for no good reason, to say to someone, “I want you to X my X so that I can actually come.” The best advice I have is to be nervous about it and do it anyway. Don’t give yourself an out. Practice in the mirror if you have to (it’s surprisingly helpful for it not to be your first time saying “I need you to use your fingers like this if I’m going to come” when you say it to another human). Start asking for things! You very well may be wrong about what works. Having someone in the room with you might chase away the orgasm, even if you do every single other thing just like you normally do when you masturbate. That’s OK!

The good news is that you say you enjoy sex! If you’re having fun during, then it really doesn’t matter how it ends. You are more than allowed to have sex and it not result in an orgasm every time. Or any time! In fact, I strongly suggest that you keep having fun, hot sex and take the pressure off yourself to orgasm at all. Orgasms are not, despite societal insistence otherwise, the goal of sex. Sex is meant for fun and intimacy. It’s meant to make you feel good. People have orgasms in their sleep for heaven’s sake — sex is so much more than that! You may find that with the pressure off, you actually get closer to an orgasm, or even have one (not that that’s the end all, be all!). Keep trying new things. Try things that are sexual that aren’t sex — showering together, making out without having sex, giving each other massages. Do things that aren’t meant to or required to end in an orgasm that still turn you on. Watch porn together. Have your partner go down on you while you read a horny story. Be creative! Be brave! You’re allowed to have fun with the trying, even if some or all of it fails. This can be a fun endeavor! Just be easy on yourself.

It’s A Pleasure appears here every Thursday. If you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, email Sophia at BustleSexAdvice@gmail.com or fill out this form.